'My partner turns into Mr. Hyde whenever he's hungry.' ONE YEAR UPDATE
"My partner turns into Mr. Hyde whenever he's hungry."
My partner has a big attitude problem whenever he's uncomfortable, like if he's hungry or in pain, he'll become surly, prickly, and a little harsh with his words.
I've met hangry people, but he's the poster child for it.
We've started dating recently, and we've come to an agreement that he'll always eat before meeting me, but when it comes to pain there's not a lot you can do to avoid it if it comes. Anyone ever face a similar problem? How do/did you handle you partner's change in personality when he's altered?!
He is on the spectrum as many of you pointed out as being a possibility, I didn't mention it before bc I never knew this could be related to that. He is aware of his hanger issues, but I don't think he's ever taken them too seriously until I pointed out I don't like how argumentative and irritable he gets when he's hungry, he's careful to always eat something before being with me now.
He's not awful, at least not for now, he just gets very crabby once in a while, but he has always made the effort to listen and adapt to me every time I've brought something up (and obvi I do the same), so because of this I don't think it's a complete lost cause.
But I will keep my eye out for everything mentioned in the comments. We talk everything out, and we talked about this this morning too, he didn't realize he was being argumentative in our last conversation, but he apologises and says he's going to pay more attention to how he's feeling and asks me to be patient and to work with him while he works on himself.
Which is fair. I ask for the same grace.
Thanks again for everyone's input, love to hear so many different perspectives!
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It's his job to regulate it, not yours to tolerate.
The early days of dating are supposed to be the honeymoon period when you’re on your best behaviour. You just started dating recently and he’s already being surly, prickly, and harsh just because he’s hungry?
And he needs to be reminded to eat before he sees you so he’s not awful to be around? Ask yourself if you think you could tolerate being married to someone like that, when you’d be forced to be around him during all sorts of uncomfortable situations.
Read what you wrote. You’re dating someone who has to be reminded to eat before seeing you.
As you get older, being uncomfortable and in pain becomes part of every day existing. Imagine what he's going to be like then. Imagine having to support him if he gets a serious long term illness. Imagine being with him if he gets a chronic pain condition or is in an accident and loses a limb.
Now imagine you going through something like that and needing his support, but your illness makes him uncomfortable...This guy might be great when he is up, but that's useless if he's impossible when he's down, because life is guaranteed to have lots of downs.
This is the answer OP. The real problem isn't being hangry it's that he has no resilience. Life can be hard even if you're pretty lucky. If he thinks being a little hungry, and I assume you don't even mean actual real hunger, is hard to handle? My concern would be he isn't tough enough to weather life well. He's not adaptable.
A year later, the OP returned with an update.
So, no surprise here: He turned out to be a real monster. It's true that he seemed to listen and try to adapt (sorta) in the beginning, but that soon went away and all that was left was hostility, contempt, and emotional toxicity.
With him, conflict was never about solving a problem, it became about blame, winning, or reframing himself as the victim. If I expressed hurt, he escalated; if I tried to clarify, he twisted my words; if I needed reassurance, he acted as if I was wrong for needing it because there's nothing in the way he acts or talks that would indicate we weren't good; etc.
He became increasingly dismissive and impatient with normal human flaws, I started shrinking parts of myself to avoid triggering his reactions. I walked on eggshells, I over explained, with him I second-guessed my tone, my timing, even my facial expressions... Warmth and affection became conditional, something I had to earn.
At a certain point he started saying I embarrassed him by how I acted in public, or in private he'd say that I was too much. My saving grace was being over 30, because I know myself enough to not think those were valid complaints, any time he'd say things like that my first thought was "he must be angry and trying to hurt me," instead of outright taking his words and truth about who i am as a person.
The most confusing part was that he wasn’t always cruel. There were calm periods, affection, and moments of care. That inconsistency kept me hopeful for the future, and made me forgive the rest of his behaviour as flukes.
The escalation of it all was so subtle to me, but by the end, I felt emotionally exhausted, hyper vigilant, and unsure of myself in ways I had never experienced before. I lost my appetite, I was losing hair, I couldn't sleep, I had trouble engaging with other people.
I was losing contact with my friends because they didn't like him and because if I spent too much time with them he'd then become sullen and either stonewall or punish with words.
I never thought I'd ever find myself (especially nowadays) in a toxic relationship of any kind, I always thought I'd be able to clock it and leave it immediately, I never felt like I couldn't leave, I was literally choosing him and staying with him over and over.
Sometimes I'd have moments of clarity where I'd make up my mind to end it, but then he'd act all sweet and kind and I'd melt and choose to stay AGAIN. I now understand that anger issues shouldn't be ignored no matter how they first show up.
Right now I’m healing, but word to the wise: if over 70 people comment on your post telling you something is not ok, it's probably a good idea to listen. If you've been through something like this or similar, how do you deal with the disappointment in yourself? I'm still cringing at how much I let slide/ignored while so many people around me could see what was happening so clearly....
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I worry the mods will delete this because it's not asking a question but seeing an update like this maybe will help others who come to this sub like you did a year (or so) ago. I'm glad you at least got out and hope you find peace (and protect it). Signed - Been there myself.
First of all I am glad you left. Second of all I am glad the advice you got on your last post was like a beacon. It's really easy to stay in an toxic relationship. A lot of this is to do with our socialization as women. Him being autistic must have made things harder. I see a lot of cruel behaviour explained away with neurodivergence.
I was in an toxic friendship. She was my best friend for decades. One thing I learnt after ending it was; focus on the impact of someone's behaviour. Not what you their intentions might be. Focus on the impact. Focus on your intuition. Focus on the pattern.
Without this, many of us invalidate our experiences and feelings . We tell ourselves no they are a good person. Also I have found it helpful to read literature on intimate partner violence. why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a good resource. It's free to download online.
Glad she got out. The cycling between toxic and love bombing is something I wish more people paid attention to. The internet knew!
"How do you deal with the disappointment in yourself."
You didn’t do anything wrong. It is not your fault. When you’re in a toxic relationship, the toxic person gaslights you into doubting yourself.
He fills your head with his thoughts. He confuses you. So yes it is easy to see from the outside but it’s really hard when you’re in it - because he wants it that way. Your job now is to build your trust in yourself again.
Oh I sadly 100% can relate to this, my friends warned me too and strangers warned me. Emotional toxicity is hard to recognize and understand especially at first. I’m still healing and being patient with my self. But one good thing it thought me is to never doubt my self again and trust my gut!!!
For what it’s worth…It took me a year after my first post to finally break up with my ex, and then another year after they for no contact to occur after a bad argument (we weren’t “together” but were not dating anyone else and I was waiting for him to get professional help).
Sometimes learning to spot toxicity is a long lesson that happens over time. It took me years to see it quickly in different kinds of men and different situations. It isn’t easy, but it get easier and quicker to spot. Don’t be hard on yourself. Just make sure to stay away from him and stay vigilant and skeptical of every man, no matter what.
Reading this reminded me of my last relationship (which was last year) and I am almost 42. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I am doing so much better now as a result of that terrible relationship. Sometimes you just need to be hit over the head with something before you can see it. But once you do, you’ll never unsee it.