'My GF told me to get a 'real' job or else she is going to break up with me.' UPDATED

"My girlfriend (32F) told me(27m) to get a 'real' job or else she is going to break up with me."

For the last three days, I have been thinking about the conversation I had with my girlfriend and I don’t know what to do. I cannot tell this to my friends or my family because they are not really fond of my girlfriend and I already know what they’re going to say and I need objectivity. I should begin with giving a little bit background information on what I do and about myself.

After my freshman year of high school, I was sent to live with my grandfather’s brother, who had recently diagnosed with stage 5 chronic kidney disease. My uncles were living abroad, my parents were working and my grandmother was taking care of my grandfather,

who was constantly sick and was too emotional to look after my grand uncle and I took the responsibility because he was family and we take care of each other in my family. My grand uncle had lost his wife and son in a car accident in 1990s and had been alone ever since, although he used to come to family gatherings.

He worked as a crane operator in the far east and invested nearly all his money in our home country and had a small fortune by the time he died. I stayed in the city he lived in -where he and his family used to live and he refused to move to our city despite our pleas- during the rest of my high school years and studied college there.

I grew up so much there and I learned so much from him and he used to describe me to people by saying “he is like my son”. After college, he urged me to go back to the city my parents lived and start my life there because there were more opportunities there and that he could find a nurse for himself.

I was 22 at the time I moved back in to the city and into my own place. It’s around this time my girlfriend’s mandatory service in the east as a doctor -neonatologist- had ended and she returned back to the city. We were first introduced in a house warming party of a mutual friend and then run into each other in a coffee shop and we have been inseparable ever since.

I started working as a translator for a TV network, as a freelance writer for foreign news outlets and I would also give private lessons to elementary school students. One of my uncle is child-free and is against relationships and he would send me money every month. All in all, I was in a very comfortable place financially.

About 1.5 years into our relationship, my grand uncle died and I inherited nearly all his wealth, including all his assets and most of his money, except for a small amount he left for the nurse that took care of him after I had left.

Later I learned that my uncles and my father advised him to do so because they all trusted me to keep the family comfortable and use the money smartly and my uncle even told me that I deserved it for being there for him when he needed someone.

I invested the money smartly and rented most of the houses. I also kept my job as a translator and a free agent writer, but I stopped working as a private teacher. A friend of mine wanted to move his textile business to a bigger place and offered me to be his partner, which I accepted in a heartbeat because it was a great opportunity.

I have been traveling and talking to our clients and making the deals and that’s basically all I do. So I have been working at most 2-3 hours a day for the last 2 years and I have been focusing on improving myself intellectually and physically and I spend more time with my family and friends. All in all, I make more than three times that of my girlfriend.

I thought she was happy with my life choices and I thought she got my back, but it turns out she really despises my work life and wants me to get a desk job somewhere other than my firm because that would not be “fair”. She says I need to be a responsible adult and show our future kids a proper work ethic and she says I have been immature and a man child. I tried to reason to her that I was spending

more time on myself and I get to do things that I couldn’t in the past regarding reading, studying different topics, languages and working out. I had an accident in the past, so I had to stop working out, but now that I have the time I want to do that. When I told her this, she told me that muscles don’t make me a man and told me to either man up and find a real job or she is leaving me.

I really don’t want to find a 9-5 desk job. I didn’t want to do that even before I got my inheritance, that’s why I was working from home as a translator/ writer. I don’t want to break up with her because I love this woman so much and I look up to her and admire her.

I cannot talk about this with any of my family members as they all still hold a grudge against her for a thing that happened 3 years ago and my friends are not fond of her either. They don’t know what she means to me. I don’t know what to do. How do I navigate through this? I tried talking to her again, but she straight up told me to give her an answer and she has been giving me the silent treatment. Please help.

Commenters weighed in:

[deleted] said:

you are asking for advice on the completely unreasonable ultimatum you were given by the person who none of your friends and family likes. C'mon, it really sounds like this is an easy one. It will be sad to lose her...at least until your blinders come off and you realize that you have escaped someone who is at the very least, not right for you.

are-we-the-baddies said:

You have rental property’s and are a partner in a textile business that does translations on the side. What exactly does she want you to do sit In a cubicle all day getting yelled at by a crappy boss? You have a job you are managing rental property and part owner of a textile business. Dump her and find a woman that appreciates you for you. It sounds like your friends and family don't like her for a reason.

[deleted] said:

Your girlfriend sucks. Your life sounds good. You had good fortune and you made smart choices. Its not like the only thing you are doing with your day is sitting on the couch. She's just jealous she has to work and you don't. Do you really want to be with a person that toxically jealous? Do you want her raising your kids? Move on. Live your best life.

[deleted] said:

How would getting a 9-5 make you a responsible adult? You’re already financially secure, manage several properties, are able to pay your bills on time... your girlfriend sounds ridiculous. Nothing you wrote here sounds like a “man child.” You’re an adult. You lead your own life.

Honestly, if a desk job is her deciding factor of whether or not she’s going to stay with you, I’d be inclined to just let her leave. If you give in to this, what else is she going to pressure you to change about yourself? It doesn’t sound like your feelings of adoration are reciprocated here.

WildlyUninteresting said:

Dump her. She sounds jealous. It's not about you. She wants you as unhappy as her.

ShoppingVarious1009 said:

I stopped reading when I read that your family and friends don’t like your GF. Family is one thing but your friends don’t like your GF?? That’s a huge red flag if I ever seen one. The red flag is from your GF btw.

And OP responded:

I think they are being unfair to my girlfriend. I explained the situation in another comment and I am pasting it here:

I used to do voluntary work -be it helping kids in orphanage with their homework, helping animals etc- back in high school and college whenever I had the time. During the first summer of college, I was presented with an opportunity to help build a library and renovate a school in Somalia as a part of a greater project made by my college and country.

My mom took care of my grand uncle for a month until I came back. It was a great time and I have met with one of my best friends, Hazel there and loved every bit of it. Hazel was our team captain and she stayed there longer than I did and after she graduated, she was offered a job by a humanitarian organization and have been helping people in the region ever since.

Fast forward to around the first year anniversary of my relationship with my girlfriend, Hazel called me and told me that the school we worked to renovate is looking for Turkish and English teachers, but I needed to hurry and get there as soon as possible with the next flight, because she wasn’t supposed to just inform one person,

but needed to choose a person among the volunteers and she was really doing me a favor. The moment I heard the offer, I was so sure this was what I wanted. It was like a golden opportunity and I loved helping people there and being a teacher there for a year made me thrilled.

But the timing couldn’t be worse as just a week before, my father and I had helped my uncle(mother’s brother) pay off his debt and, in general, help him and his wife -who was also pregnant- out during a financially difficult time for them. So neither I or my father had cash needed to buy a ticket, which was very expensive.

My uncle (the one who used to send me money) would’ve happily covered me, but he was on a hiking trip and I couldn’t reach him. My other uncle was paying a loan and couldn’t have covered my expenses. Then, I asked my three closest friends and all of them lended me as much money as they could, but I still needed a few hundred bucks.

I then asked my GF and she told me that she didn’t want to give me the money, she didn’t think it was a good idea. I ended up not going there, but I never blamed her. The timing was just awful and there was nothing I could do about it. I mean, it sucked but I got over it. My family on the other hand, didn’t like this at all. They didn’t invite her to family gatherings for a while and they're still not over what happened.

TityMcBiggie said:

This seems a bit toxic. While other people have also stated the toxicity. I will add maybe she's not PURPOSELY doing it. I too have a partner who does not do the 9-5 cubicle of death. I was raised to go to college and get an average job. My partner said screw college and became a comedian. I at first hated and resented him because it seemed unfair.

As well as I grew up in a household where my dad worked a lot and did "adult male" things. To me my partners life seemed unrealistic because of the reality I faced. I also worried about him fathering my kids. But I now see there's multiple ways to live life.

She may not realize how she's forcing her view on reality onto yours and truly may think she's being logical. I thought I was logical at the time. Now 2 years later I ditched the Dental field and truly appreciate my partner inspiring me to live differently. Now him and I both share a mutual happiness in doing work that others don't perceive as a "real job".

It just took him showing me the upsides to what he does. As well as me interacting with more successful people who did "man child" or not "real job" stuff . Now I see how he has been a man the whole time and a smart one to find work that doesn't suck his soul dry.

And OP responded:

She never really sees me working. I have always avoided working when she is home because I wanted to focus on her. Thank you. I’ll definitely keep this in mind when I talk to her.

Commenters were on the fence. JK! The unanimous verdict was: Dump her. Did OP take their advice?

Three days after his original post, he shared this update:

I want to start by thanking everyone who commented on my post and those of you who texted me. I read each and every single reply and comment and you guys really helped me navigate my way through this.

I first tried looking at things from her perceptive and how my inheritance and fortunates may have affected her. I don’t really have a luxurious life. I live in a small apartment and I don’t even have a car. I use public transportation, but I realize that I am more than lucky to be in this position. And since she has never seen me work, as I made sure to focus on her when we are together,

I decided to ask her to come with me to my next business trip, so that she may see me working. If not, then I at the very least, wanted her to take a day off and just observe me. The overwhelming majority of the comments were telling me to break up with her, I didn’t want to break up but I tried to prepare myself for it. In short, I was hoping for the best I was prepared for the worst.

She came to our apartment this afternoon, as she was staying over at her sister’s house, and we sat down and started talking immediately. I said everything I mentioned above and proposed her that we can also go to counseling.

She told me that her going with me to a business trip would only strengthen her previous opinion and that she didn’t think it was a good idea and she said she was too tired for counseling. I told her that I wasn’t going to throw away my life over an issue we could fix if we just tried to solve it.

She then told me that she was too tired to be with me and she was unhappy in our relationship and that I was too unpredictable and that she told me that if I ever decided to pursue another girl somewhere else, she wouldn’t know it until I leave her for the new girl. All of these were extremely hard to hear for me.

She then asked me one more time to settle down and find a new job and then we can take our relationship further. I told her I didn’t want this and that I thought it would be best if we went our separate ways. This is not my first heartbreak and I don’t think it will be the last, so I think I’m gonna manage the break up just fine. But there is this feeling inside me that I can’t seem to shake off.

Like I now I am alright, but I just feel numb. My heart still pounds fast with what happened, but I am not panicking or anything like that. She will return tomorrow to get her things to her sister’s house and I will go no-contact after that. Thank you guys again for giving me your thoughts and opinions.