'My BF moved in two weeks ago and I'm already noticing red flags.' UPDATED

"My BF (M40) moved in two weeks ago and I'm already noticing red flags. How do I (F32) address this without getting into a lengthy argument?"

My boyfriend (together 1.5 years) has been very adamant that we move in together, and we’ve now been living together for 2 weeks. But I’m noticing a few things that are bothering me and I’m not sure how to handle them.

The other day, I noticed that he doesn’t wash his hands after the bathroom. I’d noticed it a couple of times before but usually let it slide to avoid conflict. I was debating whether I should bring it up or not, but since we now share a household (my apartment, with my things in it), I felt it was important to remind him now that we’re living together and sharing a household.

He sighed, washed his hands quickly, and then started an argument, saying that he doesn’t wipe, so washing hands isn’t necessary. I told him that’s not very hygienic, and we went back and forth for a while. Later, he said he didn’t like to be lectured and that I should have been nicer about it. I disagreed, because I felt I had asked neutrally, but I let it go to avoid more arguing.

Then yesterday, while cooking, I noticed he had completely ruined one of my one of my nicer wooden cutting boards. He had used a bread knife to cut vegetables, leaving the surface rugged. I politely asked him to be a bit more careful with my things when using them.

Instead of apologizing, he tried to brush it off as not being important (its just a f*ing cardboard, his words) accusing me of overreacting and saying I should “pick my fights more wisely.” I stayed calm and tried to shift focus to avoid a fight, but I still had a feeling of this not being fair because my request was reasonable.

It feels like he’s very sensitive to anything that comes across as criticism, but for me it’s not about criticizing him, it’s about showing respect by listening to what I’m saying.

There have been a few other similar incidents, and I’m starting to question this living arrangement. I know the things we are arguing about seem trivial, but I feel like he is lacking respect for my belongings because he doesn't really care (he is not really careful with his own things either).

He’s renting out his apartment for 3 more months, so even if things don’t improve, we’re kind of stuck together. HOW do I bring this up constructively without it always turning into an argument?

TL:DR After moving into my apartment, my boyfriend dismisses my concerns about hygiene and damaging my belongings and turns it into an argument. I feel unheard and disrespected. How do I communicate this constructively?

This is what people had to say to OP:

RantyMcThrowaway said:

Have you guys signed a lease yet? I hope not. This isn't a living together issue, there is a fundamental lack of ability here for him to be a grown up. You won't have to "lecture" him if he behaves like a sufficient adult man.

But honestly he's forty. He's been who he is for a long time, and is unlikely to change anytime soon. If you haven't signed the lease yet, I'd tell him you're not ready to put anything on paper and that you don't want him to officially move in until you've "lived together", but separately. I strongly advise anyone considering living together to try doing that before any legal agreements have been made.

OP responded:

No, we haven't signed anything. The only thing that is on paper and signed is between him and his tenant, but my apartment is in my name, so officially, he's still living in his own place.

PugGrumbles said:

You aren't stuck together. He can make other arrangements.

duckhunt420 said:

Stop avoiding fights and conflicts. Communicate directly that he is being dismissive of your concerns and disrespectful to you, your space, and your property. If he turns that into a fight inside of listening and apologizing, that's on him. Also, he's 40. If he can't handle conflict over cutting boards now, he never will and will handle more serious things even worse.

If you can't ask for basic human decency that you could expect from any roommate, let alone a romantic partner, this relationship will only drain you and is not with being in.

OP responded:

Yes, I feel like he needs me to be super careful with my words otherwise I am the one picking a fight, like these two incidents - they are not a result of him doing something wrong, its about me not dropping the issue immediately. But I feel like I can try to address this how many times I wont, I doubt he will change his mind about, and I have to let it go...

updownclown68 said:

He bullied you into letting him move in and you are afraid of an argument if you bring up issues. Move him out again, break up.

OP shared this update in the comments:

Thanks for all the responses. I have something new to share.

I clearly communicated to him that IF we are going to continue to live togheter, he needs so listen to me and do the bare minimum, because this is still my apartment and my things he is using. His response?

He will try to do better and meet my needs...BUT. There is not change he'll move out. If so, I'll have to pay him 3000 K to cover his rent, since he is renting out his apartment and it will take him time to find another place...The number. I don't know where he pulled that from or why I would owe him any money. (I will never ever pay him anything, but just the audacity to say that...i suddenly feel nauseous.

Ok....What do I do?

Commenters responded:

slugsnailmoth said:

Break up with him and get him out! You're lucky you haven't signed a lease with him. You owe him nothing. He has shown you his true colors.

And nitrina said:

End it and kick him out. If you feel unsafe make sure a friend/fam member is also in the apartment while he packs. If he will be stupid about the money, say its not a you problem since you are not together and you are not his sponsor/mommy