My fiance (28M) and I (26F) started dating 3 years ago and I can't wait to be with him for the rest of my life but I think I might have messed up.
We got engaged 3 months ago and are planning on getting married in November and last night we were discussing some things about the wedding and the topic of our finical plan for once we are married which is where the argument started cause I asked him when I would be added onto the deed for the house.
Background: When my fiance was 23 his uncle died and left him a huge inheritance which has basically set him up for life, especially since he doesn't like super flashy things and only really spends money on his hobbies, and for the first 2 years after he struggled to date because he was always worried the girl he was dating was using him.
I moved in with fiance a year into our relationship and he has never charged me for any bills and only expects me to pay for an luxury items I want.
9 months ago me and my fiance had a discussion in which he asked me if I wanted to stop working because I worked as a teacher and he could tell that my work wasn't making me happy, which he was right, we came to the agreement that I would stop working and some ground rules.
The ground rules include that he would give me allowance every month and that he expected me to not just sit at home all day on my phone because he wants me to find hobbies and passions because we both don't want children. I was totally on board with the rules and quitting really helped my mental health.
So when I brought up having my name added to the house deed he got really quiet. He told me that he didn't feel comfortable adding my name to the deed as the house had been fully paid off by him before we had even met and he felt that he is the one responsible for all the payments.
This made me upset because I thought he was trying to say that I was using him and we are getting married so I thought the house would become 'ours.' He told me that things will become ours but this was the first house he ever bought and that he wanted to keep something for himself.
He told me that if we decide to change houses or have one built, which we have discussed before, that he would have both our names put on the deed. This made me more upset because if he is willing to do it on the possible next house why cant he do for our current house?
We got into an argument and I left to go to my sister's apartment and texted my friend about the situation and she told me that I was being an AH and overreacting but I don't see it that way and I think he should be willing to put my name on the deed.
Am I overreacting and throwing away a good relationship? Or is he being an AH by not seeing my side?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
YTA you have a free ride and you're being exactly what he's afraid of. This is his house that he paid for that you had no hand in at all. Now you want it and its suspicious and you already have wayyyy more than normal relationships would ever give you.
If OP is concerned about her financial independence, then she can get a job.
She quit her job based on his suggestion. So now she is entering into a marriage where she has no income and no control over the assets. It creates a situation that is rife with opportunity for financial abuse and she is right to want to have some sort of guarantee of financial security.
It's something they need to work out and come to an agreement that protects both of them.
She gets an allowance. She should be saving and investing that money for the future.
It sounds like a prenuptial agreement is overdue to be worked out.
His assets do not automatically become “our” assets. It’s wrong to think that is a given, and the precursor of this nit being the case was pretty well spelled out with the establishment of running rules on funds already.
Communicate. You haven’t thus far, and for that, YTA.
Ohhhh Sh**t. This is my situation. I am not on the deed to our house. We have been together 17 years. We bought a new house 3 years ago. I had to go to a lawyer and sign papers saying that I agreed to not be on the deed. Which I did not. The Lawyer pointed out that it is normal for the wife to be on the deed for this very reason.
My husband thought since he pays the mortgage only he needs to be on the deed. The Lawyer said No it doesn't matter if ur Uncle Fester pays the Mortgage. That both Spouses should be on the deed. So the bank cant take it immediately if he dies.
If my husband dies I'll have to fight the bank to keep our house. We have been married 12 years & have 2 young children together. I already asked him to change this and put me on the deed. He said he didn't want to pay the Lawyer another $150 to add me to the deed. But this could save me a whole lot of headaches if the worst should happen.
Also we do not have Wills yet. Also I don't have have any credit cards in my name so I therefore have no credit. I don't have any bills in my name. So I can't build credit that way. I contribute $ into the bills and buy all the groceries but Since none are in my name. I literally don't exist in terms of credit.
I'm 40 and am totally F**ked if he dies before I can fix these financial problems. He is borderline diabetic and it could turn into type 2 diabetes I'd he can't lose weight and get his blood sugar levels down. I'm worried I won't be able to take care of our girls properly if something should happen to him.
He figures that I'd be fine since his life insurance money goes to me if he died but that doesn't mean the bank won't fight me on the house ownership. He said well u could just pay off the rest of the Mortgage and own the house.
But that's still a problem since the house is not in my name I can't sell it to buy a smaller house. We need to make our wills ASAP and go get my name on the deed. I'm not flying anywhere until this is done first. Just in case.