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'My husband's new female friend sent him a text that gave me the ick. Am I being paranoid?' UPDATED

'My husband's new female friend sent him a text that gave me the ick. Am I being paranoid?' UPDATED


"My (F32) husband's (M32) new female friend sent a text that gave me the ick, and I’m questioning her intentions. Am I being silly?"

Here's the original post:

So, I’ll start by saying Im generally quite a secure person and have never felt like I had any issues around this until I read a message sent to my husband yesterday, and I’m kinda spiraling. Sorry this may be long. For some backstory: My husband does downhill biking. Has done since he was very young, knows his stuff, he’s out there every day.

Generally rides with the same group of guys but they mostly stick to weekends, my husband goes out everyday of the week luckily because his job allows him to. If hes out on his own(generally weekdays) and the dogs are free, he’ll take the dogs. They love it. So around 6 months ago he was out in the morning, with the dogs,

and ended up coming home earlier than usual. While he was out he found this girl who fell off and had badly injured her arm/wrist. As you can imagine, hes done the same numerous times, knew exactly what to do and where to go to get seen quicker. He got her to the carpark, packed the dogs and bikes up and took her to the gp who referred her to hospital, and he came home. All good.

Around a week after this one of the guys he rides with sent him a screenshot of a post in a facebook group that was made for people specifically who build and maintain the bike trails. It went something like: Im looking for someone called (insert husbands name here) who helped me last week when I fell and got me to hospital. He drove a (husbands truck) and had 3 dogs (then listed our dogs names).

she had posted in a few groups before being linked to the group for the trail builders, who my husband goes out there with. My husband isnt on social media so he said he could send her his number. She text him to double check she had the right person. He said it was and that he was glad she was feeling better and he was happy to help. She offered him money or to take him for lunch which he declined

and just said again that he was happy to help. They text back and forth every now and then, her initiating and its mostly hey how are you hope your well etc, until she starts getting better and can ride again, it turns to, hey we should hit the trails sometime. Now, without tooting his horn for him, he’s very good. Used to ride competitively when he was younger, same with much of the guys he rides with.

Most people at the park know who they are and generally if they hear them coming, will just get to the side and watch them pass. He tries to decline her offer in a way not to offend her, but theres no way she can keep up with them. Theres a section thats just big jumps to practice on, he says maybe next time hes on those he’ll give her a shout and they can meetup there.

Eventually that happens and he gives her a few tips. Which then turns into her texting him more often about biking, asking for him to "tuitor" her and just general stuff. This goes on for the next couple months, there seems to be a friendship starting. Ive never once had any concerns about this and was quite happy for him to continue, and they do.

So yesterday (Monday) he went out with the dogs, and to bumped into her. Said they spoke for awhile and went a cycle with the dogs to wind down before he came home. She started texting him when he got home and I can see these messages coming through the ipad as I was using it.

To be clear, hes not hiding the texts, he openly leaves his phone lying around, no passcode. Lets our daughter play on it. Happy for me to use it. Doesnt get weird or secretive about it in the slightest. He knows the ipad and laptop are linked to his phone and it can all be seen by anyone using them. He has never gave me cause for concern. It's her intentions I’m not too sure on at this point.

So anyway. The dogs. We have 3 working gun dogs used in the fields regularly, and while they can look like they’re running riot down these trails, they are extremely well trained and tuned in to whatever my husband is doing. Which becomes more apparent when hes not on the trails, and theyre following watching his every move.

These texts started on about the dogs for a bit when she sent a text which ended in the following: "Like a slave looking to please their master 😏" Admittedly, I don't care for emoji’s and the texting garb people use nowadays. I dont even know what the 😏 face means frankly. But something about this made me feel icky, and I feel like theres an undertone going on here.

He replied, but seemed to ignore that last comment. However this caused me to think/look back on her communication, and feel like Ive noticed a few red flags.

1.) She ALWAYS initiates. 2.) If she doesnt get a reply, she seem’s to keep sending messages until he replies.

3.) Not once has she EVER referenced or acknowledged the fact that hes married or has a family. Even when he mentioned that hes been away for my birthday, or that hes going to our daughters dancing show. She’ll change the subject as if shes pretending we dont exist, or to close down any mention of us. 4.) She often makes excuses for them to meet up. 1 on 1.

Im sure theres more, but I dont want to scour through every message and feed into this more than I already have incase its nothing, but am I crazy for thinking there may be something going on with her? I dont want to bring it up incase it is nothing and I look like Im being paranoid. It just isnt sitting right. I’m also pregnant, and the hormones are doing their thing.

Should I say something? Or leave it and monitor this more closely for a bit? Or is this the effect of a 30-something pregnant mum whose husband seems to be aging like a fine wine, and any female he meets doing what he loves, being in amazing shape due to the hobby?

Do you think something shady is going on here? What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

UsuallyWrite2 said:

I am kind of like your husband. I do a lot of helping people—in a different vein though. And there are a lot of rather lonely and awkward people out there who just keep messaging once they have my contact info—men and women. I think you’ve handled this with grace.

But I think it’s totally reasonable for you to have a convo with hubby and just say “dude, she’s pretty pushy and you’re not doing anything wrong but I’d appreciate it if you’d shut her down and just tell her that you’re not in a position to be a coach and your ride time is focused so you can’t help her.” She sounds a little star struck and needy but he’s not doing anything wrong here so I wouldn’t make it a big hairy deal.

explodingwhale17 said:

It sounds like your husband is uninterested in her and she is pushing boundaries. Tell your husband you feel uncomfortable. He may welcome a chance to strategize how to push her away more clearly.

It would probably help if he told her he was busy with his wife and children and not interested in connecting although he's sure she'll find a group to bike with. He could block her if he feels he needs to. He sounds like a great guy. Congrats on the coming baby!

EquivalentLopsided33 said:

I personally think your husband needs to put a stop to her. She clearly has bad intentions. While he is doing great at not reaching out first, mentioning the family, etc., he also is not shutting it down. Probably just being nice but she is not being nice.

And Smooth_Ad4859 said:

God she is like one those slimy creatures you bring to your spaceship and it continues to expand untill covers every corner. Tell your husband girl's intentions are too obvious to see. I am sure your husband is also aware but probably does not know how to stop her politely. Show him these comments and tell him to cut her off.

A day after her original post, she shared this update:

So, my last post got a lot more responses than I thought it would get. I wasnt going to post an update, but feel like I owe it to all the people telling me to trust my gut. For those asking why my husband hadnt been more abrupt with her, in a nutshell, he always tries to keep the peace. I downplayed how well known he is in our town.

He comes from a well known family in our area, and was a downhill rider in the UCI, and features in various youtube channels. People come here specifically for the bike trails, and typically where ever he goes, theres usually a handful of people who recognise him and want to say hello.

Its not a huge town, everyone knows everyone kinda place, and, like anyone, he would never want people to come away from any interaction with him with a sour taste in their mouth.

After our daughter was in bed I spoke with my husband, told him my thoughts, and he agreed she was being inappropriate, and that he in no way done or said anything that would indicate he was alright with it. He hoped by ignoring it she would get the hint and leave him be. He didnt want to make things awkward or embarrass anyone and admitted he probably should have said something.

So after reading everyones comments, there were loads of amazing ways people suggested shutting her down, which in hindsight, would have been an amazing way to stop her in her tracks.

However he didnt want to ruffle feathers so we went with the - we’re starting to get ready for the baby and have lots to do/ prepare and simply dont have the time or energy to be spent on the bikes, or meetups and he will be unavailable to her for the forseeable, suggestions.

He typed it up, handed it to me for my approval, and I hit send. MINUTES later his phone pings, I’m in the kitchen, hes in the living room, and I see his eyebrows raise and he just looks at me. I go over and he just hands me the phone. The neck on this girl astounds me. She replied: "OK. Do you think we could meet up quickly tomorrow?"

My heart sank. And I knew exactly what that meant. I burst into tears. In my head this was the start of my world crumbling. My husband tried calming me down and asked me what I’d like him to do, block her there and then, or ask what she wants to see him for. I wish I just told him to block her, but for some reason I wanted to know more. He replied asking what meeting up would achieve.

She just says theres stuff she would like to talk to him about face to face. I felt like I was literally being punched in the chest and being winded at this point. He eventually gets the point across that he is not going to meet with her and drags it out of her.

She tells him that at somepoint feelings started, that turned into fantasies, and that basically he could do whatever he wanted to her. That I didnt need to know about it and she would be happy to keep it that way. As she put it "our thing" It was more graphic than I’m willing to type.

I felt like I was still keeping a level head on it until this point I lashed out Got very, very angry. Started crying uncontrollably. My body was vibrating with anger. Ive barely slept. Woke up crying. Felt like absolute sh!t all day today.

Ive already got intouch with our friends who run these facebook groups she joined and asked them to remove her and make sure she doesnt join again. My husband replied last night and told me its sorted and I dont have to worry about her. I didnt see the text he sent but its there on the ipad, but I cant bring myself to even open the imessage app after seeing what I saw.

Its not fair that someone thinks they can just do something like that regardless of how its going to impact an entire family. Currently, I dont want him leaving the house. I dont want him to ever go back to the trails. I dont want the dogs even going up there. The fact she has even touched my dogs makes me sick.

So there we are. I still feel like my lifes slipping away from me. Like someones trying to steal it. My confidence is shattered. My eyes sting. My head hurts from crying. Dont feel like eating. Dont think I’ve ever felt as low as I do just now. Husbands trying his best to comfort me, but it will take awhile I guess. He feels very guilty, despite me telling him he’s done nothing wrong.

I cant believe how quickly my life just changed with a stupid text. So, Thank you to everyone telling me to believe my gut. And everyone else who took the time to comment.

Edit: I just want to add, I’m not controlling my husband. Im not holding him hostage. He had to take them out today. The bike park is almost in our back garden. Im describing how I FEEL just now.

Like its a personal attack on me and my family. And I know this happens all over the world. My eyes were never open to it. This mans baby is about to burst out of my body. I dont feel attractive in any sense of the word right now. I feel I’m well within my rights to be a little distraught after seeing a text from a much younger, much fitter girl describing in graphic detail the things she wants my husband to do to her.

Sources: Reddit
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