'My GF asked for an open relationship, I said "no" and now she's acting strange.' UPDATED

"My GF asked for an open/poly relationship, I said 'no and now she's acting strange."

My girlfriend(28f) and I(26f) have been in a relationship for 3 years and afew months now, but no long ago she started sliding in hints before full on telling me that she wants to try an open or poly relationship. She asked about this before at the start of our relationship and I thought that I made it clear that I was/am monogamous and not interested in that.

Now she's asking again and saying how we could both even share a girlfriend or we could be open and hook up with who ever. I told her no and asked her why she was pushing this again. She says that it could be a way to spice up our intimate life and I said something like "okay... Well I'm not into that, you know that. So no go." She got agitated and said to just try it, which pissed me off and again said no.

This conversation happened alil over 2 weeks ago and she seems to be pissed off about it still(not really talking to me and sleeping in the guest room). I've tried to get her to talk to me about it but she just brushes me off and says that it's not important anymore. I've been venting to friends about it & a few of my friends brought up that maybe she's already cheated or is cheating and is trying to cover it up,

or maybe she has someone in mind that she wants to be with. I doubted it at first but now I wonder because she has been a lil more distant and just over all off, even before the whole "open relationship" talk. We haven't been hooking up as often as we used to but I chalked that up to it being because of my hectic work schedule. I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid that if I start digging that I won't like what I find.

(Edit/mini update: I'm going to either snoop in her phone or confront her about it. I love her but I also don't want to be played. If she's hiding something, I will find out)

Commenters weighed in:

alexalexisandre said:

Doesn’t matter if she’s cheating or not because this relationship is already over. She wants something from this relationship that you don’t. And it’s a pretty major something that you have clear, expressed boundaries around—not a “let’s compromise on what we have for dinner” something.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with what she wants. There’s also nothing inherently wrong with you setting boundaries and sticking to them. The fact that she now won’t accept the boundaries she’s been aware of all along, though, that’s not ok.

So, doesn’t matter because you each want something vastly different and that’s not a recipe for a lasting relationship. You’re better off cutting your losses now, rather than dragging this out for potentially increased pain on all sides.

Unique-Yam said:

Sorry, but the two of you appear to be incompatible. She wants something you don’t and there doesn’t seem to be a compromise that will give both of you what you want. It’s time to discuss ending it and moving on before resentment and anger set in.

[deleted] said:

This is not something someone just suggests randomly. She's thought about it, maybe even already talked about it with other people. Mentally, at least, she may have gone down the path further than you know. When she says it's not important, now, what she means is it's not important for her to talk about it with you.

She's likely considering whether she wants to stay in this relationship. And frankly, you should do the same - you both deserve to have a partner who is on the same wavength about something as basic (and complex) as monogamy.

Titanus69420 said:

She told you directly that she wants to sleep with other people, now she's sad that she can't sleep with other people. What more of a hint do you want that she wants to sleep with other people?

Biauralbeats said:

She is being very emotionally manipulative. She may have already cheated and wants open to alleviate guilt.

Four days after his original post, OP shared this update:

It's super late but I'm numb, sobering up, and just can't sleep. This sucks but I need to get this off my chest and out my head. So a few days ago I posted about how my gf of 3 years asked me for an open relationship or to try a poly relationship.

I actually got to sit her down to talk the next day after posting about it and asked her why she brought it up again(she asked in the past, in the beginning of our relationship) after dating for so long. She repeated that she just wanted to spice up our love life and I asked her "how would that spice things up though? The only one who's gonna find it sexy is you because you know that I'm not into that."

She said something about how I should be open minded about it because so many people wish they had a partner like her that would be ok with them screwing other people. I said "yeah, if they were into that then I'd get that."

After alil more back and forth & talking in circles I just said "listen, if you want to screw someone else then just say that. However, we'll be over. I love you but if you want this then you should go be with someone that would give you what you want cause I can't." I thought that she'd be alil remorseful or apologize or anything but what she told me.

I assume she thought that I just broke up with her because she just got pissed and screamed out "oh so we're over?! Fine! I've been screwing -her guy friend- anyways and I'm pregnant!" Yeah my lesbian gf is pregnant by a friend of ours. My hands are shaking just thinking about this again. I tried to hold it together but I just couldn't and I tried to kick her out but she wouldn't leave.

So I left to a friend's place and have been here over the weekend. My now ex kept calling me but I only answered and told her to get her sh!t together and move out and go live with the douchebag(who I deleted and blocked because I would lose my sh!t on him at that time) then turned off my phone. I turned my phone back on this morning and my ex left messages.

I called her(to get closure if anything) and asked her how long, she said since December when I went out of town. I asked if they hooked up in my bed and she said yes. I asked if this was the reason for the open relationship bs and she again said yes. Lastly, I asked if she was planning to keep the baby and still stay with me, and she said yes. I just hung up.

I've deleted and blocked her on everything for now because I just need to distance myself right now. I'm gonna see if I can break my lease on the apt we shared because now that I know that they've been fooling around in there, I don't want it anymore. For now though, I'm just chilling at my friend's and will probably be here until I can get out of my lease.

I have no more tears left, I can't tell if I'm in shock or emotionally broken. I took some time off work but I don't know how I'll ever get back to normal after this.

Thanks for the advice from my previous post, I'ma try to get some sleep now.