Man devastated when ex reveals his GF tricked him, sabotaged their relationship. FINAL UPDATE
"AITAH - My Ex-GF told me my current GF sabotaged our relationship"
throwaway-exgf25324
I (28M) am really confused about the events of the last month. My ex-GF Julie (29F) thinks that my current GF Mindy (28F) is manipulative and sabotaged our 4 year relationship.
I was in a loving relationship with Julie for the last 4 years. We met through some mutual friends. Julie and I were very compatible in terms of our love for outdoor activities and running. We have very similar lifestyles and supported each other well for the last 4 years.
We have also been living together for the last three years. We even discussed getting married during the summer. Everything was great and I was planning to propose to her over the holidays.
However, I started to see changes in behavior in Julie around September. She was acting distant and looked stressed. It was quite noticeable and I was worried. I trust her with all my heart and I could not imagine she would be cheating on me. However, she did spend more time by herself.
Around the same time, Julie's friend Mindy messaged me privately and asked me if I could meet her secretly, as she wanted to tell me something about Julie. Mindy and Julie work together and I have known Mindy ever since I started dating Julie. I was surprised, but to be honest, I assumed the worst.
I met her at a cafe after work. She asked me if things were going ok between Julie and me. She told me that Julie told her that she was planning to leave me soon. This was a total shock to me.
I asked her if there was anyone else that Julie was interested in and she told me no. Julie confided in her that she was not sure about marrying me. She told me she just had to tell me this as she did not want me to be blindsided.
I was devastated. I started putting more effort into making our relationship more exciting and planning more dates, etc. Mindy was also helping me through this time, and telling me more about what Julie told her.
Eventually, before Thanksgiving, Julie told me that she loved me, but she wanted to take a break for a month to live alone. She said that she just wanted to live alone for a month to make sure she wanted to marry me.
I was completely heartbroken. I asked her if she wanted to pursue someone else. She told me that was not the case, and I better not do anything stupid either. She loves me with all her heart, but she just wants to stay away from me to make sure that she is marrying me for love, and not because she is used to being with me.
I did not understand that at all. I told her, that if she is not sure after 4 years, if she wants to marry me, then maybe we should just break up. We had a big fight and broke up after a few days. As our lease was ending, we decided to part ways in December. She got a new apartment and I kept our old apartment and just took her name off the lease.
After the breakup, I was feeling very lonely, as I was not used to being in the apartment alone. I didn't want to keep on being sad and hence invited a bunch of friends for a New Year's party. I also invited Mindy. We had a good time, and my friends were doing their best to cheer me up.
Mindy also mingled with my friends and it was good. Mindy decided to stay back to help me clean up and we hooked up that night. I felt guilty, but Mindy did cheer me up. Since then, we have hung out almost daily at my place. I am still sad about Julie, but I won't lie that being with Mindy does make me feel happy. She is sweet and caring.
Last Sunday, we woke up and someone was banging on the door. I went to open it and it was Julie. She looked furious and started yelling at me. She kept on accusing me of cheating on her. I told her I most certainly did not cheat on her, and she was the one who broke up with me.
Mindy was also at my apartment. Julie was just angry at both of us. She started calling Mindy a manipulative witch and told me that Mindy was the one who suggested to her that she should take some time away from me to understand her true feelings.
I calmed her down and asked her to explain herself. She told me that ever since our marriage talk, she told Mindy about it and Mindy kept on asking Julie if she was sure about marrying me.
Mindy suggested she take some time to herself to understand her true feelings and that, I will understand and give her space. When I said no, Mindy convinced her that I was so controlling that I could not even give her one month to herself and convinced her to break up with me.
Mindy told me that she did not say any such things, and these were all Julie's ideas and she was just there during these conversations. She did tell Julie that she told me about some of the things so that I get a chance to make things right with her over the last few months.
That made Julie more angry and she started accusing me of emotionally cheating on her. Julie told me that the last few weeks have made her realize that we were meant to be together, but she now cannot believe I could move on from a 4-year relationship in a week.
On one hand, I want to believe Julie, but she broke up with me for no fault of my own. Mindy was there for me when I was down, but now I also doubt her. She suddenly started talking to me out of the blue as we were never really close before, and immediately became my support after the break-up although Julie was her close friend.
Am I the AH to emotionally cheat on Julie? Should I have told her about Mindy's texts? Should I have not moved on from her so quickly, even though Julie broke up with me? I was just hurting and Mindy was right there to support me. I need advice from someone with a clear mind on what in the world is going on?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post from the OP:
gdrom123
It does sound like Mindy manipulated the situation in her favor. She got Julie out of the picture and you in her bed. Yikes!
HedyHarlowe
OP has been played.
sovereignrk
Mindy's out here playing chess, not checkers.
Pretty_barb
Mindy wanted her friend man and she knew what she was doing telling Julie about her true feelings just to hook up with you ? she’s a manipulative monster lmao
AWindUpBird
Minday is a straight-up CU Next Tuesday. OP is the asshole in the situation. He jumped from his relationship of 4 years to his ex-girlfriend's friend in a week! And now he's wondering if Julie is telling the truth???
You were with this girl for 4 years and were planning to marry her, and now you're not trusting her word over the word of some girl who had no problem moving in on you as soon as her friend broke up with you? WTF. How dense can you be?
And julie, I feel so bad that she was manipulated by somebody who was pretending to be her friend. Shitty situation all around, but I don't blame her for being upset that OP moved on from her at light speed. It really makes you think that the relationship meant nothing to him.
throwawtphone
Mindy played you both. It is kind of obvious from what you wrote.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update - AITAH - My Ex-GF told me my current GF sabortaged our relationship"
throwaway-exgf25324
I (28M) posted last week regarding my girlfriend Julie (29F) accusing her friend and co-worker Mindy (28F) of sabotaging our relationship. Julie broke up with me in December after a 4-year relationship, and Mindy reached out to me when I was feeling down.
However, when Julie realized Mindy was talking to me, she confronted both of us last Sunday morning and told me that Mindy manipulated her to break up with me. The worst part was I was not thinking straight after the breakup and ended up hooking up with Mindy after a New Year's party.
After the incident, I told Mindy that I needed some time and did not meet her since then I made the following post on Reddit and had 3000 people call me an idiot. I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted to say that we were not idiots to not see what happened. You guys read an abridged version of events in 5 minutes, while we lived it for the last 7 months.
I messaged Julie every day since then, to try and talk to her. She did not reply to my messages. I was not sure if she blocked me. Mindy was constantly trying to message me, asking if we could meet and talk about it.
On Wednesday (one day after posting), I decided to message Mindy. I told her to tell me everything she said to Julie truthfully. I told her I would go NC, if I found out that she was lying. Mindy wanted to meet me in person or talk to me on the phone, but I wanted everything in writing.
She messaged me that Julie always said good things about me for all these years. When Julie told her about us talking about getting married in 2024, she was happy for both of us.
However, Julie started telling her that she had cold feet and was not sure if she wanted to marry me because of issues she observed about her parent's marriage. One day Julie told her she wanted to take a break from me.
She was not sure about her true feelings for me. That was the time Mindy told me about Julie's behavior as she felt bad for me, as we were already telling our families about the engagement plans.
After our fight, she said that Julie was extremely upset and told Mindy that she would never marry me. She said that the only reason Julie came back was when she heard that I was moving on as she is jealous of us. She also said that I was a good guy, and hopefully, I see that what we have is something special.
I just said ok and told her I needed time. I kept on messaging Julie once a day to at least talk to her once. It was heartbreaking to think that she may have blocked me, and may never talk to me again.
On Friday afternoon, Julie finally replied. She said she wanted to meet me and told me she would come to our apartment on Saturday afternoon. I cleaned the place up and was just feeling deep guilt from inside before facing her.
When she came in, she looked like a shell of herself and completely broken. I sat on our sofa, but she chose to sit away from me. We asked how we both were, but it was clear that none of us were doing well.
I started apologizing but she stopped me. She asked me to let her finish and not to interrupt her. She had brought her little notebook and had written down things she wanted to say to me.
She told me that she truly loved me, but after we discussed getting married, she started feeling scared of the next big step. She thought those feelings were normal and would go away. So, she decided to not discuss her concerns with me.
It kept on eating her from inside and she made a mistake to talk to Mindy about them. She said that she wanted to say everything to me now, so I don't get second-hand information about why she was distant and broke up with me.
She said that her parents had a very rocky marriage, though they were together until her mom passed away in 2021 during the pandemic. Her parents argued constantly, and she always thought her mom did not love her dad.
However, her mom was extremely dependent on him for everything, and her dad knew it and hence, didn't treat her well. She never wanted to be like her mom after the marriage.
However, as we lived together, she started seeing some of those issues in our relationship. For example, when we met, Julie had a lot of credit card debt and was bad at managing her money. I helped her with that.
Even though we have separate finances, I ended up managing all her finances, investments, etc. (at her request) to the point that she did not know or understand where her money exactly was. She also said that we always enjoy making nice meals for dinner every day.
However, whenever I work late, she completely loses any motivation to cook and ends up eating cheese and crackers like a toddler for dinner. She also complained that in the last 4 years of our relationship, I have never said no to her for buying anything. She feels that I coddle her, and she just got comfortable with all the luxuries and things I can provide for her.
She talked about this with Mindy and while Mindy initially just listened to her, she told her around September that one of her cousins also had the same issue. She decided to stay away from her fiancée for a month and within a week, she realized how much she missed him and never had doubts again.
When Julie asked for a break, all she wanted to do was to live with her best friend for a few weeks, to see if she was just too co-dependent on me. She knew I was planning to propose during our Christmas trip to my parent's house.
When I told her that she could not take a break, she just freaked out and broke up with me, as she did not want to be engaged without knowing for sure that we won't end up like her parents.
After this, she asked me when I started meeting Mindy, and how many times we met. I opened my chat messages with Mindy and handed her the phone. I told her I met Mindy only once in September, where she told me that Julie wanted to break up with me because she was not happy with our relationship.
I already had noticed Julie's distant behavior and when I asked her, the only answer I got was, "I am fine, we are fine". Due to my insecurities, I tried to hold on to Julie and started coddling her more, planning more expensive dates, and trying to spend more time at home.
When Julie asked me for a break and to stay away from me for a few weeks, I thought that was the final step before the breakup, and broke down and fought with her, which led to our breakup and her moving out.
At this point, Julie's voice started cracking up. She asked me when Mindy contacted you after the breakup. I pointed her to the messages. Mindy initially just started sending me memes to cheer me up, and I just used to respond with thanks or a thumbs up.
However, the messages started getting more frequent and she offered to talk to me in case I needed help. She asked me what I was doing for Christmas and New Year's, and when I told her I was inviting a few friends, she told me that she does not have any plans for New Year's, and I invited her.
Julie stopped me there. She told me she did not need to hear the details after that. She told me that when she moved out of our house after our fight, she thought she was just not ready to get married to me.
She stayed with her friend for two weeks and then got her new apartment in January. She told me that she was miserable and missed me badly. It became more acute, when she moved into the apartment alone, and could not stay there for even one night.
Her best friend is currently staying with her in the new apartment. She realized she could not live without me within a week of living there. When she asked one of our mutual friends (on Saturday) about how I was doing, she told her about the party and told her Mindy was there. It did not make sense to her why Mindy would be at the party.
She concluded that Mindy and I were having an affair during our relationship and that was the reason Mindy must have tried to break us apart, by constantly telling her that she should not get married if she had doubts.
When she saw Mindy in our apartment on Sunday, she completely broke down. However, when she learned that Mindy was also talking to me and telling me the opposite things, she realized how naive she was to throw everything away without properly talking to me first.
As hurt as she is seeing me with Mindy, she also does not want to lose me. She kept on calling herself an idiot and apologizing for not telling her concerns to me sooner. I sat next to her and tried to hug her, but she moved away.
She asked me if I was willing to still be together, and I told her I would give anything to get her back. She told me she was also willing to forget what happened, but she had a few conditions.
Her first condition was that I cut contact with Mindy. I block her everywhere and never contact her again. If I see her standing in front of me, I act as if she is invisible. I was ok with that.
Secondly, she has already signed up for individual therapy and is on the waitlist. She wants us to do couples therapy so that we can talk about all the concerns we have and work through them. We also decided to hold off our engagement or marriage until we both can get into couples therapy. I was also ok with that too.
Finally, she wanted me to forget the last month as a bad nightmare and never talk about it again. And if I ever make a "We were on a break" joke, she will punch me in the face. This was the first time, we both smiled.
I asked her what she was going to do about Mindy as they worked together. She said the biggest punishment for Mindy is to know that she did not succeed in breaking us up. She wants Mindy to see how happy she is with me, she wants Mindy to be there when she flaunts her engagement ring in the office and gets jealous when we get married.
We hugged and I felt so relieved that I had a chance to make things right for her. I asked her to stay and she agreed. The rest of the evening was nice. We ordered Doordash and watched reruns of Top Chef while cuddling on our couch.
In the morning, we discussed moving back in together. I want her to move back to our old apartment, but she wants a fresh start and asked me if I am willing to move into her new apartment.
Her new apartment is tiny compared to our current apartment and also not in the best neighborhood, but we will talk about it more and decide. I also will have to deal with the issue of having two 12-month leases, and how to get out of one of them.
Currently, Julie went to her apartment after lunch to get some of her stuff for the week and I am writing this post. I am just so lucky that I did not lose Julie despite my terrible actions during the last month.
I just hope that I will be able to work things out and get married soon, and this whole incident is a small bump in our perfect relationship. I also don't know how to address the issue where she feels coddled by my behavior and feels like I am making her co-dependent on me.
It's just my personality and I need to work on that during couples therapy. However, any tips from you guys are welcome on how to make her feel less co-dependent.
PS: Thanks to everyone who checked on my health during the last few days via direct messages, and sent me numbers for helplines. Don't worry, I am a marathon runner, and don't give up that easy.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's second post:
AntiqueTadpole
Honestly the no talking about the past month is not a good idea. The past month needs to be addressed in couples counseling and worked through as the entire situation could have been avoided with open and honest communication.
debicollman1010
So what happened to Mindy??
The OP responded here:
throwaway-exgf25324
No idea. As far as I am concerned, she does not exist.
vancitymala
I know this is not the thing to get stuck up on but “having cheese and crackers for dinner like a toddler” is an unnecessary low blow… as someone who just had crackers and cheese for dinner and it was amazing ? But also if this is real it’s never going to work. Mindy’s going to go full on stalker and how can anyone just forget a month happened like that.
If you can be that easily emotionally manipulated out of your relationship/into a new one (or just out like Julie), it’s not a relationship that will survive this level of betrayal and need for communication Sounds like three people who need to be single for a very long time and work on their codependency and other issues.
Sensitive_Algae1138
Julie is a pain. Everyone's railing on OP for falling for Mindy's schemes but it's Julie who actively fell for it and sabotaged the relationship at every point. There was nothing OP could do as the entire thing fell apart because Julie stonewalled him and refused to talk. The only flipside is OP doesn't seem to think Julie is a pain so they might make it work.
knittedjedi
Every single person here needs to be single for a while. I don't mean it as a criticism, or as a snarky one liner. I mean that none of them seem to be emotionally mature enough to be dating anyone.
RaiQuach
These people are poison to each other's emotional well-being. OP paints a picture where everyone just isn't ready to handle basic relationship hurdles, let alone marriage. It also feels like for the 4 years OP and Julie were together they never had a real conflict before, if what was written is real.