Fiancé tells bride-to-be his business partner is a priority over her because he makes more money. UPDATED
"My fiancé told me his business partner is a priority over me because $."
Sorry if this is long, Reddit, but understanding my problem requires some background info. My fiancé Nick and I have been together 3 years, engaged 1. I'm a grad student who's pretty broke and works odd jobs to pay for school and life. He's a mid-level executive pulling in 6 figures who works from home and has a ton of downtime and freedom.
Recently, he created an app that allows him to produce these digital goods he can sell online (I can't provide more detail). He completely controls production and distribution of his goods, and the only cost is essentially maintaining the software. The stuff practically runs itself now at zero cost to him.
There is huge demand for these goods in this small community online, and a few months ago Nick found someone there he could trust, Joe. Joe sells the goods for Nick, who doesn't like doing it, and takes 50% commission. The money is good enough that you could leave your day job doing it, although both haven't.
Ever since he built the app, Nick has been trying to get me to sell these goods for him as well. He likes when I work from home so I can share his lifestyle with him plus the money is better than a regular job. After a while, I agreed and started to sell. Initially, Nick asked for 10% of what I made, which was cool.
Then I noticed he started getting unhappy with how I was selling, but unreasonably so. He'd start an argument if I gave a customer a $2 discount for a $70 order. Apparently Joe was unhappy that I was selling on his turf and was complaining at Nick about it and Nick was taking it out on me in turn.
Keep in mind there are more than enough goods and customers for Nick to hire 5-6 more sellers on top of me and Joe. The arguments continue, selling is becoming unbearable for me, and Joe's complaints are just unreasonable. But Nick keeps saying that I'm the one who has to accommodate Joe and fix things.
Finally, I tell Nick that I feel like he prioritizes Joe over me, and he replied "Well yes, I get 50% of what he makes so he's a more important seller than you! I HAVE to prioritize him!"
That hurt my feelings, and of course I wanted the arguments to end, so I offered to give 50% of everything I sold to Nick as well so that I could be treated equally as a salesperson. He agreed.
Of course, Joe still wasn't happy. His complaints continued that I was stealing his customers and undercutting him (I wasn't). I came up with a fair solution of matching our prices, to which he agreed, but then he actively started undermining me as a seller. He would tell me he was selling something at $50, I'd follow suit, then I'd find out he was selling them at $20, that kind of stuff.
Anyway I told Nick about this and he essentially told me the same thing as before, Joe was a priority and he was tired of dealing with our drama. He also said that Joe was an established member of the community, he had a large footprint as a seller who's been doing it years before me, and he was irreplaceable.
Joe finally came clean and told Nick that he was unhappy that I was selling at all. He doesn't "want to take money out of his mouth and put into hers", and therefore he doesn't want to have any sort of sales system with me (even though it was his complaints that led to that).
Nick thought his feelings were reasonable, and started telling me that he didn't have to be my employer, and that he owned the whole thing and could shut it down any time. He said he wanted both Joe and me to be happy, and that I should work with him on finding a solution (ignoring that Joe said he wants me out and was obviously going to sabotage any solution again).
I was so disgusted and tired of the whole thing that I quit selling yesterday. Joe is happy, Nick is happy that he doesn't have to deal with the drama anymore. But I'm resentful towards Nick. I don't know if I'm in the wrong, but it's making me rethink our wedding.
EDIT: I'm mostly unhappy because Nick treated me poorly. He always took Joe's side and made Joe's problems my problems. He straight up told me I wasn't as important cause I wasn't giving him as much money, and even when I gave him 50% I still wasn't.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Yep I think I'd rethink my marriage too. Get another job, postpone the wedding, see how your relationship works out when you're not employed by you fiancé. If you're not happy then leave. Life is too short to put up with being unhappy.
BusinessOverlord2 (OP)
I'm getting another job and postponing the wedding for sure. Should I just let go of the resentment? I'm too mad about this to really let go, I think, which probably means I should leave anyway doesn't it?
Girl, your boyfriend is not marriage material for the following reasons:
Nick let Joe push you out of a job because Joe threw a hissy fit. Nick felt justified to do so because Joe made more money. Nick will always take the side that benefits him most, without any regard for you or your feelings.
I wouldn't even date a guy who turned me out of a job he convinced me to take in the first place just to please a misogynistic prick of a friend who was threatened by another salesperson.
The fact that you're still with him and have to post to reddit to consider dumping this scumbag is indicative of how much you respect yourself. Lady, you're better than this. Stand up for yourself and find a guy who will respect and appreciate you.
BusinessOverlord2 (OP)
I agree with your bullet points. Although I didn't post to Reddit because of low self-esteem- I wanted to see every variety of viewpoints on this issue. Maybe I was hoping to have overlooked something from his point of view that'd make all of this ok. Evidently, my gut feeling was right and calling off the wedding is the right decision.
Ugh. In psychology class I remember our teacher talking about how adding money to a relationship can be doom. He was talking about loaning money, but adding a business relationship to your existing MARRIAGE potential is nightmare fuel. It sounds... Like you aren't his fiancé's anymore. You are his employee. And you should quit. Edit: Oh, you did! Sorry!
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Keeping all your advice in mind, I sat down with Nick last night to have a talk about the venture and Joe. At first, he was defensive. He accused me of entering the business and "demanding to change the system Joe and I created".
He said I'd been acting like an entitled girlfriend asking for him and Joe to cater to my whims. I was so baffled by this version of events that I made him discuss each event chronologically. He tried to put the blame on me but I wasn't having any of it.
Eventually he admitted that everything was fine with me until Joe started asking for changes. That is the only time I started coming up with proposed changes to the system because neither he nor Joe were coming up with any but kept telling me "something needed to change". Then he finally explained why he'd been acting the way he has.
So it turns out that Nick doesn't view Joe as an employee the way I was, but viewed him as an equal business partner who was there with him from the beginning and has equal say in the business. That was why he was irreplaceable.
He apparently told Joe that I would only be selling temporarily, which is NOT what he told me. Naturally, Joe started getting miffed when it turned out I was there to stay, especially when I "started selling a blizzard of goods", in Nick's words. He hadn't expected me to be so good at selling.
Nick apologized, said he handled the whole affair very poorly, and said that I wasn't to blame after all. I accepted his apology, but I told him that none of it had been a reason to treat me badly and that it showed that I was still not a priority.
I told him that I haven't been a priority since the beginning of our relationship and that marriage was not on the table anymore because I really need to be a team with my husband.
He went quiet and then started talking about how he feels like he has to cater to me all the time, keep me entertained, and that my life revolves around him. I was really surprised by this because I lead a normal life (school work etc) and detected a hint of contempt because I'm not entirely consumed by work like he is.
After a bit of prodding, it turns out that Nick is one of those people who prefer living by themselves having 30 hr coding marathons alone then passing out for 15. Any kind of relationship where you see each other more than 3x a week is too much work for him, essentially.
That isn't conducive to any relationship I want to have (and that hint of contempt really sealed the deal for me). He thinks I'm too high maintenance (in attention and effort), and I think he's not meeting my minimum requirement for a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé. We expressed these things to one another (I did mention the BS distribution of labor, too).
At the end of the discussion, I told him the wedding was on indefinite hold and that we would be living separately from now on. He seemed bummed out but accepted it. I think he really feels that our relationship can work that way! He seemed pretty damn chipper this morning.
I know I need to leave him immediately. The problem is that we have a 2 month long international trip coming up in a week that I cannot cancel, so I want to make that as painless as possible (that trip has been 10 years in the making and entails family members I haven't seen in a long time). After that, I'll move out and let him know it's over.
EDIT on why the trip is necessary:
This is actually a very involved trip into a couple of continents. We have a shared apartment in Europe that we were planning on emptying and ending the lease on. We're both needed for that.
The second leg of the trip is to my native country and he's not needed for that. However he's already paid thousands of dollars in nonrefundable airfare for it and has been excited for months about it, so I'm not about to yank that out from under him. Our relationship may be ending, but I don't hate him.
Honestly he knows what me moving out means, he's a smart guy. I've always made clear that living together and getting married is important to me, so he knows. He's also someone who avoids unpleasant conversations like the plague, so it won't be awkward. This trip is making the best of things, I suppose.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I'm really sorry it worked out this way. The only condolence I can offer is that at least these things came to light before you were married. It sounds like you handled it very well and I applaud you for that. I'm certain you'll find someone worthy of your attention who can give you what you need.
Everything else aside, he is not an equal partner if he didn't put in 50%. I'm sorry that it worked out this way, but I commend you for communicating.
BusinessOverlord2 (OP)
Thanks. It's not what I've dreamed of, but it's better than the alternative.
Why does this man even want a relationship if he doesn’t want to pay his partner any attention at all.
Hugs op! You did a really good job communicating and keeping the discussion on track. I hope you find someone who finds you a priority and that hanging out with you is awesome fun. hugs