'My BF bought his female friend a Tiffany necklace and I feel weird.' UPDATED 2X
"Boyfriend [M27] bought his female friend a Tiffany necklace for her birthday. I [F27] feel weird about it."
Help me decide if I'm blowing this out of proportion before I overreact.
My boyfriend of 11 months has a best friend -- a girl best friend. I've been totally fine with this from the beginning because she was here before me and they've been friends since college.
Although, I feel it's important to add that they've never had the chance to date because they were both in relationships when they met. She's also been single for the past three months. Her birthday is this Friday and my boyfriend wanted to get her something really special.
I thought that was sweet of him until I realized what he had bought her. Now I feel like it's extremely inappropriate and at the risk of sounding like a b#$ch, I want him to take it back.
He claims she's been wanting this specific necklace from Tiffany's forever, so he bought it for her. He REFUSED to tell me how much he spent on it but I found an identical one on their website and it costs $250. Here's the link. To put it mildly, my boyfriend's really excited to give it to her.
He says it's also a "thank you" gift for helping get him through a couple s#$tty semesters at graduate school. (She's extremely smart and was in the same program). Okay, fine, but a necklace? Why not a gift card or something less romantic?
She wants to have a "friend date" with him on Thursday as an early birthday celebration, so he's taking her out for lunch or dinner on Thursday, which means they're going to get drunk.
I've never had a problem with this girl but I don't like how close they are. She's always been nice to me but I can't help but feel like they might have some underlying feelings for each other. How can I solve this? Perhaps, I could suggest to him that we BOTH get her something and then have him take back the necklace while we still have time? Any ideas?
TL;Dr: Boyfriend got his best friend friend a Tiffany necklace for her birthday. He doesn't know I'm jealous and upset but I'd like to solve this without there being any hurt feelings.
Redditors had a lot to say in response.
meantforamazing wrote:
I have a male BFF, we go out drinking together, I've met his girlfriends and vice versa, we go out to eat together, etc. but if he were to ever spend that much money on a birthday gift, I'd:
Think he was crazy and insist he take it back.
Think he was romantically interested in me.
I think you need to tell him how COMPLETELY inappropriate this gift is. If he wants to give her a gift-card to Tiffany for similar value, I think that would be much more appropriate. But picking out a necklace, a heart necklace? Very suspect.
Is your BF good at social/interpersonal understanding?
OP responded:
"Is your BF good at social/interpersonal understanding?"
Yes. He tends to be the center of attention in social situations. We're polar opposites in that regard. He's very outgoing, I'm kinda shy. He definitely knows what he's doing.. He can't claim to be dense on this issue.
penisbutt69 wrote:
I'm a married female and have a male best friend. For mine and my friends' bdays, we usually get each other dvd's or joke gifts. I'd be very uncomfortable if my friend got me something like this, and I KNOW my husband would! Is your bf listening to your concerns? Or is he blowing them off?
OP responded:
We haven't really discussed it yet. He told me about it over the phone today on my lunch break.
CJames2011 wrote:
Yeah, I'm sorry but a Tiffany necklace is NOT a "thank you" gift. Tiffany is what you give your lover or wife. Hence why girls freak out when their BFs get them something from that store. This is completely inappropriate. I'd talk to him about it, there is a chance he might just be dense and not understand what this gift symbolizes.
CrystalShimmerFluff wrote:
What does he usually get you for your birthdays? Is $250 a lot for him?
Either way, especially with the heart, it's fishy and i think you have the right to be upset. But you should talk to him about it.
OP responded:
Well, we were only together for a couple of months when my birthday came up but he took me out for dinner and got me a couple of presents.
A week later, OP jumped on with a major update.
First of all, thank you so much for all the support on my prior post! I can't believe how many comments I received. I had a sit-down talk with my boyfriend this afternoon. He was very supportive and understanding -- for the most part. I explained my feelings to him regarding the Tiffany heart necklace and he immediately agreed to return it.
He seemed really disappointed over it but he said he understood where I was coming from. So what we were going to do was buy her something together as a couple. We had already come up with a list of ideas and planned to go shopping tomorrow until. The "friend date." This is where things got ugly.
I explained that I was uncomfortable with the situation because I said I felt like she had feelings for him, which he disagreed with. I asked him if it was okay if I came along and he said, "Probably… but I should tell her first." So I told him to text her and ask if it was okay, which he did right in front of me. Immediately, she replied, "I guess. (sad face)."
As we were sitting there talking, she sent a second text that said, "Why can't it just be you and me?" He replied and said he wanted me to come with them, which seemed to piss her off because the next thing she sends is:
"Weird. So if I invite you to the ____ concert next month, it better be just you and me. I already bought you a ticket." He responds and says he can't promise anything. Next thing you know, she texts, "Great. So in other words, your girlfriend's being a b#$ch and not letting you see me alone. I have to go to work, we'll talk tonight."
The f#$k? This just proves she's a snake. I told my boyfriend I wasn't going to put up with it and that he needs to start making some hard decisions. Immediately, he agreed and said he'd fix things. He said he'd end the friendship if he had to in order to keep me. So I guess they're going to meet up and talk tomorrow. Oh, and f#$k her birthday.
Tl;DR: Spoke to my boyfriend and he's going to fix things. His best friend showed her true colors tonight.
Redditors fully had OP's back after this update.
whiskey-monk wrote:
Yeah, for the record, when my male friends start dating someone I always try to befriend their SO. If I want to hang out with them I always invite the person they're dating and I usually do it verbally with the SO present so they know I want them around. Also, as for my married friends, I ALWAYS ALWAYS include the both of them for everything. Buying one a gift? Too bad, you're buying two.
Or something they can both use. I never want any lingering thoughts of insecurity from my friends' wives. This friend is deliberately trying to put a wedge between you guys. That, or she's lacking some serious consideration and manners.
katespade called out the gendered double standards:
In the minority on this one but this was handled horribly, especially by your boyfriend who seems to be getting all the praise in the world, while this girl is being called a snake. Other than calling you a bitch, I don't see that she really did anything wrong. I also think you're being purposefully deceptive/vague in the details concerning the necklace.
I think you're picking and choosing your words very carefully to make this girl look absolutely horrible. She severely hinted she wanted that necklace. Everyone is harping on this fact but no one knows the circumstances. OP never said she hinted at it. She said she wanted it. Was it ever said/implied that she wanted him to purchase it for her?
Maybe she's linked to it on Facebook. None of you have any idea how he knew she wanted the necklace yet are using this as a reason to paint this girl as a man-stealing whore. Here's where I'm confused: Boyfriend has known that the girl wanted the necklace "forever". I think it's worth noting that the Ziegfeld Collection was released around April or May of this year.
Six months is not forever. There also is no similar looking Tiffany necklace as this piece is specific to the Gatsby style collection. This is important because it means that either that IS the actual necklace, in which case the girl could not have been hinting forever, or it ISN'T the actual necklace and the cost of the gift cannot be argued because it is unknown.
I also find it INCREDIBLY unbelievable that the boyfriend has known "forever" about this necklace, was constantly given hints about it, and knew it enough to pick it out all on his own and then claimed to not know what Tiffany is.
This also negates all "OMG! but Tiffany is for lovers only!" comments, because if the boyfriend didn't even know what it was how the hell would he know it's implications? Perhaps the bf just wanted to get this girl a heart shaped necklace and lied to OP about the girl wanting it forever because he knew it was a really bad idea. Girl wants necklace and OP's boyfriend buys it for her = Girl's fault.
The "friend-date." It's a stupid name for a birthday lunch. Take the word date out of the scenario and you have two friends going out to lunch to celebrate a birthday.
If you cannot trust your SO to take their best opposite sex friend out to lunch one day then "friend-dates" are the least of your f#$king problems. As far as the texting goes re: the lunch plans. Your boyfriend threw you under the bus like a damn coward and you're not only praising him for it, but you're using it as fuel to hate her even more. He texted her and asked if it was ok if you came.
She reluctantly agreed but wanted to know why they couldn't just spend some time together like they had planned. You are not her friend. Maybe she isn't 100% comfortable around you, who knows. He said he wanted you to go BUT HE DIDN'T SAY WHY. He then goes on to say he can't promise that you won't also be coming to a concert that she already bought the tickets for.
From her perspective BAM! all of a sudden your boyfriend isn't allowed to do anything without you. She's not a moron. You might as well have called her, yelled "sl*t!" into the phone and hung up. Instead of being a man and saying "Well, my SO is a little uncomfortable with how close we are.
Maybe it was the Valentine's flowers or the expensive watch or a combination of things. I just want her to know that she has nothing to worry about and I want you guys to spend more time together and hopefully become friends." he chose not to give a reason and now you look like you just decided that she's an untrustworthy trollop and as far as she knows she hasn't done anything.
He never even acknowledged that you were uncomfortable as a direct result of his behavior. He's doing a hell of a job at making you appear controlling and her appearing untrustworthy all while being the hero to you and the "let's meet up and talk" best friend to her. And convenient that they're going to meet up and talk instead of texting that night like they said.
Were you with him that night? Interesting thing about girls who hate each other; they don't talk. Convenient. OP's boyfriend takes girl out for birthday lunch = Girl's fault. The Valentines Flowers. Boyfriend sent her flowers because she got dumped the day before and said she would be sad about missing out on flowers.
How the f#$k is this HER fault? Did she call the bf and tell him to buy her flowers? OP never even says she asked for them! Again, was it something she said on fb? If I got dumped the day before Valentines day I would absolutely text my friend something like "Great! No f#$king flowers this year." as a lighthearted way to cover my hurt. That is not a request for a gift.
OP's boyfriend buys girl flowers that she didn't ask for = Girl's fault. OP, you're in complete denial. Your boyfriend loves this girl. She loves the attention from him or is completely unaware of the situation. He's been friendzoned and is settling for you while clinging to the hope that he might still have a chance with her. Every single one of those problems are your boyfriend's fault.
As long as you continue to find ways to blame her for his shortcomings, you're going to be constantly chasing a man who is chasing another woman. And if my theory is correct, he isn't the one settling. You are. You don't deserve that. You seem like a laid back girl. There are plenty of dudes that will appreciate that quality and not manipulate it to get their way. Good luck!
iamagainstit asked a crucial question:
Did he respond to her calling you a b#$ch? because that is not something he should put up with.
And OP responded:
Yep. He said, "I don't talk badly about your boyfriend's, so don't talk badly about my girlfriend. Otherwise, you can f#$k off."
She sent back, "Sorry :("
TheSingersSister wrote:
Would just like to say- My best friend is a dude. We've been close since high school - always been in other relationships- never dated each other.
A- If he gave me a heart necklace for my birthday, despite everything we've been through, AND even if it was something I'd been eyeing, I would be SO weirded out. It would just feel wrong.
B- I always have SO much respect for his girlfriends. Im so focused on helping them feel comfortable with our friendship. I would never want to make him feel like he had to pick, OR make him feel sh#$ty for wanting to bring his girlfriend along.
Basically, not only does it sound like she's untrustworthy from where you stand, if also sounds like she's just...a sh#$ty friend.
Genuine friends don't pull that s#$t.
A week later OP jumped on with another major, and final update.
I apologize in advance if this comes out to be a huge f#$king mess. It turns out, he's not as innocent as I had previously thought and now I look like a f#$king fool here. Last night, I stayed at his place and we talked some more. He said he was going to return the necklace first thing this morning. Well, he lied.
I went over to his place on my lunch hour and the damn thing was still laying on his nightstand. He claims he "forgot" to take it back and will have to do it later. In my gut, I felt like he was stalling me and I was right. As I mentioned in my prior post, my boyfriend and his best friend were going to have a talk today.
I honestly believed he was going to distance himself from her and explain to her that her actions were inappropriate. Well, that didn't happen. After two hours without hearing anything from him, I texted him to find out what was going on because I wanted to see him tonight after their talk. He responded and said he just wanted to have a night to himself.
Right away, alarm bells are going off in my head because he's sending me short texts and is barely answering any of my questions. I told him his evasive behavior was really beginning to worry me and he replied, "I'm sorry. I'm just confused." I texted back, "What do you mean you're confused? Confused about what?"
He took FOREVER to respond but eventually admitted he was confused about our relationship. Instead of fighting over text, I went over to his place to figure out what the problem was. After lots of arguing, he finally gave me the truth. Apparently, during their talk this afternoon, she told him she's had feelings for him since college and it's gotten to the point now where it's hard for her to be around him.
I asked him if the feelings were mutual and he replied, "I don't know" (in other words, yes). I asked what else was said during this talk and he said she basically feels bad because she feels like she's ruining our relationship and getting in between us. Well, no s#$t!!!! That's when he brought up the idea of us possibly going on a break so he can sort their friendship out.
I told him I would never agree to something like that because it just gives him a license to sleep with her, which brought up my next point. I asked if he ever cheated on me with her and suddenly he became very defensive. He said they only fooled around back when he was single. Funny how he never mentioned that before! I told him I didn't believe him because of how defensive he was.
He then admitted that she kissed him during their talk but he pulled away after a couple of seconds because he felt bad."But that's all that happened." Yeah, I'm not stupid. Even if it was just a kiss, he should've made it clear to her that he wasn't interested. Not this "I don't know if I have feelings for her" BS. At that point, I told him we were done -- our relationship is over.
I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust. He didn't even fight for me. All he did was apologize and said he didn't mean to hurt me. Whatever. It's all bullshit. All the signs were there but I chose to ignore them. The flowers, the watch, the heart necklace, the way she acted around him, etc. All the signs were there. I'm really trying to look at the bright side.
I know I deserve better. I already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My relationship wasn't going anywhere, especially with her in the picture and I should've ended it earlier. I'm extremely grateful that this happened now and not a couple years down the road when we were engaged or something. I have plenty of great friends and family to lean on for support, so everything will be fine.
I'm moving on for good.Thank you everyone for your help over the past couple of days. It's been really therapeutic writing all of this stuff down.
TL;DR: Relationship is over.
The internet was deeply invested in OP's update.
bahhamburger wrote:
This is going to sound harsh, but you were absolutely right to dump him immediately - because in their minds, you're the outsider, not her. They probably will go on to have a fairly happy relationship. It's like those romantic comedies where the two friends finally end up together, never mind that one of them had a significant other who gets screwed over (but is painted to look like a jerk so it's justifiable).
Don't let him try to be your friend, he'll just try to do whatever to feel less guilty about it.
JONO202 wrote:
Every time I read these long winded updates, it just reinforces what we should all already know: trust your gut. I would rather beg for forgiveness the 1/10 I am wrong then have the wool pulled over my eyes the 9/10 times I "have a gut feeling" and shrug it off.
katespade wrote:
Called it. No 27-year-old man is that f#$king stupid. F#$k him. I hope she drops his a$$ as soon as she finds someone new. And I hope you tell him to kick rocks when he tries to come back. And he will try.
solublemarker wrote:
What a selfish prick. You did well to challenge him on his so-called friendship...I know it hurts now, but you did the right thing and got out. I wish only the best for you, OP.
OP was clearly never TA in this situation, her BF was lying to himself and more importantly, to her.