'I've just discovered my GF's family is putting me down. Can I ever rebuild the trust?'
"I've just discovered that my (M29)'s girlfriend (F27)'s family is putting me down in front of her (and me). Can I ever rebuild the trust?"
repinator
A bit of background: I'm a 29-year-old man who met my girlfriend, a 27-year-old woman, when we both moved to a new town for work about a year ago. We hit it off right away and have been together ever since. Her family is Portuguese, and from the beginning, I've made efforts to be involved and get to know them, despite the language barrier.
I've met her family several times, and on the surface, they've always been nothing but welcoming and nice to me. However, they have a habit of speaking Portuguese around me, which I initially didn't mind because I understood it was their first language and it made them comfortable.
Wanting to connect with them on a deeper level and surprise my girlfriend, I recently began learning Portuguese.At a recent family dinner, my new language skills unexpectedly revealed a hurtful reality. As I listened, I realized they were talking about me in derogatory terms – calling me "dumb" among other insults – right in front of me, all while smiling and acting friendly.
From what I've gathered, my girlfriend understands what's being said but doesn't seem to join in on the insults. However, she hasn't done anything to stop it either, occasionally trying to hide her reactions or snickers. I feel betrayed and humiliated and am questioning the integrity of our relationship and her loyalty to me.
I'm at a crossroads and unsure how to address this situation. Confronting her family directly seems daunting, especially considering the language barrier and not wanting to cause a rift.
However, I also feel that I can't simply ignore such disrespect, and I'm concerned about what this means for the future of our relationship, especially if we were to have a family of our own.
Should I confront my girlfriend about her family's behavior and express how hurtful it is to me? How can I navigate this situation in a way that respects my relationship with her but also stands up for myself? Any insights, experiences, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
SymblePharon
If she's not standing up for you, she's not much of a partner. It doesn't sound like she's scared of them or anything. You could calmly tell her that you didn't want to spoil it, but you've been learning the language, and you're disappointed at the way she and her family talk about you. But what could she say that would excuse it?
If you want to be petty, you could wait until they insult you at the next dinner and respond in Portuguese thanks for the food and this dumb guy is gonna see himself out and it was nice knowing you all. I just don't understand being this rude and frankly cruel. You sound like a nice person.
The OP responded here:
repinator
I think though even if I tell her I know it does not change how I feel about her because she still did not stand up for me and allowed it to happen without telling me.
topsh077a
You should join in in Portuguese the next time they are roasting you. See how they all react when they find out they understand what they are saying. Also break up with her.
The OP again responded:
repinator
I wish I was brave enough to do that!
WhatHappenedMonday
If she is not standing up to her family to defend you the relationship is over already. Learn to say in Portuguese. "Obrigado por não me defender diante de sua família. Adeus."
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: I've just discovered that my (M29)'s girlfriend (F27)'s family is putting me down in front of her (and me). Can I ever rebuild the trust?"
repinator
Quick Summary: I previously shared how I discovered my girlfriend's family, who is Portuguese, was making racist and derogatory remarks about me in Portuguese, thinking I couldn't understand them. Despite them being outwardly nice, this discovery was deeply hurtful, especially as my girlfriend seemed aware but did nothing to stop it.
Update: This past Sunday, we visited her family again, and not surprisingly, the pattern of rude comments continued. This time, they called me dumb, among other things, and everyone laughed.
I laughed along with them and then asked them to pass the salad in Portuguese. I could see the awareness and embarrassment spreading across the table one by one.
I guess you don't make friends with salad.The dinner that followed was inevitably awkward. No one made a scene, but the atmosphere was tense.On the way home, I told my girlfriend that I wanted to break up. To my surprise, she didn't even ask why, which only confirmed my decision was the right one.
Given that we both moved to this town for work and were living in a company-supplied rental, I reached out to our HR department to explain my situation. They were understanding and agreed to arrange a separate place for me.
In the meantime, I'm staying at a hotel until everything is sorted out. I honestly feel empty about it now, empty inside. It's been a roller coaster and now there's sort of nothing. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow.
UPDATE 2:
I spent today packing my things and she spent it crying. Difficult day for both of us. Thank you for all of the comments and support and messages. I will update in here tomorrow but I need to rest right now it has been very difficult to process.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Expression-Little
That was a pretty baller way to call them out bro.
juliaskig
I have a feeling she's going to come back, and ask for forgiveness. OP will be the one that got away.
the_procrastinata
What a perfect revenge. Calls them out so beautifully without stooping to their nasty level. His girlfriend should be ashamed of herself for allowing it to get so bad.
deeznutsiym
you don’t understand how perfectly you handled this. Yeah, they suck but that doesn’t reflect o. you. Their meanness was not deserved on your part. I’m glad you knew your value enough to end things with your gf. You deserve better :) Just imagine sitting with your family and saying horrible things in another language.. awful!
missyrainbow12
I'm gonna have "You don't make friends with salad" in my head all day now.
You are putting you first and that's a good thing. Won't feel that way for now but it will eventually.