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Pregnant woman on deathbed tells estranged brother; 'F~~ your apology; the damage is done.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

Pregnant woman on deathbed tells estranged brother; 'F~~ your apology; the damage is done.' AITA? UPDATED 2X


When this woman doesn't have it in her heart to forgive her brother after everything he did to her and her husband, she asks Reddit:

"Am I wrong to not trust my brother's apology after he confessed something terrible to me?"

My (29F) brother (34M) and my husband (35M) were friends since they were babies until we started dating almost nine years ago. When we started dating my brother started treating me horribly and cut contact with both of us.

He didn't attend our wedding nor did he want to meet our children (7F, 5F, 3F, 10moM)we only see each other at family gatherings and we ignore each other completely.

Well, long story short, one of our sisters (31F) who was always in contact with him told him that I had an accident and was in the hospital, I was involved in a car crash and since I'm pregnant I was hospitalized, it was scary, I could've died (i am okay) but my sister still called him to tell him...

and judging by his actions I know that he probably thought I could die because he showed up at the hospital and was terrified, he wasn't the same person who has been hating me for the last nine years for dating his best friend.

He cried and apologized in a thousand ways and said things that I dont think is right to share for privacy, I will only say that he confessed to me what I have been suspecting for months. He is gay and was in love with my husband for years when they were still best friends.

He confessed to me that that was why he hated me, that he thought that my husband could feel the same as him but that as he settled down with me he knew that that wasnt possible.

According to him, he has been in love with my husband since they were in high school but he no longer feels anything for him because he finally understood that he doesn't feel the same way.

And to be honest, I feel so confused because it's not easy to process that information, let alone forgive after so much hate and pain, because he not only hurt me with his indifference, he also hurt my children when he ignored them at family parties every time they wanted to meet him...

he also hurt my husband, who was nothing more than an amazing friend and an amazing partner, and when I say that he was (and is) an amazing partner, I really mean it because he never hurt me and even respected our promise of celibacy until marriage.

(It has nothing to do with religion but with a choice I made from a very young age) to prove that he was serious about us.

He did everything he could to prove to everyone, including my brother, that he wanted to start a family with me and that he wasn't going to hurt me, but my brother didn't care, he just cut him off, and I know how much that hurt my husband because he considered him a brother so I don't know how to forgive all that because he hurt me and my family.

That day I didn't say anything to him because I didn't think his apology was sincere, and the fact that he was in love with my husband shocked me so much that I didn't know what to say either.

A few days ago he sent gifts to my house for my children and a letter telling me that he wanted me to forgive him, that he knows that earning my forgiveness or that of my husband will not be easy but that he wants to try.

My husband believes he is being sincere but I don't know, I think that maybe he only acted like that because I was hospitalized because under other circumstances he would never have apologized.

I ignored him and the other day he called me after years to tell me that he wants to have coffee to talk, but I'm not sure I want to do it, I don't know if I want to risk him hurting me again, he has hated me for years and I honestly don't think his apology is sincere, am I wrong for not believing him?

I think I struck a chord here lol, but honestly I find the excuse of "family is family" pathetic because for years I heard things like "you're a whore" "I hate you for opening your legs for my friend" etc I've heard that every time I've tried to apologize for falling in love with his friend and I'm already sick of it.

Yes, I love him and he will always be my brother and I want the best for him but I don't know if I want to have a relationship with him again and that doesn't mean that I don't have empathy as you say in the comments.

OP provides these two updates about the situation:


FYI my husband is straight and he didn't want to ruin their friendship by making him uncomfortable by telling him that he was in love with him, I don't know.

And my husband isn't much older than me. 7 years is perfectly acceptable for a relationship. And although our last two children were not planned, we decided to have that many children because we want to and because we can afford it.


My husband thought the confession was weird because he never suspected anything and according to him he feels betrayed because my brother lied to him for many years.

loudrecognition writes:

I think he is sincere can you imagine being best friends with someone all your life and being in love with them and not only do they not share those feelings but they are in love with your sister and wants to marry and start a family with her.

I'm sure that destroyed him. Even if it was neither yours or your husband's fault, doesn't change that he was heart broken. I can't imagine having to see the man I love be with and grow a loving family with m y sister right in front of my face.

I'm sure it was anger at first and he played it off as anger for years but it was probably deep hurt, and it hurt him even more to witness your love.

Assuming that at the time he wasn't out as a gay man, he couldn't show that he was heart broken and just had to show anger so no one would be suspicious. I think knowing all that you would forgive your brother with open arms.

No he didn't choose the right way to react to the situation but I can honestly understand that he stayed away to protect his heart and that was the only way he knew to deal with the man he was in love with being in love with his sister.

I'm sure that it came now because he realizes that he could have lost you and he probably woke and sees that family is too important to just throw away. I'd forgive him as soon as he explained.

seriousxm writes:

I mean, I think it's kinda f-d to pursue your brother's best mate... It either makes the relationship or destroys it (secret love aside). I wouldn't risk that with my sister, not her best friend of years without talking to her first.

Not a big enough deal to hold years of a grudge and not be an uncle. But there was a bit more to it than that. Can I ask what you would have done had your brother confided he was gay back then and really liked this guy? Would you have still done it?

I think it's always good to check your own side and then the other before getting on a high horse. You, in his eyes took the love of his life and it sounds like he grieved that relationship for years. You felt ignored and his best friend defeated for years, but you got the guy, so oh well right? Your brother's best mate.

Now he realises is was a silly grudge and had some personal growth, you are a shocked but ultimately played your part in the story. So, get over it and let him have a relationship with his best mate and with your kids and you like you said you wanted. Or don't. What are you doing on here looking for sympathy and an excuse?

kcyy123 writes:

It seems like you hold a deep deep bitterness for how your brother treated you and your family which may be very much earned, but i really think you fail to see this from your brothers perspective at all.

It’s hard enough for a brother to accept his best friend dating or marrying their sister and on top of that you throw the fact that he is gay and was hopelessly in love with his best friend. You absolutely broke your brother’s heart.

Now am i saying that excuses his behavior? Hell no. What i am saying is you may want to really take a moment and think about what your brother was feeling. His sister stole the guy he loved and the guy he loved chose his sister.

Im not sure how you guys handled getting together, and i dint want to make assumptions.

All i am saying is he is family and you should really truly think about whether you 1) can understand his emotions (especially being in the closet preventing him from expressing his true feelings)(still no excuse) 2) did not handle you and his best friend getting together well in terms of your brothers feelings and...

3) can handle getting news and thinking he might die without at least trying to resolve this. I know hurt can make you suspicious, but i think you brother may have been being sincere and thinking you may die without ever having the guts to resolve his issues with you was too much for him.

Don’t let hurt prevent you from at least talking to him, you can always decide later he isn’t sincere and go back to no contact.

reasonabletrifle writes:

Your brother was taking on water and couldn’t bail fast enough. He couldn’t breathe & had to get out of there fast; protect his heart. This was his first love & had a profound effect & he was devastated.

If he had not yet come out he couldn’t just go find a different boyfriend. My guess is he was afraid if he came around you 2 he’d end up blurting out his “secret” & he wasn’t ready.

That does not excuse the things he said but if he weren’t genuinely remorseful do you think he would’ve shared such deep intimate things? If he never acknowledged your kids before, the letter & gifts were a good icebreaker.

Tho he took it out on you, remember it’s not really about you, it’s him trying to find himself. Being around other family members didn’t make him feel that sense of betrayal.

Forgiveness isn’t abt instant trust, he truly hurt you. It isn’t abt turning and & putting yourself in the same position to be hurt again. He has to earn it back, & you have the power to decide when, where, & how fast.

Meet him & hear what he says to say, & tell him what you need to say. Write a letter to him before & tell him everything. Then tear it up.

Our brain is a powerful thing, & holds onto things until it’s able to start to let go. Writing involves memories, emotions & thoughts. It will help you sort out what you want to say. Sorry for the dissertation.

glittlerapology writes:

Yes YW. That was a legit apology. If he actually hated you it wouldn’t matter if you were dying. He wouldn’t have shown up. I ACTUALLY hate my brother and he got T-boned by an enormous truck, nearly died, they thought he’d be permanently paralyzed even if he lived.

My Grandma called to inform me about him being in the ICU and I was like “ahh, karma, there you are” (trust me, if I told you the things he did even you’d want him dead). I don’t do that “family is family” crap. Take the apology as sincere. Up to you if you want to forgive him from there.

hotbookeeper writes:

Imagine how difficult it was for your brother to be 1)closeted 2)in love with his best friend 3)watching his sister and crush/best friend FALL IN LOVE and make multiple babies 4) need I say closeted one more time?

Does this mean you just forgive & forget? No. Definitely accept your brother’s offer of reconciliation, but with conditions.

Explain that you want to take it slow, and that you need to have more conversations with him, understand him better, and work on repairing the pain his treatment if you caused you before he gets to build that bridge with your kids.

I don’t know what your family’s view on being gay is, but coming out is no small feat, and there needs to be a lot of consideration for what he was going through all this time, being closeted. Does that excuse his behavior? No.

Does it explain that he was in severe pain and acting out in a toxic way that was probably fueled by systemic & internalized homophobia? Yes.

A lot of people struggle to admit to themselves when they are gay and it makes them hate themselves, so try to be compassionate while standing your ground that you need a major apology tour and time to rebuild trust.

I say this bc my absolute BFF and literally my most long-standing friendship is with someone who I did NOT know was gay (we totally dated AND had good sex) started acting really weirdly towards me after we broke up and decided to go back to being friends.

He kept me at arm’s length for literally 10 fkn years and I was devastated that our friendship was dwindling until he finally came out to me (in a very awkward, public and embarrassing way for me) and told me he was gay.

He had so much internalized homophobia and had been suicidal and had major mental health issues that made it difficult to accept he was gay. So yeah he wasn’t a great friend during that time, but I realized keeping his BF at bay bc he was afraid of my reaction and hiding who he was from me and other loved ones was SO difficult for him.

And his identity struggle is more significant than my hurt feelings bc he apologized and I can forgive. So definitely tread lightly with your brother, but realize he wouldn’t be taking such a huge rise of coming out to you if he didn’t truly love you and care about repairing the relationship.

Like what does he stand to gain by lying about anything at this point? I’m sure he’s more frightened bc he couldn’t stand to lose his sister.

Looks like the jury's out on this one. Is OP being too harsh on her brother? What do YOU think?

Sources: Reddit
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