'My girlfriend said no when I proposed to her. She didn't choose me.' UPDATED
"My girlfriend said no when I proposed to her. She didn't choose me."
My girlfriend is the love of my life. For reference we are both 23, we have been together for 8 years and we have lived together for 5 years. Last spring we graduated from college. After that my girlfriend wanted to go to the Juilliard School in New York.
I didn't tell her I thought it would be a bad idea to go to Juilliard because the admission process is so insanely competitive and usually only the wealthy get in. We're not.
I never thought she would get in. But she did. She found out in the spring that her audition was successful. She has a partial scholarship to go. She is due to go to New York in 3 weeks.
I don't want her to go. She said that I can come with her but I don't want to live in New York. My family is all here. So are my friends, my entire extended family and my job. My entire life is here and I don't want to live across the country.
I don't think a long distance relationship will work. I asked my girlfriend to stay here and to marry me. I bought a ring and took a month to plan the proposal. She said no when I proposed. We have been debating about her leaving ever since she found out that she got in to Juilliard.
She said I could come to New York with her and find a job there. I work in HR and she said there is lots of work in my field in New York. I have only been at my company for a year. I can't just leave my job.
She said we can get married after she graduates from Juilliard. But when I pressed her she said she doesn't know if she would want to move back here after she graduates. Her parents are her only family and they moved to another state five years ago. She said it depends on where she gets a job and there are no jobs in her field in our town.
I have lived here my whole life and this is my home. I love her so much and I don't want her to go. She could find another field or career. Or we have a college in our town, she could go back to our old college and get a different degree and do something else.
My parents offered to help us save for a down payment. We are compatible and we have a good relationship. We have similar political views, we share a lot of hobbies, we both agree that we don't ever want to have kids, we have other similar life goals. The only difference is that she wants to go to Juilliard and I don't want her to go.
I asked her if she was really choosing Juilliard over marrying me and having a house and a life here. She said yes she was. I'm gutted. I love her and hearing her say that gutted me. That she would rather go to Juilliard than marry me.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I get you’re sad and heartbroken but it’s selfish to want her to cut her dreams and aspirations to do what she wants… just so she can marry you and be a little obedient wife. You can’t serious can you? Do you even love her if YOU’RE not willing to compromise? Sounds like y’all may not be as compatible as you thought. 🤷🏻♂️
OP has been all "ME ME ME". Did you notice how none of the things he's been suggesting are even remotely compromises? It's all about how SHE had to give up her dreams, get a job HERE so HE doesn't have to move, telling her that she should STAY because all HIS friends/family/job is here.. Wow, what a keeper, right?
And honestly, getting into Juilliard is a HUGE accomplishment. If she even got a partial scholarship, she's got talent, and OP knows it. That's why he's so scared to let her go, because if he does, he KNOWS she's not coming back to him and his little security blanket life.
I don't blame her. You're extremely selfish. You only proposed to her to make her give up on her dreams. A lot of manipulative and controlling men follow that same blueprint. Your entire post is about what you want and how you're unwilling to compromise.
What about her? You want her to give up a once in a lifetime opportunity at 23 and change her career, meanwhile you're unwilling to compromise on anything. I hope she goes to New York and forgets all about you.
A year later, the OP returned with an update.
Today it is 1 year and 4 months since she said no to my proposal which effectively ended our relationship. I never felt that kind of pain before in my life. Before this I never understood when people said that heartbreak was real and was a physical pain but now I get it.
I tried dipping my toe into dating because people keep saying there are other fish in the sea and that I'll find someone. But besides the fact that every woman I meet wants kids and I don't, all it does is remind me of the breakup.
I found out she has a boyfriend. She doesn't have social media but I saw a picture on Instagram from one of her old friends. The friend was on a work trip and said in the caption they met up for the first time in years.
The friend posted pictures and there was a guy in some of them. There was hand holding and posing like a couple would. So she's moved on and forgotten all about me. She said no to my proposal even though we were in love. Now she moved away somewhere else and has a new boyfriend and has forgotten all about me. It hurt so much when I saw those pictures.
We were together for 8 years and then suddenly she was gone and there was a hole in my life. I never would have imagined I would go a year and 4 months without no contact. She even said she loved me.
But she said no when I proposed. I still have the ring I was going to give her. She broke my heart like it was nothing. Finding out she has a boyfriend has just brought it all back. I know I should move on but I don't know how to.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Sounds like you were selfish then and you sound selfish now. Therapy bro. You tried to stop her from following her dreams of going to Juilliard so you could live by your parents.
”She broke my heart like it was nothing.” Juilliard is not “nothing”. After all this time, you are still dismissive of her talents and accomplishments. You wanted her to sacrifice a partial scholarship to Juilliard because you didn’t want to leave your home town.
She is an elite performer and got into one of toughest conservatories in the US. All you wanted for her is to be your housewife, live in a little house, and stay near your family.
When you're only proposing to try to emotionally blackmail someone into giving up their dreams, you deserve all the tears that the tiny violins of talented Juilliard musicians aren't bothering to play for you.
What I kept thinking is the OP is saying his ex picked Juilliard over him over and over... He picked staying in his hometown, foregoing a long distance relationship, a one year job in HR, and so on over his ex.
His lack of accountability and agency are stunning. It's one thing if he owned they are incompatible, it's another just blame her when it seemed like he was unwilling to try any compromise. I'm glad she followed her dreams.