'My mother and father want back into my life after a three year gap following my mother's affair with my ex boyfriend.' UPDATED
"My mother and father want back into my life after a three year gap following my mother's affair with my ex boyfriend."
God... where do I actually begin with this mess. I was with Jerk (ex-boyfriend and from now only called DH) for nearly five years. We met in college and hit it off. Never had a fight or anything of that nature.
I'm fairly level headed and always seek communication first which worked out really well in our favour. When we finished up our courses, I got a job close to my family and moved back with DH in tow. He eventually got a good job too and everything seemed perfect.
Then, three years ago and just after we'd become engaged (his idea alone! I'd no idea he'd even wanted to get married), I came home early one day to find him having relations with my mom.
Trust me, when I saw that, if I could've burned the eyes out of my head at that point, I would have. I literally had nightmares for months after of him taking her over the kitchen table.
Long story short, I threw the engagement ring at him, pushed my crying mother away from me and took off. I obviously told my father straight away who wasn't surprised to my horror.
Apparently they'd been talking about opening their relationship for awhile and had just done so. She'd never told him who she'd intended on partnering with. He actually said that maybe I needed to really think whether monogamy was really the right way and what harm was there really in my mom having a little fun with DH.
You have to understand at this point that my dad gets into the phases where he gets completely absorbed into lifestyles he reads about and thinks they suit him better - such as when we were young he went through a phase were he felt that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle is the right way and got us all learning to hunt.
As hard as that was to stomach my father saying that to me, I knew that what happens to them is their own business. My dad had basically approved my mother's betrayal of me.
This is where I really lucked out (thank you personal finance advisor I went to during college!). I'd been the only one of us saving for a house and had a nice tidy sum of money locked up in my account.
So I left. Took off. No note, no message. Handed in my notice at my job, rang my landlord and paid whatever it took to free me from the lease. I left all the furnishings and stuff I owned because I just didn't care. I packed a bag of clothes and essentials, got into my car and went.
I had a blast. I crossed the states in the best roadtrip I've ever had all by myself. I eventually found another job on the west coast and have worked it ever since. Met my husband, had a really small wedding as neither of us are big on those sort of things and now have a beautiful three month old son after a pretty hard pregnancy.
In all that time, I only kept in touch with my sisters. They attended my wedding secretly as I didn't want my parents knowing anything about my life as they'd only try to come too and ruin it all. They were the first to hear of my pregnancy, etc. My husband knows everything btw. Just in case you're wondering.
The problem I'm faced with is that my younger sister confessed to my parents everything. About where I am, about the fact I'm married and that I've had a baby. I've not been able to get in touch with my sis since I started getting letters and phone calls from them.
It's all one big giant guilt trip. They whine about how much they miss me, how they've missed such important events in my life and how they want to know their first grandchild.
Not an hour ago I got a voice message from DH who was blubbering a sob story over how he thought I was dead or something. About how devastated he was and still is that I left him and now to find out that I've moved on. My husband is a star. He's basically just said that whatever I decide he'll stand behind me 100%.
My real issue is that my resolve is starting to crack. I look at my son and think that maybe he should know them. I mean he has wonderful grandparents in my in-laws but surely he should know my own family too.
I just need advice here!
Should I stay strong or are they right in that I shouldn't have done what I did?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
So, the first thing they did was ringing up your ex boyfriend and telling him how to reach you at least by a phone call? Your ex who you got with your mom and for that precise reason you bailed. (EDIT: note the lack of question marks here) Well, allowing them back into you life seems completely reasonable.
Do you think your son would actually benefit from having these people in your life? They sound selfish and obnoxious, is that what you want to expose your son too. And as for your mother would you ever feel comfortable leaving your husband alone with her? It sounds like you have a nice life, why do you want to change it?
Your husband sounds like such a keeper! He has your back in all of this 100%. You've built an awesome life for yourself, filled with loving and trustworthy people. I agree that you should keep things as they are and keep your parents out of your life.
Six weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
It's been quite awhile since I last posted and things have been a little crazy so posting an update was firmly pushed to the back of the to-do list until today. Before I start, I just wanna say thanks so much to all those who replied - even those who said this was fake.
You've no idea how good it was to see people who honestly believed this was so far out that it couldn't be real. :) Really helped solidify my decision that they weren't getting any more contact.
My younger sister and I talked. To be honest, it was not a pleasant conversation. I was essentially berated for not being forgiving enough, that family is family and that I was cheating our parents from being part of my life and that of my son's.
Thankfully - and in no small part due to all of you knocking some sense into me! - I basically told her to get lost and hung up the phone. I cried for a long time. I hadn't seen this coming at all and it really hurt, almost as bad as when this had all exploded the first time.
What really has me confused is what had happened to her that had created this huge swing in opinion that suddenly I'm the bad guy for wanting a normal life without my parents ruining it again. Even now I've no idea what happened only that she woke up one day and now thinks I'm the worst person in the world.
So after that was where my husband really stood up. He bundled me and the small one into a car and drove us all up to his parents place for a few days - he called them and explained everything that was happening and his mother insisted that we get away from the house for a bit to have a break away from it all.
When we got there, his mom nearly smothered me with kindness (she's very much a mommy person!) and took every opportunity to babysit my son and leave me time to rest.
My husband, while I was relaxing and unknowing of what he was up to, called my other sister and got her up to speed in what was going on. From what I tell, since it's been all out war between them and my parents.
My older sister - from now called B - barged over that very night and apparently read the riot act to our younger sister, M. It got pretty heated from what I can tell and since then B has cut M off completely. Which is a huge problem for M as B helped fund her way through college. After that fight, B got in her car and drove all the way back to our parents house and there it got even messier.
She rang after to tell my husband that our parents had actually been packing suitcases when she arrived. They'd bought plane tickets to our state and planned on leaving midway during that week. B blew up. The fight was pretty brutal I'm sure - B is razor sharp with things - and then she left.
She couldn't convince them to not travel over to me. She left with what details she could get of their flight times. My husband decided that he wouldn't tell me just yet - my freakout earlier at them potentially turning up had convinced him that I needed to be as uninvolved in this as possible. Instead he left me at his parents while he went back to our house to wait for them to arrive.
When they did, he apparently answered the door and told them to get off his property. My father and him had a blazing argument which ended when he tried to break down the door which my husband used as prime motivation to call the police.
When they arrived, my father tried to claim that my husband was keeping me caged up like a prisoner and not allowing me to see my family. I know this because I received a phone-call and visit from the local PD in his parent's area to follow up on the claim. That also alerted me to the fact they'd followed up on that threat and had actually crossed the country to reach me.
But, now, they've gone back east as they couldn't get anywhere near me or my baby but since then the trouble hasn't stopped. We've gotten at least eight notices from their lawyers in regards to getting access to our son - our own told us that it was incredibly unlikely that they'll get anything.
B is telling me to hold the line. She's going through something similar herself. She's had five police visits in the last month - one of which was apparently over an anonymous call that she was running a brawthawl!
I guess we've really pushed our parents to the edge that they rather ruin our lives than leave us alone. As to everything else, we're planning on moving. Not sure when or where yet but even husband is growing tired of the drama.
We're still in the planning stages and trying to find out every way possible of making sure that if we do move, we can legally prevent them from finding out. It's just all so damn tiring. What's sadder is that I know this isn't really about me. It's about my baby and my parents trying to exert some sort of control over his life and mine.
Today has just been such a long day. Any similar stories/ advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated as today was the first day I find the future just seems a bleak hole of legal entanglements and crazy parents.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Stay the course. Your parents are entitled to nothing when it comes to your son and frankly all the reports against you could be later used against them if you ever thought about pursuing (and could prove) charges of harassment and slander.
Their reaction to this whole situation justifies your decision to cut them out of your life. I'd continue doing what you are doing and sever the ties. A possibility, especially from the "not finding out where you are moving" aspect is changing you and your husbands names. Can't find you if they don't know your name! Either way, good luck and stay strong.
Seriously, think about what sort of influence they would have had on your son if you had let them back in your life. They wouldn't have suddenly become great time models. I hope you moving will keep them away, and if not, you might think about a restraining order.
Wow! Your husband is awesome. Good for him. Yay for his family and your one sister. You have a great support system whom loves you. Just remember you're not alone.
Wow hopefully soon they get in trouble for making all this crap up. They are insane.