'I met my BF's 'work wife' for the first time and I’m devastated.' UPDATED
"I (23F) met my boyfriend’s (25M) 'work wife' for the first time and I’m devastated."
So, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, and he’s been at his current job for a few years. We will call him Jake. I’ve never met any of his coworkers until last night, but there’s one in particular who we will call Amy.
He sometimes does favors for her, fixing her car, going to her house to fix stuff around her house, etc. and I was never really concerned because he told me all his coworkers are a lot older than him.
However, one night while he was asleep his guy friend kept blowing up his phone, so I answered to let him know Jake was sleeping and so was I, so please stop calling. Anyways, before I put the phone down I noticed 5 unread text notifications from Amy. I guess some of the spam notifications were from her. One of them said “Great Jake, now everyone thinks we are hooking up!😂”
This really concerned me. So, the next day after Jake got home from work I asked about it. He said that both him and Amy were late for work that morning, so everyone probably assumed that, and it was just a joke. I thought it was a weirdly unprofessional joke and expressed my discomfort.
He invited me to the bar with him and his coworkers that night so I could meet her and see it was nothing to worry about. It did not soothe my nerves, at all. Turns out Amy is NOT a lot older than him, she’s only 3 years older, and super pretty. The entire night she was all over him. Touching him, leaning on him, putting his arms around him, and even kissed him on the cheek and he acted like it was normal.
They were constantly teasing each other, in that “middle schooler who doesn’t know how to properly flirt yet” kind of way. She told me all about how she “loves him like a brother”, and also told me she’s hooked up with half of their other coworkers, and that she got the next morning off work because she sent a coworker NSFW pics to get him to cover for her…
Later on she started crying and sobbing at the bar (actual tears) because she’s “so lonely and wants someone to love her” and my boyfriend ended up having to comfort her. I am just unsure what to do or say. My boyfriend kept acting like this was normal, that he wasn’t doing anything wrong by entertaining this behavior.
I can’t ask him to cut her off, they’re on the same unit and they have to work together. I literally do not know what to do about this but I’m just disgusted knowing this has been going on these years that he’s worked with her. How can I set boundaries when they’re forced to be around each other all the time at work?
This is what people had to say to OP:
Nungakakascot said:
Your bf cares for his work wife...I just hate that term....more than you. The way they acted, touched I front of and your BF sees nothing wrong. I think you have underreacted. Ask the question..is he worth it?
OP responded:
I was just kind of in shock because they did it so blatantly and everyone else was acting like it was normal… she was also super touchy with ME and even kissed ME on the cheek and hugged me a lot despite being our first time meeting.
So I struggled with wondering if this is just how she is as a person. I know some people are just very touchy and physically affectionate and I guess that just made me worried I was being paranoid. I don’t want to seem like “the crazy girlfriend”
silver_grain_dust said:
Your gut is working, none of that is “normal coworker” behavior, and it’s okay to be disturbed. One small step: calmly tell him you need a firm boundary like “no touching/kisses, no outside-of-work favors,” and see if he actually respects that.
OP responded:
Thank you. I will try that and see if he respects it or not. Most people were telling me to just leave but a part of me finds it really difficult to end a long term relationship without at least attempting to talk out the issue with him.
XxLogitech98xX said:
You just tell him what's okay and what's not okay. If he can't respect that then he's not for you.
PingBingus said:
Bro this is actually unreal 😭😭
OP responded:
Yeah I was literally in shock at the bar about how blatant it all was. And no one else reacted to it they all acted like it was normal so I was just sitting there in disbelief
FullFrontal687 said:
She said she sent another coworker nudes. Questions:
1.) What kind of workplace is this where this us happening? It sounds like an HR nightmare?
2.) Has she sent YOUR boyfriend nudes? Have you checked his phone?
OP responded:
So, this notification from your comment popped up and it made me think… I decided that even though I didn’t like the idea of purposefully snooping, the curiosity got the better of me. I scrolled through his texts with her, and I found nothing concerning… until I realized the texts only go back a few months.
I know for a fact they’ve been texting since she started working there 2 years ago. So, I’m now worried that he deleted their previous conversation. I don’t see any other explanation, unless she got a new phone number a few months ago.
OP shared this small update in the comments:
Thank you! Lots of people gave me advice so far and I agree. He’s asleep right now and has work in the morning, it’s nighttime where I live. When he gets home from work tomorrow I’m going to tell him the behaviors I found disrespectful, explain why it makes me uncomfortable, and ask him to set boundaries with her.
I plan on asking him to send her a text saying he’s uncomfortable with those things and tell her to stop, so I can see it and know he actually did it.
But mostly I’m just going to observe how he reacts to it. If he’s understanding and sets the boundaries with her I plan on just trying to trust him, then have him invite his coworkers out again in a month so I can observe how they interact at the bar, to see if they’re actually respecting the boundaries or not.
If he gets defensive or argumentative when I ask him to do this, well, then it’s probably better for me to just end it at that point. I will update you about how it goes!
Stay tuned!