'My former roommate just flipped out on me over a coffee mug - yup, you read that right, a coffee mug.' UPDATED
"My former roommate just flipped out on me over a coffee mug - yup, you read that right, a coffee mug."
This is so asinine I can't even believe I'm here writing about it, but I'm baffled to the point I need an outside perspective. Ten or eleven months ago, a blast from the past friend of my fiancé's contacted him and announced that he ("Doug," let's call him) was moving into town. He asked if he could he crash for a bit while he was looking for a place.
To make a VERY long story short, Doug GROSSLY overstayed his welcome. Nice guy to be around for lunch or a drink, but completely socially unaware as a roommate - moved our stuff around without asking, broke or damaged things, used things and promised to replace them and then took the replacements when he moved, I could go on and on.
We finally gave Doug a deadline, even delivering him a new place on a silver platter - a friend and coworker of mine needed someone to share the mortgage while he looked for work in his home state where he was moving back to.
At the point my friend moves, Doug will have the house to himself or get a roommate if he wants. He's been living with "Rob" now for a few months. So there's where we stand.
My now husband and I still can't find a bunch of things from our kitchen but frankly it's been worth it to have the house back. We've just let our "WTF??" frustrations go. Until today, anyway.
Yesterday evening I went to Rob's to pick up a bottle of bourbon he bought for us. We were standing in his kitchen chatting and I saw a Starbucks "You Are Here" mug from my home state of WI on the counter.
For those of you who aren't familiar, the YAH cups are mugs with city or state designs on them that you can only buy in those particular cities or states. I've collected them for awhile, and the mug on Rob's counter was one that I own but hadn't seen recently.
I assumed my husband had it in his car or at work because he constantly has coffee in his hand and cups get left around. I flipped the cup over because hubs has a habit of marking his wayward cups with his initials in Sharpie. There was, washed but still there, Sharpie on the mug so I said to Rob "tell Doug I'm reclaiming my mug, I've been missing this one" and I took it with me when I left.
This morning I get a text from Doug telling me to give the cup back to Rob to give back to him, that he (Doug) got it as a gift. I replied back with "I snagged it because it had Sharpie on the bottom where [husband] tried to label it and claim it as his...sure you got the right mug?"
I'd never seen Doug with a Starbucks mug but I figured, hey, he also lived in that same state so maybe he had one somewhere and we mixed them up, whatever. He fired back with "it did not, I got that from my friend in WI when I was last back." He added another few lines of where he got it, who gave it to him, and then added "and I really wish you would ask before you just take my things."
I resisted the urge to point out the obvious irony in that statement and just said "not trying to be difficult, but my WI cup was gone so when I looked at the bottom of that one I was like 'ah...migrated in the move' and didn't give it another thought."
Went downhill from there - he's text shouting at me that it's his and it hasn't left his possession since he was in WI last, how he never took my mug and that he knows which ones I have at the house and a WI one isn't even one of them, how he'll just have his friend send him another one and he doesn't even know why he's trying to defend his position, on and on.
He's now peppered my inbox with ten or eleven messages to my two replies and is f bombing and swearing. I sent one more message, "I'm not asking you to defend a thing - if you got the mug after you moved I believe you. When I picked it up last night I just went "oh, here it is."
His next messages were "whatever, it's okay I know I had it since [friend] gave it to me and I brought it back. You can just thank her. Keep it" and other "well if it means so much to you" snotty variations. I quit responding because it was frankly creepy.
I talked to my husband (who's out of town this week) later and apparently Doug had been simultaneously sending him all sorts of texts asking if he marked his coffee mugs or something like that (don't have those verbatim) and when he acknowledged he does do that ( with no idea why Doig was even asking), Doug blew up on him too.
I really do believe the cup is mine, but if Doug has the same one and we mixed them up and he also truly believes it's his also I'd have no problem giving it to the guy. It a coffee cup, for chrissakes, I'll just chalk it up to a mixup and grab another one the next time I visit family.
Innocent mistake on one of our ends. Whatever. I'm just shell shocked by how badly he blew up over something so silly. Rob even told me he (Doug) was pissed to the point that Rob left for work early just to get out of the house.
I hate when people are upset, I'm always the fixer, so I feel like I should do something to smooth things over but I also feel like I got unfairly attacked over something totally innocent - even if it's totally coincidental Doug's cup was marked up and I'm absolutely in the wrong, it's not like I snuck the cup away or did it to be mean knowing all along it was his.
All he would have had to say was "I have that same cup, I dunno where yours is but I think you took mine." Do I even respond anymore or try to explain? This is truly the dumbest argument (if you can even call it that) I've been in since middle school.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You know it was your husband's mug, not Doug's. Doug knows that you know it was your husband's mug. All the f-bomb laden texts are his attempt to deflect the blame and stop you from bringing up the OTHER stuff Doug broke or
misplacedstole. Block his number. He doesn't deserve any apologies or other attempts to "fix" the situation.
mugmadness (OP)
In my mind I know you're right, it just seems SO STINKING SILLY. He's quit texting me at the very least, but has been sending my husband random texts saying things like "I'm just gonna come get my trailer" when my husband refused to take his side.
Oddly, that's a significant positive - we've been asking Doug to move that out of our yard for months and he keeps saying he can't find a storage spot but he'll pay us storage fees (he hasn't).
Oh wow, it gets better lol. You know you'll never get those storage fees. Maybe time to start laying a paper trail - fix a date (via text or email) for him to come and get the trailer. If he retrieves it on said date, all well and good.
If he doesn't, give him a deadline, again via email/text ("you come and pick it up by 'x' date, or we'll have it towed"). And then follow through on your threat if he doesn't comply. It would serve him bloody well right.
mugmadness (OP)
Oh I know - we never asked for the fees to begin with, he started offering after my husband reminded him the trailer needs to go. The "paper trail" is via text, the last ones agreeing to get it before we got back from our honeymoon (we've been back three weeks).
And the most recent saying we're moving it out onto the street because frankly we need to mow and do yard work around it. Trailers can only stay parked on residential streets for so many days in a row before the city deals with it, so I hope Doug handles it.
Yes. You need to establish a paper trail that it has been abandoned. Send him a letter stating that it will be deemed abandoned after 90 days from date of letter certified mail.
mugmadness (OP)
We're moving it to the street and from there the city will take care of it - trailers can only remain parked for so many days in a row before they're fined and towed.
You know as well as I know and your husband knows and my cats know that it's not his mug. It wasn't an innocent misunderstanding. How do you think it works? He broke and stole all sorts of your stuff, but this one mug, that looks exactly like your mug, is the one item he didn't steal?
What an amazing coincidence. No, don't reply, don't smooth anything over. He wants to be a thief, it's his choice. You're not obligated to make that choice consequence-free for him.
Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.
Karma, it appears, is a witch. Doug somehow came to the conclusion that telling everyone we know about how horrible of a person I am for "stealing" his coffee cup was a good idea. (Note, these are all people he met through me and my husband.)
Trying to make me look bad? Hurt my feelings? Who knows. All it accomplished was to alienate him and confirm that I shouldn't feel bad AT ALL for the situation.
After all of this nonsense, Doug's current landlord/roommate (and our friend, btw), Rob, sat him down to ask him to leave (the raging was becoming too much, and over things beyond the stupid coffee cup). He gave him 30 days, but Doug reacted by announcing he was moving back in with his parents anyway and would be out by June 1st.
Fast forward to Saturday. I get out of the shower to see Doug's SUV tearing out of the yard with his trailer in tow. Good, the abandoned trailer is gone but, bad, he ripped up the lawn in the process and also didn't bother to mow the mess of grass underneath where it was parked despite the mower being three feet away.
Husband shook his head and said it confirms Doug's selfish attitude and he's glad Doug is out of our lives. Fast forward to Sunday. Husband is getting the nephews ready to head out and go off-roading and do some shooting up at the ranch.
Doug calls. His SUV has broken down and he needs a ride home. Husband says he's packing up the kids and is already running a little behind, sorry. Doug responds with, "oh, so you're home now, good. I'm right on your way."
Yeah... My husband just looked at me like, "He's kidding, right?? He has to be kidding??"
Where Doug broke down is right on the way, but to get him back to Rob's would be a 45 min round trip.
I also point out to husband that Doug has roadside assistance, I know because I helped him set up the in vehicle OnStar-esque unit. Husband says to Doug to try that or to call someone else.
Doug calls Rob (who is out and doesn't want to leave his weekend activity either) and our entire circle of mutual friends. No one wants to go get him, they all tell him to call roadside. He gives each person a different excuse - it'll take too long, they don't cover towing, he doesn't trust tow companies, whatever.
Finally, despite his protests, he has to resort to RA anyway - they tow his vehicle the ten free miles that come with the program then dump the SUV and the wrecker driver takes Doug the additional four miles to Rob's house and drops him off.
Doug calls husband a few more times to ask for help diagnosing/fixing the vehicle (husband was a mechanic) or possibly loading it on to one of our trailers and loaning him the trailer for the 1,200 mile trip back to his parents' place.
Husband is forced to point out to him that he's not at all interested in doing favors for someone who not only never reciprocates, but also had the poor judgement to treat me the way he did.
Doug tried to tell husband he didn't appreciate things that were worth money (WTF? A coffee mug??) being taken from him, and husband replied with "you're right. We'll be around when you swing by to drop off (inserts list of things missing from our kitchen).
I'll make sure I forward rundown for the unpaid rent and utilities you still owe us to your parents' place then, I'm sure you're concerned about settling up, it's the fair thing to do." We haven't heard from Doug since - Rob reports he's in a bit of a foul mood.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I'm surprised you took any more calls from him at all after the first post. What a drop kick Doug is.
This guy is full-blown nuts. I would bet you haven't heard the last of him. You might want to change the locks.
mugmadness (OP)
Already done - keyless entry and we changed the codes the minute he left.
I can't believe he had the gall to ask your husband for help after the stink he made over the mug! I wonder how long before his parents have enough of him. :)
mugmadness (OP)
I was shocked too. Given the choice between his wife and the guy who teed off on her, who is delusional enough to think any husband is going to side with his "buddy?"
I would have taken the mug and not said anything to Rob/Doug. It's mine I don't have to warn you that I took something of mine you stole.