'AITA for withholding lottery winnings from my wife? I didn't want her buying stupid stuff.'
"AITA (35M) for withholding lottery winnings from my Wife (28F)"
lotteryburner
I won the lottery back in September 2016. Wife and I were married in May 2017. It wasn't a fortune, but enough to make a difference. After taxes it came out to right around $390,000.
Most people would’ve been overjoyed, but I panicked. I didn't want our life to change drastically because we had extra money now, it wasn’t exactly generational wealth or anything.
(My wife has/had a tendency to spend on things we don't need and that aren't going to benefit us in the long run so I didn't want our money to blown quickly on stupid stuff like jewelry and clothes.) I was still legally single at the time, and so I was able to accept it anonymously without the need to tell anyone else. So I didn’t, with the exception of my parents.
I opened a new bank account with a national credit union and put the check in. Got started with a financial advisor, who guided me into investing in local businesses and real estate. And that's that. It's been sitting there since, just growing.
Flash forward to today. I'm doing dishes getting ready to start making dinner, and my phone rings. I can't get to it but figure I'll call them back. Then I get a text. My wife came into the kitchen and glanced at my phone to see who was contacting me for some reason. It's my financial advisor, with an update on an investment, which of course had to include a very revealing figure.
Needless to say she was extremely confused, then angry as I fessed up to everything, including the amount in the account which has more than doubled over the years.
Without getting too into our argument she stormed out and went to stay at her sisters, since then her side of the family has been bombarding my messages with how much of an asshole I am, how I betrayed her etc.
I want to note that I really did do it out of love for her, we’ve lived fairly stress free with bills being covered and I’ve always treated her very well, paying for her car along with expensive vacations, dates, gifts etc.
I truly didn’t want to continue keeping it from her as her spending habits have improved a lot but I figured it was too late, now here we are. So am I the a^%le here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
gbhm
NTA. You won that money as a single man, so by right it is yours alone. She did this to herself with her reckless spending habits.
Ordinary_Weakness_46
"She did this to herself with her reckless spending habits."
Here's the problem with this -
Even if we take this to be a legitimate reason of keeping it from her, OP said this -"I truly didn’t want to continue keeping it from her as her spending habits have improved a lot but I figured it was too late".
Here's OP acknowledging that his wife has made an improvement on her spending habits, and not just an improvement but "a lot", and yet he STILL didn't tell her.
How is the OP not an a^%le for that?
And here's the thing, for me it isn't even about the money, itself. It's about the fact OP thought he was doing the right thing by keeping this information from her, yet once that reason became invalid, he still kept it from her.
Tkdakat
It's not her money (before marriage) she has no say over it ! Keep it safe and growing as you already are ! NTA.
XDANOLOS
Soft YTA. She would've have found out regardless, so it was wrong for you to withhold the knowledge. As respect to your wife, instead you could've communicated your concerns, asked friends and family for advice, and gave her the benefit of the doubt.
gwie
NTA. And you can see from the behavior of her and her family that they feel so entitled to it, it's disgusting. You've betrayed her by being...financially smart and independent? By not blowing your winnings like many people do? Investing it for the long term, so your descendants or charities that you care about will benefit in the future, long after you are gone?
Ordinary_Weakness_46
You're not going to give OP's wife the benefit of the doubt here and see that she just might be angry at the fact her husband of over half a decade doesn't trust her?
cordelia1955
soft YTA. You had every right to do what you wanted with the money you won. But it sounds like you were already at least considering marriage to your now wife? Would she have married you if she knew you didn't trust her with "your" money?
Letting it go for so long has only made it more of a betrayal because you've been essentially lying to her all this time. I also find it kind of revealing that you say you've "treated her very well." While I could be wrong, this sounds pretty condescending. Do you also have a way to keep her from it if you divorce?
Bohdibadboy
E(might)SH… kinda. She def sucks, handling things like that, Feeling entitled to it, storming out, is enough. But man, airing it out to her family.. what the fuck. I can’t imagine airing out personal shut like that. The fact that she isn’t mortified that her family is reaching out is beyond me.
I’m inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt. You don’t havvvvve to tell her. But you probably should have. That said, seeing how she reacted, I probably wouldn’t tell her anything ever.
I don’t think anything can excuse how wild she acted, but I could see a scenario where she is justified in being a little upset. I can see a scenario where she’s been worried about money, and it wouldn’t saved alot of stress knowing that. But even that is me reaching. I actually don’t think your an a^*#ole. She sucks though.