'I'm breaking up with my BF after his residency exam and he doesn't know.' UPDATED

"My boyfriend doesn’t know I plan to break up with him after his residency exam."

We’ve been together 3 years. Only in the last year his alcoholism started to show. He is a mean drunk so every time after he goes out to drink he arrives home only to scream at me. He also got into dr*gs so the “arriving home” is around 10AM, after not hearing from him for half a day. The shouting finally became name calling.

After giving him an ultimatum about his lifestyle choices and how they affect me, I was promised everything will change: no more nights turned into mornings turned into evenings, no more leaving me to go home alone, no more shouting, no more dr*gs, no more secrets as where he is or with whom. But…he doesn’t know I know he lied every weekend when he told me he is in bed, sleeping.

He doesn’t know I know every girl he gave his Insta to, that I know he begged his friends to lie to me. He doesn’t know that as soon as he comes home after his Residency exam I will have my stuff packed and ready to leave. One week from today.

He doesn’t know that while he is talking about us buying a house together and getting married I cry because of how stupid he was, not because I am happy. He is currently singing in the other room, making plans for how we’ll celebrate if he passed the exam.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Domesticatedshrimp wrote:

Could you explain the logic behind not leaving asap? I just genuinely want to understand your feelings better.

OP responded:

I am in the field so I know how hard it is. I genuinely want him to pass and have a good life...just not with me in it

notasteggosaur wrote:

I recommend packing your stuff and moving out while he is gone, then if you really want to give him closure, ask him to meet somewhere in public (not a bar but like a cafe) and just let him know you are leaving him and all your stuff is moved out. Don’t risk him possibly getting violent.

ChamomileBrownies wrote:

This is the correct answer. Don't wait to let him see you walk out the door. Leaving volatile relationships like this is when these abusive relationships become the most dangerous. Make sure he doesn't know where you're staying as well, for your own safety. Just pack up and leave, maybe leave a note or ask to meet up somewhere calm and public where he'll hesitate to cause a scene.

thoughtandprayer wrote:

That's a really hard choice to make but it sounds like an overdue decision. He is not stable and he shows no sign of changing. Buying a house with him would be a huge mistake.

"as soon as he comes home after his residency exam I will have my stuff packed and ready to leave."

You may want to rethink this part. He has shown himself to be volatile. Coming home from a highly stressful exam to see you ready to leave may result in an explosive reaction. The best case scenario is an ugly, unpleasant, loud scene; the worst case scenario is that there's a risk of violence. Leave him WHILE he is at the exam. Don't be waiting for him at home, move out while he's gone.

If you feel you owe him closure, that's your choice - but do so in a way that is actually safe! Meet him in public only, have friends nearby, call him on the phone. But don't end a relationship with a volatile person in private, especially in a way that will invite conflict. Your current plan puts you at risk unnecessarily.

pnandgillybean wrote:

This is the best comment, please read OP. You have the unique chance to have a guaranteed long timeframe to get all of your stuff out and have all of your friends help you. You need to take it. Anything in his house when he comes back can be used as leverage against you, including yourself.

You already know he’s mean, and a liar, and completely deluded. If you shatter his illusion, he may get violent. If you’re there, he might hurt you. If your stuff is there, you may have to leave it behind when you run. Worse, he might lie even more to convince you to unpack those boxes and stay, and you know he’ll never let you go again.

A week later, OP jumped on with an update.

I did break up with him. Thank you all for liking and commenting, I did read each and every comment of yours and it was a relief going through this week. A few clarifications that may have sparked confusion: I am NOT from the US, English is not my first language so when I googled “residency exam” it seemed like what I was referring to: the exam a med student takes to start working in a hospital.

So, referring to those that told me to tell his boss, he doesn’t have one. To those who told me to report to the board there isn’t a “board”. He took several admission tests that verify him apt psychologically and physically.

He passed all those tests. I cannot go against several doctors’ approval with just my word. I went to the hospital and asked what I have to do to prove he’s a danger. They told me that I would need hard proof, that I cannot get, but he hospital reassured me there are check ups and and they will keep an eye on him.

I also told his parents and his friends the real reason we broke up. Now the break up. It did not go violently. I did what was suggested and I met him in a public place, after his exam. At first he acted very weird, got up and left just to quickly came back saying he is sorry, but he doesn't want to feel this pain.

We had a very civil talk where I told him how alone he made me feel every time we would go out and come back only at 12AM. I told him that he is not the person I would want to raise my children with. I told him how volatile he is and how, even though he never hurt anybody, I dont' want to be the first one.

His reaction was to cry and beg, telling me I am the love of his life and he will get help. He pledged me he will never meet up with those friends again, that he never cheated on me, that he will go to therapy. It was a long break up. Since then he bought me tickets to Venice for my work milestone(which is in 2 months) saying that it is for me and if I want, maybe for us.

He brought me flowers for Valentines and asked if we could meet, I said no and I said I will block him if he goes on like this. I am incredibly sad because my family wont talk to me, saying i am selfish for not helping them with their emotional needs even now and saying I should take him back. I feel so sorry for the both of us, what dr*gs and alcohol can turn you into.

People had a lot to say about the update.

jonasnoble wrote:

Block him anyway. And I hope you didn't accept his gifts and give him false hope.

OP responded:

I didn’t. I told him absolutely no to maintaining contact, to going out, to the flowers or to Venice and any other things that he might think of.

lilchocochip wrote:

Good for you OP! It’s so hard when your own family doesn’t support your decisions. But future-you will be so happy that you made this choice. He sounds like a dumpster fire and should fix himself before getting into a relationship with anyone

Yeah, it certainly isn’t easy. I had them screaming at me through the phone, i stopped responding and now they are screaming at me through my door. I think the hardest part of this break up is how let down I feel by my own family. It’s amazing how week after week as I am trying to change what’s making me unhappy I end up even more miserable.

Minimum-Arachnid-190 wrote:

You did what you did to protect yourself and your mental health. And possibly your future children. Please go LC with your family whilst you grieve this relationship. At the end of the day, they wouldn’t have been in this relationship with you so it’s easy for them to say yourself. If anything they are the assholes for not wanting better for you. Take care of yourself.

Wide-Palpitation-754 wrote:

Darling.

Do not feel like the bad guy in this. My dad was like him and let me tell you...I never really saw him or the real him. I don't even know if he is still alive at this point.

Know your worth. Never sink with someone else. You will find love again and for your entourage, give them hard boundaries if they appear. For now block everyone that is not talking to you.let them see that what they are doing is childish.

BurlHunterGeryl wrote:

Don’t let him love bomb you with gifts to get you to change your mind. The tickets being “maybe for us”. Make a clean break and decline the trip.

attitude_devant wrote:

OP I used to train residents. Don’t worry: the nature of the work is such that his personality issues will soon be glaringly apparent. The people in charge will insist he get help and if he doesn’t straighten up, they’ll sack him.

Luckily, it sounds like OP got TF out of there, no thanks to her family.