My girlfriend is transactional...?
'The Soy Sauce Situation.'
We've been together one year. I cook dinner for us pretty regularly. I'll bring the groceries over to her place and cook. And that's it.
When she invites me over and cooks for me, she always asks me to contribute to half of the meal cost, or bring half the groceries. One time I brought the groceries over but didn't have soy sauce.
She bought some and was like, 'Can you send me $3 for the soy sauce?'. I refused because I thought it was odd to ask that... like, soy sauce is just a basic condiment?!? And besides, I was already bringing the groceries. She was kind of irked when I refused, and didn't really see how it was fair.
I have obliged with these requests in the past without too much thought, but suddenly something hit me. I can't help but think she is treating me in a very transactional way.
I see where she is coming from, splitting stuff is obviously fair. What do you do when your partner wants to treat your relationship in this 50/50 way? Personally, I can't help but feel it's odd.
Here is what people had to say:
Was probably raised by transactional-love parents. Then they think that's how all relationships are. He needs to learn boundaries though.
Everything today is 'gas lighting'. That is not what the word means.
That is odd. Especially considering that you don't act the same that she can say she does it because you do or something. Have you sat and had a conversation with her about it?
Does she have money problems or grew up with money problems that she feels she needs to try hold onto every cent? If you end up living together how will those finances work if she can't even buy a sauce without turning it into a financial transaction between you?
The OP responded to this one:
No money problems that I'm aware of. Until recently her rent was paid by her parents, and she's always worked part/full-time and earned more than I.
I have noticed that she complains about paying for things that don't bring value to her (fines, repairs, etc.). Maybe she wants the most possible money going towards her fun stuff and tries to minimise her expenses.
Reader comments continued:
Or do the better thing, find someone who isn't nickel and diming the relationship. This sounds so exhausting. 'Send me $3 for soy sauce' imaging spending the rest of your life with that.
Seriously. I'd be so baffled over $3 for a condiment. Also, I'd be embarrassed for the person asking for reimbursement. It's so petty
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I made a post two days ago about the soy sauce situation with my girlfriend. I decided to bring it up with her. But we'll get to that.
First I realised that groceries aren't the only thing subject to the nickel and diming mindset and lack of generosity. Examples? She 'counts' favours with people (even close family) in that she always expects things in return. However, she doesn't apply this principle in reverse.
I notice I've done a lot for her. Taking care of her dog, moving furniture, helping her rehearse a job interview, etc., etc. All things I've gladly done and not thought twice about because she is my partner and I love her. The way relationships should be.
Yet I actually can't think of one time she has done something to help me. Not one. Once I asked her to help me move furniture. She had nothing on that day but 'didn't feel like it' and stayed home.
Anyway, I brought this up with her. I asked, 'Why do you hold back from being generous and selfless?'. And she replied, 'Because no one ever does anything for me!'. I brought up the times I have helped her, and she changed to, 'Well until you came along, no one did anything for me.'
I then asked, 'How would you describe the ways you show me love and affection?'. And she got annoyed that I asked that. But she couldn't come up with a single thing, except for attacking me. She proceeded to say:
'I buy you things but you hate them!'.
'I try and do things for you but you don't want me to!'
These things are both completely untrue. For clarification, the past year she has bought me two presents and I love and use them both (and she is definitely aware of that).
She conveniently finds ways to make herself the victim and dodge responsibility. I told her she needs to fix this and also start showing some generosity in the relationship or I'm out.
Anyway, time passed and she messaged me this morning, saying she is sorry I feel this way. She said she wants to improve. Then she asked, 'Do you want to make it work?'.
Yet she hasn't told me how, precisely, she plans on making it work. Going to a therapist, planning to reciprocate the love back, those kinds of things.
I have a feeling that 'making it work' is going to require a god awful amount of effort and probably lead to stress and emotional pain for both of us. I don't know if I can go through that, but of course there's the possibility that we both come out of it stronger.
Comments resurged after this new information:
I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.
She's self absorbed and immature. Can she change? I suppose. But she has to #1 see her behavior as being an issue and #2 want to change. And since she treats everyone in her life this way and from your last post up until very recently her parents paid her rent yet per her do nothing for her I wouldn't hold my breath.
Girl must be hot as f.
I think the subject of love language should be brought up here. People feel more or less loved when receiving specific love languages. There’s words of affirmation, acts of service (the issue here), gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Your issue was that you felt a lack of acts of service and she didn’t seem to acknowledge it at all. If she didn’t remember yours acts of service, she probably just didn’t see it as a form of love on her own. She also didn’t express her love this way at all. It’s 100% valid to say you need acts of service to feel loved and she needs to make an effort to do that.
The OP then provided one final update for readers that were tracking the drama:
I appreciate all the responses to this post. It's helped so much to write to a group of strangers who are completely detached from the situation. GF and I are no longer together. I was going to respond this to a comment saying to just end it and tell her I don't want to put in the work. I thought I'd leave it here instead:
By telling her 'I don't want to make it work', it would have (in her mind) absolved her of any responsibility for the ending of the relationship. She could feel like the victim (again) because I didn't want to put in the effort.
I instead told her that she has deeply rooted character flaws, and that the way she treated me is a form of gaslighting. It was hard to say that, I basically broke down in her arms. She broke down, too.
She can't even recognise what the issue is, so I don't think she can change. And I have too much on my plate right now to walk her through all of this. She actually understood that, and apologized. Properly.
It's so frustrating. I still love everything else about her and at times I saw us having a life together. But she still doesn't even know what she's doing. She chalked it up to us 'thinking differently'.
If she had just said, 'I'm so sorry for treating you like that, it was so wrong. I will do everything I can to change', I would have been ecstatic and it would have probably saved the relationship.