'AITA for refusing gifts from my husband after finding out he thinks I'm materialistic?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing gifts from my husband because I found out he thinks I'm materialistic?"
Mountain_Impress8795
I’m (30F) very interested in skincare, fashion, makeup, and other feminine things. I work hard to afford the things that I want. I’m not very pretty but I am well put together and many of my friends compliment me on my outfit or other things I’m proud of. It’s a hobby I enjoy.
My husband S (27M) has always been my biggest supporter. He would listen to me and he’s always surprising me with gifts of things that I’ve been talking about or what I’ve expressed interest in. I’m always appreciative of his incredibly thoughtful gifts and I love them.
A friend of S contacted me and told me that I should stop being materialistic and making my husband buy things for me. She said he complained about it a lot. I didn’t want to accuse S without proof and I looked through his phone. We have open phones but I’ve never wanted to look thru his before.
I found countless messages of him calling me vain, materialistic, obsessed with my looks, picky. He also commented that I’m not even pretty enough to be that obsessed with myself several times. He was complaining to friends, acquaintances, and people who barely know me. It was so hurtful that I cried for hours.
But I love my husband and I don’t want him to think I’m vain or materialistic. I gave away what I could and resolved to stop purchasing things and stop talking to him about them. S gave me a perfume discovery set because I had recently gained an interest in perfume. I thanked him but said I didn’t need it.
He was confused and asked what was wrong with it. I told him that it was a lovely gift but I didn’t need more perfume. I said I didn’t want to be materialistic or vain.
S said that he had seen my textbook on perfume and that I had bookmarked things and he knew that I was interested in it. He was teary eyed and kept asking what was wrong with his gift and why I didn’t like it. He has been very distressed since. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's original post:
Adventurous-Try1728
NTA. Okay, Sis. Now you need to have the VERY open conversation. Show him the text from S. Then, ask him to open his phone and show him ALL of his messages. Tell him that it is unconscionable that he would say these things to everyone without ever once expressing it to you.
Its devestatingly hurtful - especially after he's been so encouraging towards you. In fact, I'd screen shot his messages at this point and send them to yourself... just a small samplong.
Show them to him and tell him only after S called you to call you out on your behavior did you look through his phone...Honestly Sis? I'd be absolutely devestated, too, and I have a thick skin. Its the two facedness and how far and wide he spread his nastiness that is so devestating.
Its bad enough that he said you aren't good looking (its one thing to know in our hearts we aren't the most attractive but to hear it from our spouse...) but to discover he's saying it to other people is SO incredibly hurtful. I'm SO sorry... fundamentally, the backstabbing snake is who he is as a person. I'm so very sorry.
WineAndDogs2020
The ONLY thing I have to add to this is OP should not stop her hobby. These are things she loves, and she should not be changing or dimming herself for anyone, especially this backstabbing ahole. OP, change your man, not your makeup.
FancyPantsDancer
The fakeness is next level. I understand that the OP loves him and that if this were me, I'd be upset too. But as outsider, I'm just thinking how pathetic and AHy the OP's husband is.
If the OP genuinely was vain and has these issues- say something. Stop buying her things. He needs to get a hobby that isn't falsely victimizing himself to others. OP, I hope you find some peace. NTA.
Scarlaymama0721
I agree with you. That would be devastating. I’m ferociously loyal, and I expect the people that are in my close circle to be loyal to me as well, especially my husband.
Honesty and loyalty is what I ask for in a partner and I would be devastated if my husband was saying things about me behind my back. I honestly don’t know if it’s something I could get over. It means that much to me. Without it there’s nothing.
AppropriateCupcake48
OP, please listen to this comment and comments like it.
The very same day, the OP returned with an update.
"(Update) AITA for refusing to accept my husband’s gift because he thinks I’m vain and materialistic?"
Mountain-Impress8796
I tried to post on the other sub but there was an error. My husband S kept asking me what exactly I didn’t like about his gift and tried to narrow why I didn’t accept it. I told him that his friend messaged me about how I was materialistic and forced S to buy me things.
He looked furious. I said that I had looked at his phone and saw that he thought I was vain and materialistic and that I was trying to change that. He looked even more mad and I was tearing up at that point. Then he hugged me and apologized.
He said he didn’t think I was materialistic or vain. He thought my love for my hobbies was cute and inspiring. He loved getting me gifts because I was appreciative and he likes seeing me in things he got me.
I asked why he would say those things if he actually didn’t think I was materialistic or vain or self obsessed. He hugged me tighter and made me promise to still love and stay with him. Then he said that he was already fighting for my attention and affection with my friends, family, and my job, he wasn’t going to compete with others too.
He pulled out his phone and we read his messages together. When I had first read them, I could barely read them because I was so heartbroken but as we read them together, I realized that he started the complaining and the other person would start calling me things and they would walk away with a terrible opinion of me.
I started crying again and he apologized and said he never meant it and the other people would already thought people like me were vain and shallow. In the texts, S also insinuated that only he could get me proper gifts. It’s true that he’s the one person whose gifts were always incredible but that’s because he was very in tune with what I would want, even more than me. I still appreciate other things.
I keep every card I’ve ever gotten and I still have the wrapper of a candy my childhood friend gave me. In the texts, it seems like I’m a shallow, picky person that has high standards only he can reach.
I asked him not to talk about me like that anymore. He immediately said yes. He said that he would replenish what I had given away and if I tried to reject it he would see it as spurning his affection. He apologized again and said he never wanted to hurt me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Latter-Cost-1331
What in a manipulation hell is this ? girl….
matchamagpie
So not only is he talking behind OP's back but he's also isolating her by ruining her reputation? S is pure and unadulterated garbage. Throw the whole man in the trash compactor.
Axel920
He's an even bigger piece of shit after the update. He starts the complaining and poisoning people in order to get those people to say those horrible things. And then he defends it by saying they already thought she was vain?? That makes it okay somehow??
I'd bet money it's an ego/jealousy thing. This ahole is jealous of the time and care that goes into OPs fashion and looks and the confidence that comes with it. OP needs to GTFO and get rid of this sad sack of doody.
knittedjedi
"I can’t win. If I don’t accept his gifts, then I am rejecting him and saying I don’t love him. If I do, then I feel shallow and materialistic."
Seems like the only winning move is not to play.
Wymas123
This turned my stomach. Op's dirt bag of a husband has been talking poorly about her to anyone and everyone who would listen for god knows how long, alienating her from his friends and family.
Even though he "apologised" I doubt it's sincere and he doubled down with more "gifts" with a added dose of emotional blackmail for good measure. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw. This is going to get a lot worse for op sadly before she leaves his abusive, negative man.