'My wife came out to me as a lesbian and I'm shattered.' + 1 Year Update
My (35m) wife (29f) came out to me as a lesbian yesterday and I’m shattered…
LesHill36
We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 4. She was/is the love of my life and the thought of living life without her is unbearable… Yesterday morning I woke up, noticed her sitting on the patio crying so I obviously went to go console her and figure out what was wrong.
While fighting back tears, she manages to tell me that she’s a lesbian and she’s so so sorry, she isn’t attracted to me anymore, but she also doesn’t want to leave me… I’ve always known she was into women as well, but it was never an issue for me.
We’ve had quite a few threesomes with different women over the years and they’ve all been amazing. I’ve even been fine with her exploring that side of herself with other women without me. I just wanted her to be happy and fulfilled.
The entire day was spent either crying or talking about our now-uncertain future. All the plans we had made about buying a home, travel, getting dogs & cats, retirement, went up in smoke. We had a fantastic love life up until just a few days ago.
We would be intimate at least a few times a week and we rarely failed to get each other off. We experimented and grew with each other over the years, exploring new kinks & figuring out new ways to please one another.
I told her I didn’t blame her, that if she really is a lesbian it’s not her fault and she hasn’t really done anything wrong… but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. She’s my best friend. We had/have such a wonderful, supportive relationship & we’ve been through so much together, I can’t stand the thought of losing her and starting over.
She said she doesn’t want to leave me, that she still wants a future with me, just without the intimacy. But she also understands how unfair that is to me, so she’s fine with me finding a hook up or 2 if I wanted.
All I really want is her though… I’m so insanely attracted to her and I make sure to tell her so every day. She’s the sexiest woman in the world to me, but finding out that attraction is one-sided has obviously shattered my heart and crippled my self esteem… I don’t know what to do.
I’m certain most of the comments I get will be along the lines of “move on” or the classic “lawyer up, start hitting the gym” but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that.
I’m praying she’s going to wake up and realize she made a mistake, that she’s just overwhelmed & confused… deep down I know that’s not how this works, but the wounds are still so fresh I’m grasping at any little straws of hope I can find…
We don’t have any kids, all our pets have passed away, but we did just move into a new house last week so we may be “stuck” together until next March at least… I just want my wife back…
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
GloomyComfort
I strongly advise finding a marriage/couples counselor. You're going to need help navigating your next steps, no matter what they may be.
The OP responded here:
LesHill36
We’re definitely going to do that. We have had a few sessions in the past and it’s always helped.
askallthequestions86
I will just say this:
My ex tried to work it out with his lesbian wife because they had two babies to take care of. It did not work, and it probably made the divorce even that much worse.
Either she's trying to soften the blow by telling you she wants to stay married and for you to have relations with other people, and then she'll end up leaving, OR she's trying to use you for an emotional/financial support until she finds a partner.
Either way is super unfair to you. I highly suggest counseling and to start taking about a physical separation so you can find yourself and give her a chance to find herself.
The OP responded again:
LesHill36
That’s pretty much my biggest fear right now, that she’ll eventually find someone and straight up leave me. Counselling & distance are probably the right call.
lord_kristivas
"All I really want is her though… I’m so insanely attracted to her and I make sure to tell her so every day. She’s the sexiest woman in the world to me, but finding out that attraction is one-sided has obviously shattered my heart and crippled my self esteem… I don’t know what to do."
This is why you're going to have to eventually leave. It's too much of a burden to live with. Can you imagine every day, being so close to someone you love like that and being unable to be with them; not just intimacy, I think you know what I mean.
Can you imagine listening to her get off with someone else? It was hot when you were doing it as an activity together, but it'll be different going forward. Right now, you might be against hearing any advice to "move on", and that's fine.
But it's a special kind of hell you're about to enter. You won't even begin to heal until you've had a clean break and some time to process everything. Source: My brother's brother (his dad and another woman's kid) killed himself over something very close to what you're describing.
One year later, the OP returned with an update.
"My wife came out to me as a Lesbian and I'm shattered: 1 Year Update"
LesHill36
Hola, Reddit. Long time no talk. I figured it was about time to update y'all on the roller coaster that has been the last year of my life. Allow me to start with a few apologies, sorry for the jumbled mess that was my original post (I was a mess at that time) and apologies to everyone that reached out that I didn't get back to.
There were a lot of you and it became too much to continue replying with the same answers over and over. I appreciate every one of you that reached out with kind words and those that shared their similar experiences.
One year ago today... I woke up & got out of bed blissfully unaware of the fact that my life was about to completely crumble around me. That morning I found my wife on our back patio, clearly in distress.
So obviously I put on my best husband hat and went to figure out what the issue was. I assumed it was something work-related but I was very wrong. While fighting back tears, she manages to tell me that she's a lesbian and she's so very sorry.
I'll never forget the feeling of the world closing in on me as the most intense fear, panic, confusion & grief began to set in. Initially she said she wasn't going to leave me, that we could do couples therapy & figure out a path forward together. Of course I agreed.
3 days after receiving that news, I was informed by my mother that my stepdad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. 3 days after that, I was told by my father that my stepmom was also diagnosed with skin cancer.
Thankfully my stepmom had surgery and is cancer free. But my stepdad wasn't as fortunate... he passed away last November. He was a wonderful, funny, kind, successful & impressive man and I miss him a lot.
Having all of these things hit me within a week caused me to completely spiral out of control. I refrained from going to work, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I merely existed. I became one with my couch and distracted myself with hockey podcasts and weed.
My wife did her best to be there for me but she was obviously going through her own turmoil & she retreated into her own world, physically & emotionally. For a bit of backstory, she had spent her life with crippling anxiety, and the mere thought of a tough conversation was enough to cause her to break down crying.
But months prior to all this, she had begun taking anti-anxiety meds so now she was finally able to communicate to me not only that she was gay, but all the other times I had let her down. 10 years worth of moments I had been inconsiderate or insufficient as a partner.
I always thought we had communicated well but apparently that was more one-sided. And I had always thought I did a wonderful job as a husband, I tried to be attentive, thoughtful, caring & compassionate. I was never abusive or cheated.
We RARELY fought, and when we did we always ended up talking it out like adults. I thought I was doing a great job, but I wasn't doing the things she needed out of a partner. But since she never communicated it to me.. how was I to know...
Hearing about all these little moments that I had let her down hurt like hell, but it also gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. A mission. SAVE MARRIAGE. I couldn't do anything about her being gay, but I could damn sure make up for every instance of neglect.
I put together a plan to prove to her I was worth staying with. I surprised her with a picnic, got us tickets to the circus, made a reservation at a restaurant for the first time in my life & took her for her favourite kind of food. I begun learning French (she's French-Canadian) I took the lead on planning our next big vacation.
I started writing her a song. I was going to giver her guitar lessons since she had expressed interest in the past. I spent every minute of every day for the next 2 months figuring out ways to show her just how much she meant to me...
She was also able to confess that she wanted children. We had agreed early on that kids weren't on the table, but she had a change of heart. And for her I would have absolutely done it and I told her so numerous times.
In May, she left the country for a girls trip to the Dominican. It had been planned for at least a year. We agreed to go minimal contact during the week long trip so she could get her head straight and really figure out what she wanted.
We actually hooked up the day before she left & it was the first time in 2 months I felt like everything was actually going to be ok... But the day she came home, she officially ended our marriage.
Now one of the toughest parts of this situation was we had JUST moved into a big new house with a few roommates on March 1st. Neither of us could afford to have her just move out right away. It would have screwed ourselves and our roomies over financially.
We live in Vancouver and it's bloody expensive here. So we figured out a system of sharing the room. There were even times where we would still share the bed but it eventually became too painful.
So I renovated the large shed in our backyard with a futon, air conditioning & a tv and basically lived in it all summer. She began dating someone so as time went on, she was gone more and more until she had basically moved out but continued to pay rent.
During these months, so many people close to me went through tragedies too. One of my closest friends lost his mom to cancer. A good friend from high school lost his wife to cancer too. I had known her through work, and got to see them begin their relationship, get married and have a beautiful daughter only for it to end so unbelievably tragically.
And mere weeks before my stepdad's passing... another family member’s long time parter chose to end his life. The amount of grief I felt for myself and those close to me was unbearable. Unfathomable. So much loss in such a short period of time.
Every day for months I thought about ending it all, but kept going mostly because I couldn't do that to my parents. For all the bad that took place... there was actually some good.
I quit my toxic-but-well-paying job in May due to being so overwhelmed and their lack of sympathy towards my situation. And that lead me to find an absolute dream job a few months later.
Now I work as the quality control guy for a large music retailer's guitar department. I get to play, test & fix guitars every day and it's a dream come true. A few buddies and I entered a radio contest last summer & actually won it.
We improvised a 30 second commercial, submitted it, and out of 80+ entries, we won $10k & nationwide play. My ex wife actually saw our commercial play on the big screen before a movie once...I started a stupid YT channel with a good friend doing dumb reaction videos. It's not even remotely successful yet but its a fun outlet.
The Christmas prior to my wife coming out, she had bought me the blu ray box set of the entire Dragon Ball Z series... and somehow we managed to watch all of it. Before during and after the split. I'm quite proud of that for us.
And finally, last November I met someone really special. She was also out of a long term marriage and they had split for pretty much the same reason. We've been officially dating since new years day. She's absolutely wonderful.
Beautiful, intelligent, successful & an insanely talented artist. She's inspired me to start painting and I've inspired her to take up guitar. We've been helping each other heal and enjoy life again...
My ex and I are on good terms. We still care about one another and only want the best for each other. She was there when we saw my stepdad for the last time. She and my mom are still friendly, which honestly makes me really happy, and she officially moved out on March 1st of this year.
It's been a wild ride. From breaking down and balling my eyes out 10 times a day, to where I am now... with the best job I've ever had and a fun promising new relationship... I truly didn't think I'd make it through but I have. Thanks for reading y'all. I'll include my original post in the comments section.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
jvidako86
Dude. YES. I am one of the people that reached out to you and I am so happy you've found the tools to move forward. It's hard as hell at first but once you find the way you and your former partner need to communicate, it's a lot easier. Kudos. FRICK yeah. A million high fives.
The OP responded here:
LesHill36
A million high 5’s right back. Appreciate you.
Fluid_Crab_325
I'm so unbelievably proud of you!
mak_zaddy
Happy to hear you are doing great!
WHYohWhy___MEohMY
I am so proud of you OP! You had the most heart wrenching year and kept one foot in front of the other. You saw the positive when many wouldn’t. I wish your nothing but happiness. Thank you for posting this.
ilustt
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your loved ones. Grief is a difficult journey, but I am glad to see that you have been able to move forward and start a positive new chapter in your life. I hope that each day brings you more peace and healing, and I wish you all the best, OP. ❤️🩹