My husband & I got married 3 years ago. When I was a teenager I was told that due to medical complications I may never be able to have children but after two years of trying and fertility treatments I’m now halfway through my pregnancy with our miracle baby.
Unfortunately because of some complications I had to cut back on my hours at work (it’s very physical). My husband offered to pick up more hours to compensate, so he has been working a lot more in the past 2 months and coming home later.
I couldn’t see that anything was amiss. Things were the same as they’ve always been. He always brings home flowers, food, things for the baby, coffee, he’s always sending me thoughtful and loving texts through the day.
The gaps where he was unreachable were explainable.
But this morning he sat me down and gave me news that rocked me. He told me he’s been having an affair for the past six weeks and that his affair partner just found out that she’s pregnant.
He says that if she decides to keep the baby she’s going to raise it by herself and that they mutually agreed to end the relationship already. He wants to make things right.
I don’t know how things can ever be right again. He just wants to move on from what he is calling his “transgression.”
How do I ever forgive him? How do you deal with the unthinkable? How do I learn to live with the idea that my child’s sibling might be out there somewhere someday? Most importantly, how do I learn to move on like he wants me to?
Edit: I have an OB appointment for unrelated medical reasons tomorrow at which I will make sure to request extensive testing. I have plans to meet with a lawyer on Monday.
I’m talking to my sister to see if I can stay with her; my relationships with much of my family are fractious but I have a pretty positive relationship with her.
I will not be seeking “other options” other than having my baby due to being pretty far along and having been told in the past I would not conceive. Regardless of what my husband has done I love my child.
Edit2: I saw my OB on Friday and will hopefully have some test results (fingers crossed for all negative!) within the next few days. I will meet the lawyer tomorrow and go from there.
My sister advised me to stay in the house that my husband and I co own until I talk to a lawyer.
This has been such an emotionally harrowing time for me. He’s acting like everything is normal. All i want to do is sleep. I keep telling myself it’ll be over soon.
Here were the top comments on OP's first post.
It sounds like he has no remorse and the only reason the affair ended was because she got pregnant. How could you possibly trust a man like him. It sounds like he is minimizing his affair.
If she keeps the baby and they still work together, I highly doubt he will completely cut things off. She'll be in his life from now on. Are you okay with that?
Personally, the baby would get my maiden name & I’d serve him with divorce papers and child support.
I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be okay having a baby with a man who just abandoned one.
I keep coming back to this. It sounds like she’s on the fence about the pregnancy (which is ultimately 100% her choice!), but the ease with which he’s willing to take the stance of just forgetting the whole thing happened is hard for me.
I’m more than halfway through my pregnancy—23 weeks—so I’m in a different position.
first red flag? a 39 year old married a 23 year old. second red flag? he started an affair while you are pregnant. girl… run.
23 and 39. Yep that’s all I need to know.
I’m not getting that he has any fear of losing you! Why?? Either he thinks you’re easy to control? Or not that bright? Or desperate to stay his wife? Which is it? Why isn’t he begging you to stay with him? Why does he feel you’ll just go along with forgetting that he’s cheated on you?
I think he knows that my initial reaction was going to be that yes, we could fix this or that I would agree to make things right. I think that he knows that I have so much invested (emotionally) in this relationship. He is my first real love, my first well everything really, and that I’m more likely to fight for what we have than to give it up.
Even i’m surprised at how conflicted I feel.
Where to begin?
First off, the other woman decided to terminate her pregnancy, which was confirmed to me by her. Talking to her was really weird and didn’t answer a lot questions that I had for her.
This is a person who knows me and has met me a number of times and I just don’t get it. The motivations on both sides don’t make any sense to me, and I don’t know if they ever will.
It helped to learn there was no romantic feelings but it was still confusing; especially since i perceive my husband and I to have a healthy sex life (as often as 4-6 times per week) and I don’t really get what’s fun or exciting about leaving the boundaries of your marriage.
We are in therapy, separately and together. Going separately is helping me to sort out a lot of my own feelings, but I think that going together is essential one way or another as well.
He has been cooperative and participatory in therapy. I’m hopeful that we can figure at least some things out.
We’ve had a lot of conversations about why it won’t be easy for me to just forgive this and why I need answers and changes in behavior and I do feel like I’ve been heard.
Divorce is not completely off the table, but it’s a hard situation to be in, especially in a vulnerable state like being pregnant. I’ve consulted with a lawyer and made my parameters clear to him, but for right now i want to try to work things out.
I know this isn’t the update that a lot of people probably hoped for, but for me I think this is the right choice.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement, advice, and perspective. I definitely took a lot of things to heart and will remember them for a long time! It’s very appreciated.
Edit: I want to make it clear since people seem confused—divorce is not off the table.
What is off the table right now is trying to make a decision that will affect my life greatly when I’m already in an extremely vulnerable physical/mental position without making an attempt at healing both on my own and with him.
Even if we end up divorced in the end, allowing myself time means that things have a higher chance of being amiable and easier for all of us—especially our child.
Commenters weren't happy as they weighed in on the update.
Personally, I don't think I could reconcile with a man who not only cheated on me, but also put my health and my child's health at risk in the process.
There are several STI's that a newborn can catch at birth (gonorrhea, chlamydia, hep B, genital herpes, etc.) and others that can cross the placenta and infect the baby in utero (syphillis, HIV). Most of these infections are DEADLY to a newborn.
Not even his own child's life and safety was enough incentive for your husband to keep it in his pants. Think long and hard about that.
Dude in his 40s getting with someone in their 20s, knocks her up and gets another woman pregnant, and you are staying???? Hey man update us in another month where something inevitably goes wrong again
Yikes, you want to work it out with a guy that fucked someone UNPROTECTED and put your babies life at risk by doing so..
It would be easier to separate now then when he does it again when the child is 2-3.
And the fact he just said he wants to move on from this Transgression is 100% proof he will do it again, and has zero respect for you. Good luck OP
Yep, that’s why he did it and why he told you. He DID choose this timing on purpose, even if subconsciously. Please factor that into your decision making and stay strong
There is a saying "once a cheater always a cheater" for a reason. But this is your choice and I hope for you that it will be the right one and that he doesn't take it for granted.
OP doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that he only came clean because the affair partner was pregnant. He'd most likely still be lying to her face now if he could.
So, in essence, the cheating husband was right. She will work through it because she's so emotionally invested. Her words, not mine.
She needs to be ready for the next time he gets another woman pregnant - and when said woman decides to keep the baby.