'AITA for laughing at my husband when we got the paternity test results?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for laughing at my husband when we got the paternity test results?"
Either_Economy_793
I (27f) have been married my husband(28M) for 2 years and gave birth to our daughter 5 weeks ago. I'll try to keep this short so I don't waste your time with any irrelevant details. What happened was that our daughter came out with blonde hair and pale blue eyes, while my husband and I have brown hair and brown eyes.
My husband freaked out at this and refused to listen to my explanation that, sometimes, babies are born with lighter hair and eyes that get darker over time. He demanded a paternity test and threatened to divorce me if I didn't comply, so I did.
After my daughter and I got home from the hospital, my husband went to stay at his parents' house for the first three weeks to get some space from me, while I recovered and he told them what was happening.
My MIL called and informed me that if the paternity test revealed that the child wasn't his, she would do anything within her power to make sure that I was " taken to the cleaners" during the divorce. I had my sister to lean on and help me take care of the baby during this.
We got the results back yesterday, and my husband came home to view them with me. I was on the couch in the living room, so he sat next to me and we started to read the results. They showed that he was the father and my husband had this shocked, kinda mortified look on his face with his eyes wide as he stared at it.
I couldn't help but say, " I told you so." and started laughing at the way he looked. My husband snapped out of his shock, and got mad at me for laughing at him. We argued for a bit, which was mainly him yelling at me, before my sister came downstairs and my husband shut up.
After that, my husband went back to his parents' house to "clear his head", and two-three hours later, my MIL called to scold me about laughing in my husband's face, because apparently it was kicking him while he was down. She's also left a couple nasty texts essentially saying the same thing this morning. I don't think I'm an AH, but I'd like outsider perspective on this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Ok-Explanation-1223
So “he was down“ by finding out that he was mistaken and you didn’t actually get pregnant with someone else’s child? Tough luck fella! He owes you a massive apology. Or three. Sorry about your husband and in-laws.
meowmeowmeow85
The fact he didn't grovel and apologize profusely but instead yelled at her because he's a moron is just too much.
BethanyBluebird
Excuse me, but what in the KENTUCKY FRIED AUDACITY? This motherfucker accused you of cheating, then has the GALL to be offended when you slap him with a big, fat 'I told you so'??
Honey. I don't think this is a salvageable relationship. My partner, no matter what our baby looked like, would NEVER demand I take a paternity test- because that would mean he doesn't trust me enough not to have cheated, and that would mean the relationship is over.
doshka
The fact he didn't take 2 minutes to google "can babies be born with light hair and eyes that turn brown later" instead of running off to mommy for three fucking weeks is a bit much, too.
danamo219
He doesn’t want the baby. He was hoping to get out of this entirely by finding he wasn’t the parent, and now he’s pissed off that his little plot didn’t work. You see how he found the news out and STILL fucked off to his mommy’s house? That’s still his baby home alone with it’s mother, and he’s not there because he doesn’t want to be. Simple as that.
SpringfieldMO_Daddy
NTA - I am curious though why you would stay with someone who is that clueless about genetics and who has a clearly toxic mother?
The OP responded here:
Either_Economy_793
I did not realize he would refuse to listen to basic facts about biology when I married him.
Quick-Store2989
Nta. But I would tell him he needs to stay at his parents until you clear your thoughts of wanting to stay married to a man who would abandon you after birth , and ALLOW his mommy to call and speak to you like a w#0r3.
This seemed like it would be the end of the story, but two months later OP returned with an update:
I'll start this post off by saying thank you for all the advice and support I was given. You all given me the firm kick in the rear to divorce my ex. Also sorry for leaving you in the lurch for the past two months.
Alright, here's the update: After making my post, I decided to search for divorce lawyers in my area with my sister. It took awhile, but I managed to find and meet with one who was willing to do virtual consultations.
During this, my ex was not contacting me at all, but I did reach out to see if he was okay. Eventually, once he actually got served, my ex came back to our house and tried pleading with me not to go through with the divorce. He said he loved me more than anyone, and that we could go to couples therapy.
During this, my ex slipped up and admitted to cheating on me when he first left me. He said that he got caught up with his coworker when trying to explain his weeks-long absence.
At first, I didn't realize who he was talking about because he referred to her by a nickname ( Think "Viv" over "Vivian") but my brain kicked back into gear, and asked if that "getting caught up with her" was code for that he had relations with her.
My ex stumbled over his words, and tried to dodge the question but he seemed to realize that I wasn't going to let up on this pretty quickly. He admitted to going to her for emotional support before our baby was born since he was nervous about being a dad, and eventually being intimate with her during the time he left, so you guys were right about him cheating.
I had heard enough at that point, and told my ex point blank we were going to divorce, no ifs, ands, or buts about it and that I wanted 50-50 custody. We'd only speaking about the divorce, custody arrangements, and our daughter herself after this.
My ex just nodded to what I was saying, and asked if he could see our daughter. I was a bit hesitant, but said yes, and called my sister to have her bring our daughter down to the living room.
My ex held our daughter, and talked to the baby for a bit before leaving. My sister asked me if I was alright after he was gone, and I told her I was okay. My MIL did try to harass me over the phone about me divorcing my ex, but by then, I had already blocked her so she went to my sister instead.
I guess my MIL was never told that I own the house my ex and I previously shared since she texted my sister, saying that I was going to be on the streets. Well, my MIL most certainly knows that now, since my ex is now living with her and moved out.
My ex has seen our daughter a few times, those visits were awkward to say the least, but I managed. Hopefully, I won't have to give you guys anymore updates about this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's unexpected update:
no_thanks_9802
So he wrongly accused you of cheating, then turns around and cheats on you. Thank goodness you're divorcing him and leaving him and his mother behind. Best of luck to you and your daughter!
west-bestern
9 times out of 10, the person who is making the accusation is the one who's actually cheating. Funny how cheaters HATE being cheated on themselves.
SpaceCommuter
I don't think 50-50 custody is the right thing here. He has no parental instincts for his child at all, even denying he was the father. Up to this point, it sounds like he hasn't even fed her of changed a diaper.
You shouldn't turn her over to him half the time. He'll probably just hand her off to the MIL to raise. You should be going for full custody based on him abandoning you and your daughter after the birth, as well as refusing to believe he was the father. He should pay child support and not corrupt his daughter further.
throwaway1975764
Its rare to get full custody off the bat [at least in the US] but yes, OP you should get primary custody. 50/50 is not actually usually granted the first 6-12 months of a baby's life regardless, but even beyond, this is a man who abandoned you and the baby during your most vulnerable time.
Even once he got the results, he didn't jump up to embrace his child, no, he left again. That's not a viable parenting strategy; parents need to tough it out in front of their kid, they don't get to just walk away for hours, days, weeks. You stuck it out, he keeps walking away.
Bonnm42
I would put a condition on your custody agreement that your ex MIL is not allowed anywhere near your child. If she was so willing to talk so badly about you before she had the facts, imagine what she will say to your child.
The OP again responded with an update:
Sea-Goat2066
It’s over, officially over. We got a divorce and I would like to say how incredibly grateful I am for everything. The divorce and custody was a huge pain but we got through it. I so desperately wanted everything to work out for the best but there was too much damage and wreckage. Lots of stress and fighting.
I will do whatever I can as a father to protect and raise my baby. Thank you everyone who has been with me throughout this journey and I’m grateful to say, I’m in a happier place.