Protective father shuts down gal friend’s 'desperate' attempt to insert herself as parental figure for son. + Update
"My [21/M] friend [19/F] is trying to be my son's [5/M] 'mom.'"
singledadthrowaway2
I have sole custody of my son. I'll be the first to admit that I'm very protective and paranoid over Damian, but I don't think I'm overreacting in this instance. I'm friends with a group of people in the same major as me.
The girl in question, Ivy, is a recent edition to the group and is a bit immature, but she's very friendly and nice to hang out with. She tried flirting with me in the past, but I firmly rejected her and she seemed to have gotten over it. We've known each other for about a year.
Recently, they all hung out at my place for a bit. Obviously Damian was there, and met Ivy. Ivy was instantly smitten, because Damian's adorable. Her behavior since then has been really off-putting.
She constantly asks to babysit Damian and pouts when I say no, thinks Damian should come to every study session or hang-out (even ones later at night), wants to talk about him constantly, etc.
One or two girls before have tried to be Damian's 'mom' and my response has been icing them out of our lives, but this is a lot more complicated as she's integrated into my main group of friends. I've mostly just not responded to her when she talks about Damian, but I'm looking for ways to shut her down permanently without getting everyone else involved.
Here were the top rate comments from readers in respones to the OP's initial post:
MockingbirdRambler
You can just let her know that while her offers to childwatch are much appreciated, you find his presence during group work and study times a distraction to what you need to focus on at the time. But that her offers are under consideration and if you have need of her, you will take her up on the offer.
The other thing that might be happening is that she is crushing on you, and wants to do you a favor in hopes of winning your affections. Her acceptance of your kid is a way of showing how great you two would be together (This is how I thought as a 19 year old with guy in my friend group with a kid)
The OP responded here:
singledadthrowaway2
I think I'll firmly tell her that I don't need her to babysit and that I have plenty of people already who can watch Damian, and that I will not talk about him if she brings him up again.
whenifeellikeit
So basically Ivy and these other girls aren't actually that interested in Damian, are they? They're more interested in showing you what great mommies they are and how much they love your kid in order to get with you, right?
Cuz, I mean, I have kids (not single, but still) and I don't have a problem with my friends totally falling in love with my sons and inviting them to stuff or asking about them. However, it seems like the situation is way, way different with these girls and your son.
If Ivy gets really overbearing, you might need to get blunt about it. "Sorry, I've got enough childcare, and study groups are for studying. Also, ease up on the maternal stuff, okay? I'm not in the market for a new mother for my son, and you're getting pretty creepy about it."
The OP again responed:
singledadthrowaway2
That's my feeling about it, and it's happened before. I'm trying to keep down my knee-jerk reaction of being upset over her trying to "use" my son because I don't think it's a conscious decision. I don't mind my friends loving Damian and wanting to hang out with him. He's a very lovable kid.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
"My [21/M] friend [19/F] is trying to be my son's [5/M] 'mom' – Things Got Weird Update'
singledadthrowaway2
Some things I didn't mention in my original post that probably explained my situation a bit better:
Damian is generally babysat by my mother, as I rent the apartment above her garage and she is retired. Barring that, my older sister is a SAHM (my niece is four) and she can take Damian in.
Damian has also started kindergarten; I definitely don't need any help with childcare. Ivy's very intense and outgoing, almost overbearing. As I said before, she's 19 and still has the teenager mindset. She was very badgering about both her flirting and her childcare offers, and I think she thinks that if my kid likes her, I'll like her too.
I'm very, very careful about who I let into Damian's life, as that could affect him deeply. I also have a Facebook I have on (what I thought was) very tight lockdown. I occasionally share photos of Damian up there (like three or so a year, kind of holiday card type pictures.) Relevant.
Ivy and I ended up alone together on campus, and she once again made an offer to watch Damian so I had 'a night to myself.' I firmly said that I don't need a babysitter, her repeated offers were not appreciated, and that spending time with my son is far from a hardship. The kid conks out at like eight, it's not like I don't have free time. I think that got through to her and so she stopped asking. It was over, or so I thought.
At the beginning of October, I went out with my family to a pumpkin patch/fall festival thing. My sister took a picture of Damian and me together; I thought it was a nice photo, so I uploaded it so people like my uncle's and aunt's upstate could see it.
One of my oldest friends (who is a lesbian and her profile picture is her kissing her girlfriend at Pride) made a DILF joke in the comments, which is the same DILF joke she's been making since Damian was born. I think it's hilarious, she thinks it's hilarious, and everyone on my Facebook know it's a joke.
Ivy has my number because of the study group. About a day after I had posted that picture, I get a long, rambling text about how my oldest friend is secretly in love with me and is being disrespectful of my son and I's relationship.
It was a wall of text that honestly made me think she was drunk despite it being a Tuesday afternoon, and then I realized how the heck did she get access to the picture and the comments when we're not friends on Facebook and everything is on lockdown. (She had gone on to a mutual friend's Facebook without him knowing.)
I told her that her next-level Facebook stalking and immense investment in a 5-year-old was incredibly worrisome, then blocked her. I talked to a couple of other people about it, and they all mentioned they thought Ivy's behavior was getting increasingly strange and were going to talk about it with her.
A mutual friend, Maggie, then called me and said that Ivy had come to her apartment sobbing about how I don't love her, I'm her dream guy, etc. Romance novel stuff, very concerning. I got a lot of similar texts until Maggie somehow convinced her to delete my number.
Anyway, I ended up not talking to Ivy anymore anyway and she's probably not coming to the study groups anymore. Hopefully, this was the last manifestation of teenage angst and she'll feel embarrassed about it afterwards instead of something more serious. Maggie says she'll update me in case something drastic happens.
Here were the the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
backupbitches
Sounds like this was a difficult and stressful situation, OP. If you need some time to relax and recover from it, I would be MORE than happy to watch Damian for a bit!
AnEnbyCalledDee
"No one ever does" in response to not expecting a stabbing to enter the story is such a stone cold line.
rosoe
He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy
"Even when my dick is securely inside my pants, it attracts crazy."
That would make a great flair.