My (24F) husband (31M) and I have three children, our sons look exactly like him (dark skin and dark eyes and hair) but our daughter doesn't.
She looks exactly like my great grandparents (really pale, blonde and green eyed), but apparently he didn't think it was possible that our daughter could look like my great grandparents, and from the moment he saw her he told me he wanted a paternity test.
At first I refused because I felt it was humiliating and because I didn't think it was necessary because I never cheated on him and I hoped he would trust me but he didn't and for the first two months of our daughter's life he made my life hell.
He didn't want to hold her even if she cried desperately while I was doing something else, he never woke up at night to help me with her, he never helped me with anything and that hurt me so much because with our boys he was completely different.
He helped me all the time with absolutely everything and he was always there for me after giving birth, but this time he left me alone and it was the worst experience of my life. I have no family here and his entire family from the moment they saw my daughter turned their backs on me, I don't have any friends here either so it was just my daughter and me.
She is a colicky baby so it was very difficult for me to do everything alone and on top of that help with our sons.
I decided to do the paternity test because one day his entire family came to our house to celebrate my son's birthday and no one spoke to me and they didn't want to include my daughter in the photos that my in laws took of all the grandchildren.
So I knew it was stupid to keep waiting for them to come to their senses.
Well, the paternity test came back positive and everyone was shocked and of course they felt guilty for not having believed in me. Everyone apologized and my husband even cried when he held our daughter in his arms for the first time and I know that his apologies were genuine and that's why I forgave him but I don't know if I can forgive his family.
They treated me really badly and said horrible things about me just a few days after giving birth and I can't forget their insults or violence.
My husband knows that I don't want to see his family nor do I want them near any of our children and he told his family, so these last three months it has been just the five of us, but it doesn't feel as good as I expected.
My husband is constantly apologizing and crying every time he holds our daughter and I am getting tired of this situation. I want us to be happy as we were before. So how can we move on? My husband suggested that we should start couples therapy, how much can therapy help?
Excuse me, "insults or VIOLENCE"???? Insults are bad enough but wtf. There is no going back.
What violence happened?
his sister pulled my hair during a fight (a one sided fight btw because I never responded to her insults) and his mother also did it on another occasion. I'm planning to go visit my family in a few months.
Your husband is a cruel person. Could you really move on from that? I know I couldn't.
Have you ever broken a piece of pottery and then tried to glue it back together? It’s never the same.
Just the way he treated your daughter would be hard to get over. Even if he thought she wasn't his, that wouldn't have been her fault. Cruelty to a child is pretty inexcusable. How old were you when you got together?
Asking because you must've started very young to have 3 kids by 24. Given his maturity level, I guess it would make sense that he went for someone much younger.
I was 18 [when we got together]
I would've stapled the paternity test and divorce papers together. I'm so sorry this happened to you but I'd not forgive any of them. If anything your husband is the worst of the bunch. He's your husband and he dropped the ball massively. Not only that, but he then gave his family that ball to throw at you and your daughter. It's a no from me.
It's weird you are forgiving him and not them for the same behavior. His was far worse because as your husband he should have your back and trust you. His family doesn't owe you nearly the loyalty your husband does. They all suck but him worst of all.
He got you pregnant three times before the age of twenty-four? And you're isolated with no friends or family?
He knows you didn't cheat. This is about control over you and you're allowing him to fake cry his way into taking no responsibility.
Are you going to submit or stick up for yourself?
Get on birth control too, and stop letting him get you pregnant for God's sake.
You can never go back.
I think before the update I should clarify a few things to put you in context, I know I should have said it in my original post but I didn't, and that made many people believe so many things that are not true.
Before I got pregnant I met a man (I think he's in his early fifties) at work and you could say that he's a little too friendly.
For example he liked to buy me and another female coworker (she's in her late fifties) coffee every morning, or once in a while he used to leave a flower on our desks and things like that.
That never seemed strange to me because he never tried anything with any of us, he was always just friendly, and he was always talking about his wife, children and grandchildren and giving us parenting advice.
Well, my husband didn't like that I was friends with this man because he said that he was sure that this man liked me because I'm young and that he would soon try something with me.
And when he told me that I told him that I wouldn't stop being friends with him because he was always respectful and I didn't see anything wrong with being friends with a man. And I'm not gonna lie, he got really angry, but after a few days he forgot about it.
But all those doubts resurfaced when our daughter was born, because she had a lot of platinum blonde hair, which none of our other children (5M, 4M) had.
And my husband thought she would look like her brothers, but no, she looked completely different from him and me and that made him doubt.
My coworker is not blonde but he has the same eye color as our daughter and he's very pale just like her.
So my husband asked me for a paternity test and I refused because it was humiliating and because I thought that at least he would educate himself about basic biology.
But he didn't, and when I say this I mean that my great grandparents look exactly like my daughter, same color hair, eyes and skin, and he always knew that but decided to ignore it to believe that I was cheating on him.
And I know that I helped this situation escalate and end badly because I should have accepted the paternity test, and I say that because here it is not easy to do a paternity test without authorization from both parents.
And regarding his sister and mother, they never liked me and for a while we even stopped having contact with his family because I didn't like the way they treated me.
But when our second son was born I felt alone because it was just my husband, his friends, our son and I and I wanted my children to grow up with a family so we got back in touch with them and in fact they treated me very well until my daughter was born.
And when they pulled my hair my husband wasn't present and I didn't tell him until a few weeks later, and by then they had a big fight because of that. I swear that he was never violent nor did he ever endorse anyone being violent with me.
Well, the update is that I gave him an ultimatum and told him that I want to go live in my home country and be close to my family and that if he didn't want that then the only option would be getting divorced.
When I told him that, I also told him that I'm talking to a lawyer to advise me on divorce and joint custody, and I guess that made him realize that I was being serious because he said he would be willing to do that to earn my forgiveness.
Another thing I asked him is to cut off contact with his family forever because I don't want our children to suffer what I suffered with them, and he agreed.
At the moment our plan is to travel for Christmas and stay there for a few weeks and move in the middle of next year. In the meantime we will go to couples and individual therapy and hope to be able to solve our problems. So far things are going well and I hope they continue that way.
EDIT: I don't understand why there are so many people accusing me of being a terrible wife and not supporting my husband when he told me to stop talking to my coworker.
I've supported him since we started dating, I moved to a different country as a teenager, I left behind my family, friends and everything I ever knew, all for him.
I didn't go to college until last year because he was doing his PhD and I had to stay home with the kids full time, which is why I could never have a single friend here, because since I arrived here my only duty was to be a mother and housewife, and that consumed all my time.
I got my first job when I was 23 and it was only because the kids were old enough to go to kindergarten, so don't say I don't support him because that's the only thing I've been doing since we started dating.
This was the first time I had "friends" here, even though they were both over fifty, and it felt good because there were days where I felt so alone and talking to them at work made me feel good.
But for him that was wrong and when my daughter was born I quit my job that I liked so much, just so that he would stop feeling insecure, so don't jump to conclusions or say stupid things.
If your kid is under four there's a strong chance their color will darken with age. My kids are born blonde/red with blue eyes but as they got older it turned brown and their eyes hazel. Runs in my family might run in yours.
Jesus Christ. The Edit is chilling - you were completely isolated and locked at home since you were a teen! Not being allowed to have friends or a job.
This relationship is toxic. I'm glad you are going back to your own country, maybe your situation will improve. But your husband won't stop being controlling or attempting to isolate you - he just may have a harder time isolating you when you are there.
But it will still be possible tho, if he terrorizes you enough with his jealousy.
I really hope the move happens, but I am a bit skeptical since it would mean he is giving a lot of his power over you. Abusive men don't like that - unexpected difficulties may pile up, making it so that you two "have to" postpone the move endlessly.
But I hope not, I hope you manage it! I hope you manage to get friends when you do, and can actually take a step back and see how messed up your relationship has been all those years, and that he convinced you - the victim of abuse - that his abuse is your fault.
No one mentioning how the husband was worried the coworker would try something with OP when she's young and he would "try something on her" and meanwhile husband was 25 trying to be with an 18 year old ....
It isn’t so much the requesting a DNA test - it’s the way he mistreated, shunned and didn’t support your or the baby, and shared his doubts and allowed extended family to do the same - that’s the bigger issue.
Sorry, but even if he was concerned it wasn’t genetically his child, it’s disgusting how cold he was to his daughter. he chose to stay despite making assumptions you cheated, then He took that out on a poor innocent baby, that is literally his.
The fact that he wouldn’t even touch this infant for two months until proving it was his, despite him choosing to stay with you, is something that I would probably never forget for any amount of therapy or hypnosis.