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'My wife wants to name our baby after her ex-BF who died. I said no, AITA?' UPDATED

'My wife wants to name our baby after her ex-BF who died. I said no, AITA?' UPDATED


"My [34M] wife [28F] wants to name our baby after her dead ex-boyfriend"

Here's the original post:

When my wife and I met, she had broken up with her boyfriend almost a year prior. We went on a couple of dates until I noticed she slowly stopped talking to me. I found out she had gotten back with her boyfriend. We remained friendly since we would run into each other at the gym (that's how we met).

A year later, they break up. I decided to go for it again and asked her out. She was pretty upfront about him and I learned that they have been off-and-on for almost four years. She left him because he started to get abusive. We get married a little over a year later. A few months later, she gets pregnant.

Last week, I was sitting in the kitchen studying until I heard my wife yell out, crying. I ran over to her to ask her what was wrong. She had difficulty speaking, but, she eventually showed me a post on facebook that a mutual friend between her and her ex had posted. Her ex had gotten into a motorcycle accident and had died.

My wife was/is an avid motorcyclist who stopped riding once she got pregnant. She knew how passionate he was about motorcycle riding just as much as her and how tragic it is. I console my wife and help her get to bed, letting her know that I'm here for her.

I didn't think much about the whole thing until my wife told me last night that she wants to name our baby after him. I hesitated for a bit and told her that I feel uncomfortable with it. For one, it's her ex. Second, he was abusive. Why would she want to honor someone like that?

My wife got pretty upset and just wouldn't hear me out on my reasons. She won't talk to me at all. Am I really in the wrong here? I'm just thinking that my wife is extremely emotional at the moment since she's pregnant and trying to process he ex's death. Any advice?

TLDR: My wife's abusive ex-boyfriend died and she wants to name our baby after him. I don't. Now, she's mad at me.

Do you think he's being unreasonable?! This is what top commenters had to say:

34MapleLeafs said:

Just think about how every time you said your kids name you would think about the ex and how your kid would feel knowing he was named after his mom's ex boyfriend...

FroggyMcnasty said:

Okay I'll be the AH here. Is the kid yours? She's left you for him before, you got married really quickly, and she got pregnant shortly after. It doesn't exactly sound like she was over him given her response and wanting to name the kid after him.

On the not AH side: You are absolutely correct in not wanting to have your child named after her ex, that's an incredibly disturbing thing to have to explain, which shouldn't even be an issue in the first place. I really hope she's just being in a heightened emotional state because that is very disrespectful to you and the marriage.

SnailCrossing said:

She’s pregnant and grieving. She’s not going to be the most rational right now. Say no. Be compassionate, but stand your ground on this one. You don’t want your kid to have a name you’ll resent. Chances are, she won’t either, years down the line. All the best.

And [deleted] said:

Uhh this is messed. Sounds like she needs therapy to help her with the grief. You two should probably go to couples counseling too.

A few days after his original post, he shared this fairly hopeful update:

Now, onto the update. For Easter, we already had plans with her family to go to church and then have a BBQ at her sister’s. Not wanting her family to see any tension, I saw this as a chance for her to HAVE to speak to me. As we’re getting ready for church, I tell her that we need to talk about everything now. She agreed and sat down with me.

I did tell her that there is absolutely no way we’re naming our baby after her ex (or, any of our kids, if we have even more). She agreed and apologized for acting irrational.

Also, I know a lot of you suggested that I get a paternity test. I know that I’m 100% the father. I didn’t want anyone to get my anxiety up since, while it may seem rational, jumping into an extreme conclusion and making things worse. I thought it out, but, I still did ask if she was still in love with her ex and is she did cheat. She adamantly said no.

She had already stopped loving him, even before they broke up. She tried to make the relationship work, but, she just wasn’t in love with him anymore. She described him as not being a good person at all. She apologized for making me feel that way.

I told her that I understand she’s going through a lot of emotions right now and being pregnant doesn’t help at all. But, I had to ask on why she would want to name our baby after him, even after all she has told me. She started to get choked up and was shaking. I told her that she could tell me.

She confessed that when her and her ex broke up, the last thing she told him was that she wished he would fall off his bike and die. Also, the bike that he died riding on was a bike that she strongly suggested that he buy, even though it wasn’t his first choice.

She also talked about how accidentally getting pregnant and her ex suddenly dying is a lot for her to handle. She wasn’t expecting to be a mom so soon and her life is about to change when she really didn’t want it too. She talked about how she thought we’d travel and that she’d continue racing her motorcycle.

Now, she’s not even sure if she’d be able to ride again. She actually thought she might be able to ride again once she had the baby, but, her ex’s death reminded her how much of a risk it is. She doesn’t want to risk her life when she has a family. She feels gutted.

Regardless, she kept stressing out to me on how she wouldn’t change a thing about her life now and that she’s happy to be married to me and is going to be a mom. We’re the best things that has ever happened to her. Anxiety also runs in my wife’s family. My wife gets intrusive thoughts about how her ex died too. It’s so bad that she has a hard time sleeping sometimes.

After discussing things, she decided that she’ll be going into therapy. She has her first appointment this week.

TLDR: Wife feels guilty about ex’s death after persuading him to buy the motorcycle that he died on and telling him she wished that he’d fall off his bike and die. She keeps thinking about how he died. Wife also said that she’s happy to be married and is going to be a mom, but, there’s a lot going on and it’s a lot. She’s sad that she probably can’t ride motorcycles anymore. Wife will go into therapy this week.

If every post ended with someone going to therapy, what a wonderful world it would be!

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