'My GF keeps calling my sobriety 'control' and I don’t know if I’m being manipulated.'
"(M32) My girlfriend (F29) keeps calling my sobriety 'control' and I don’t know if I’m being manipulated or just sensitive."
I’m M32, she’s F29, together a little over 3 years. We don’t have kids, we live separately but spend most nights together. For context, I quit drinking 9 months ago after realizing I was sliding into "drink to turn my brain off" territory.
No DUI, no law breaking stuff, but I was waking up anxious, missing mornings, gaining weight, being a worse son and friend. I started therapy, got serious, and now I’m honestly proud of myself. My girlfriend drinks socially but also uses alcohol as her main stress relief. When we started dating, that felt normal. Now it feels like a tug-of-war where the rope is my boundaries.
At first she said she supported me, but over time she’s gotten mean in this very specific way. If I say I’m not drinking tonight, she’ll sigh and say I’m "judging" her. If I leave a party early because I’m tired, she tells people I’m "in my sober phase" like it’s a quirky personality trend. The worst is when she frames it as me controlling her.
Example: last weekend she wanted us to do a wine night at her place and I offered to bring fancy snacks and make it a mocktail night. She got cold instantly and said, "So I’m not allowed to relax in my own home because you decided to be better than everyone." I told her that’s not what I said, and that I literally don’t care if she drinks, I just don’t want it to be the whole night’s focus.
She kept repeating "you don’t care" in this sarcastic voice and then said I’m trying to punish her for "having fun. " Later she apologized, but it was one of those apologies that turns into a speech about how her ex used to control her and how my sobriety is triggering her trauma. I know trauma is real. I also know she uses it like a shield when she wants the conversation to end.
Two nights ago it blew up because I found out she’s been texting an ex again. Not explicit sexting, but the kind of flirty "remember us" stuff and late night memes, inside jokes, pet names. When I asked her about it, she said I was being paranoid because I’m "addicted to control now instead of alcohol."
That line hit me like a slap. I’m not proud, but I raised my voice. She immediately went calm and said, "See, this is why I don’t feel safe." Then she told me if I keep acting like her dad and monitoring her choices, she’ll end it. I left and sat in my car for 20 minutes like an idiot, just shaking.
I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if I’m in a relationship where every boundary becomes proof I’m the bad guy. I love her, but I’m exhausted. How do I even have a productive talk with someone who flips everything into me being controlling, or do I take this as the sign to walk away?
TLDR I quit drinking, girlfriend resents it and labels my boundaries as control, and when I confronted flirty ex texting she used my sobriety against me.
This is what people had to say to OP:
Bon-Bon-Boo said:
Dude, if my GF of 3 years started texting an ex “remember us” messages, she’d be shown the door quicker than it took her to press send. That is BS. And her not supporting your sobriety choice is a red flag. End of story.
isprayyourreddiwhip said:
sounds like it’s gonna end eventually. hate to break it to you but clearly you’re not compatible. might as well just call it unfortunately.
also, congrats on being 9 months sober. she’s clearly projecting her insecurities onto you about her lifestyle and then trying to make you insecure texting her ex. if her lifestyle felt perfectly acceptable to her, why would she care how you live anyway?
And MermaidTailBlanket said:
So you're doing something to improve your physical and mental health, and her response is to mock you, make it about her feeling controlled and run back to an ex to reminisce on the good times. This isn't a partner that has your back and your best interests at heart, which is literally the bare minimum. This woman isn't putting in the bare minimum.