'My GF of almost a year told my son to call her 'Mommy' behind my back.' UPDATED
"My GF of almost a year told my son to call her 'Mommy' behind my back."
I was married to the most amazing woman 6 years ago. We had been dating for 2 years before we got married. She got pregnant after graduating from college. We were both happy, this is what we had wanted. Our son was born. Life was awesome.
10 months after his birth, while on a trip to get some stuff for the house her car collided with 2 others. Nothing could be done. Her ribs broke inwards, her lungs were crushed. She died by the time the ambulance came. Life was a witch.
Suddenly the whole world had collapsed on me. I was in shock, the therapy didn't help. The only thing that kept me going was my son. He was barely 10 months old, but he lived. I forgot about everything else in life and functioned just as a father. I didn't go out, I ignored my friends, killed my social life altogether.
Still, I was proud of what I had accomplished as a single father. Sure there were a few scares here and there, but overall it was great. My son was healthy and happy. Money was never a problem for me. It still hurt like a witch inside.
I literally felt no temptation to meet anybody else. I was still recovering from it all, I guess. Then, I started going out a little. My sister offered to take care of my son. She was great with him, so I felt comfortable. I got back in touch with my friends. I still retained my good physique. There wasn't much to do at home so I'd just work out. I had started taking care of myself too.
I got used a little to the female attention. After blowing off the initial 4-5 dates (I know its bad but I just couldn't go ahead with them then), I started meeting other women. I'd just have casual dates with these women, but I'd turn them down before anything physical happened.
It took me a long time to even kiss a girl again. On this cycle, I met "Natalie" (random alias here). She was an exceptionally beautiful girl who worked in my industry, loved that I was a single father and sympathised with my loss. She was a great person and had an awesome personality.
I found something special about her so I stuck with her. It took us almost a month to have sex but she was very patient with me. I had told her upfront that meeting my son is not something that is happening very soon. She understood.
We had a great relationship. She complained a few times about me spending a lot of time with my son and barely enough with her but we made it work after talking about the issue. She only met my son for the first time 2 months ago.
I brought her along when we were at the park. She said Hi and he just looked up and sorta laughed. He's 4 and he's able to articulate properly, at least small words and greetings, so I told him to say Hello.
He said that and then the attention was back to the racquet and the ball. She was clearly liked him. I know she wasn't feigning interest because even when I went a bit away and was busy with something else she was trying to play with him and interact with him a lot. That was supposed to be a happy moment but seeing him with her reminded my of my wife and it hurt like a witch again. But I got over it.
So I gradually increased their time together. We still met outside most of the time and not that much inside. We spent the day time at her place and late night she would come over to mine when my son was asleep.
After a point I felt a little comfortable leaving them alone together. So this week my sister was visiting in town. My son absolutely adores her. She was his first female contact. I had to leave take an overnight flight to get some work stuff sorted out, so she stayed at my place.
Natalie calls me in the morning and tells me that she wants to visit my son. She's been visiting him a lot so I think its okay. When I come back this is what my sister worriedly tells me:
Natalie came around in the morning. She spent around an hour with my son and my sister (they're good friends and get along very well). So my sister got up to make something for them and went into the kitchen, while Natalie and my son were in the living room.
He was on the floor playing with his toys, I guess. As soon as my sister goes into the kitchen, Natalie picks up my son on to her lap. My sister tells me that she heard her trying to get him to call her "Mommy".
He usually calls her by a shortened version of her name which also makes him giggle for some reason. So he said that and he giggled, my sister leant to see what they were doing and according to her my girlfriend was saying to him, "No, not (the name that my son has for her), M-O-M-M-Y" and repeating that again till my son said it. Then she kept on saying "I'm your MOMMY", "MOMMY" and more like that.
My sister was alarmed but didn't say anything. He's done that with her too but she always brought up a picture of his mother to show him. So he stopped calling her that. I have always told him that the "angel" in the picture is "Mommy". it took him time but he stopped calling anyone else mommy.
I had told my girlfriend about this before and she had agreed. I had told her that it was important to me that my son know who is real mother was. She said she understood.
And now here I am. Angry, frustrated, enraged and feeling a bit betrayed. I don't know how long this has been going on. I haven't said anything about it to her. She knows I'm pissed about something. We have our 1 year together completing in 20 days. I had big plans for that. Now, I don't know what to do. You guys got any ideas?
Guys, this is not about me moving on from my wife. This is about my son's mother. That's all. I'll talk to her about this. I don't want to break up but I do want her to know that she has messed up colossally and that this will set back our relationship.
I'll try and be delicate. Also, most replies now are negative and aggressive, so I'll hop off Reddit. So, no point posting any more. There are other people who need your advice. Thanks for the advice you have given me. I promise I will update.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I'm willing to bet that she thinks if you hear your son call her Mommy that you will want to marry her. I absolutely would not tolerate that type of betrayal. You need to tell her that you know and then you need to take a break. Give her time to realize that doing this is not the way to your heart.
I would agree with this. She may be in a different place then op. And if you've never had a loss as hard to deal with as OP did she may not get it either.
Use your words. Tell Natalie that your sister overheard her trying to get your son to call her Mommy. You set a boundary, and she broke it. Tell her how angry, frustrated and betrayed you feel after you clearly established that you do not want your son calling anyone but your late wife Mommy.
Either she comes out with a clear sincere apology of her own volition (and you work on regaining trust), or she is no longer allowed to see your son.
True to their word, the OP returned four days later with an update.
Hey guys. Just thought I'd quickly update you on what happened between my girlfriend and me. Basically, I talked to her. She did agree that this had indeed happened. So, she didn't deny it, that was a good thing.
I asked her why she did it. She gave the reason that she always felt like an extra in my life. She thought that we could be a closer if we tried to be family. I explained to her, in a calm composed manner, that we can't just pretend to be a family. And that her trying to make a permanent bond with my 4 year old son whom she'd known only for 2 months wasn't quite the way to do it. She cried and apologised.
Nevertheless, this was a huge setback in our relationship. Its difficult to look at things the same way after what happened. Our big anniversary surprise is cancelled. I'll make up for it sometime later.
We are still dating but she isn't going to meet my son anytime soon. This meant that we'd be spending less nights together, but she understood. I'm also going to see a child therapist to get this "Mommy" thing sorted out once and for all so that my son isn't emotionally affected.
For those of you saying that what she did was 100% right, it wasn't. My girlfriend and I are dating. She has known my son only for 2 months. If a "mommy" bond were to form right now and we were to break up, it'll affect my 4 year old too. That'll have to wait for marriage, which honestly is something I have mentally pushed back for now. It'll take time to get the trust back with her.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Just want to say this is probably one of the only posts I've seen on here where you actually try your hardest to put your son first while dating. Almost every post here has people living together with kids after 6 months, having bf/gf involved with their kids from "day one" and they met early and fell in love etc.
You waited almost a year* into a serious relationship to even introduce your kid which is more than most people can say. What she did was messed up but you're handling it well. Good luck with the child psychologist.
As someone effected by their parent entering a relationship without regard for their kid (I fought with the guy constantly to the point where I just ended up sitting on my computer in my bedroom all the time during my early teenage years) thank you for pointing this out. This can cause a lot of issues for a child. Especially one too young to know what's going on.
Wait. People said she was right?
Five weeks later, the OP returned with another update.
I know all of you guys would be expecting a wonderful update with all of us becoming one big happy family. Sorry, but I got witch slapped by life. Since a couple of weeks ago, she kept pushing me again and again over visiting my son. I told her "No" firmly, but she kept on being passive aggressive. All I wanted was a little more time, but she pushed me to a limit.
She said that my son was missing her (he was not) and that I'm doing him a disservice by keeping her out of his life, and that I'm a horrible parent and I can't raise my son alone. We had a big fight over it, and we broke up. She broke down and crawled back and apologised but things were never going to be the same. Life freaking sucks.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You did the right thing, man. She sounds like she has some issues.
Stay strong and don't let her back into your life.
cantblogit (OP)
This is something I knew I would do, if I was not a parent. I know it would be the incorrect thing to do, you know, going back to an ex after they did something horrible, but I'd still lose my spine and take her back. Now that I have my son to think about, no, nada, never gonna happen. I mean, it sucks, this entire thing, but I will absolutely go no contact.
I'm so sorry. You absolutely did the right thing by putting your son first. You're an awesome dad.
A full year later, the OP returned with another update.
Hello everyone! Almost a year ago, I came here to talk about my life going upside down. I lost a 'great' girlfriend, someone I thought I could finally trust and allow into my son's life. That did not go well.
Anyway, that time of my life was very difficult but I really got some great perspective from the people on here, so I just wanted to thank you all once again. I feel like I'm in a really good position in my life right now and everything feels awesome. I've put all the pieces together and my son and I are really happy. He's doing great and is healthy.
So, yeah, this was more of a thank you, rather than update, but I really mean it. I was really confused and some of the advice I got on here was instrumental in sorting that mess out. Thanks Reddit. Take care.
P.S.
I'm thinking of getting us a dog. (What do you guys think of Border Collies ?)
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I'm glad to hear you're both doing well! You certainly both deserve it :) Border collies are wonderful dogs, but keep in mind they're very high energy! If you've got your heart set on one, i'd consider trying to meet and greet one first if you can. Facebook is a good place to find local dog groups, reaching out there might help!
Border Collies are amazing - partly because they are truly the most intelligent breed. But they are working dogs and high energy. A Border Collie needs to have a 'job' - either herding, agility or other regular excerises which occupies not only its physical drive but also its mental needs. If you don't give your Border Collie a job it will find it's own occupation - and you might not like its career choice ;)
OP's sister did him a solid by reporting what Natalie was trying to do. But seriously--she's dating him for a year and she's trying to manipulate an innocent toddler into calling her "Mommy" when she just met him two months ago?