'His sister called me his placeholder girlfriend at dinner in front of his whole family… and he just laughed like it was nothing.'
"His sister called me his placeholder girlfriend at dinner in front of his whole family… and he just laughed like it was nothing."
So, I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for almost three years now. We live together, we have a dog, we’ve talked about buying a house, marriage, maybe kids one day the whole future-planning thing. I’ve always felt secure with him, and up until this moment, I thought we were on the same page.
Last weekend we had dinner at his parents’ house pretty casual, just his family and us. Everything was okay ,fine until, out of nowhere, his older sister (27F) makes this comment during dinner about how it’s only a matter of time before the real one shows up and that I’m probably just a placeholder girlfriend anyway.
She said it so casually, like it was some joke. The table went kind of quiet for a second, and then his brother laughed, his mom gave this uncomfortable smile, and my boyfriend? He laughed too. Like full-on chuckled and said, That’s harsh, but funny.
I just sat there stunned. I couldn’t even react because I wasn’t sure if I misheard or if that really just happened in front of everyone. Nobody said anything to defend me. not even him.
On the ride home, I brought it up. I asked him why he didn’t say anything or at least have my back.
His response? "She was just joking, babe. You’re being sensitive."
I didn’t think I was being sensitive at all. I’ve been nothing but respectful to his family. I always show up to events, help clean up, bring gifts, try to actually bond with them. And now I’m some kind of disposable temp girlfriend in their eyes? and he doesn’t care?
I’ve been replaying the moment in my head nonstop. What kind of partner just lets that slide? It’s one thing for his sister to be petty or weirdly territorial but for him not to say a word? I honestly can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is the clearest red flag I’ve ignored yet.
I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing… but I also don’t want to waste years with someone who doesn’t take me seriously. Would love some perspective. Am I reading too much into this? or should I be seriously reconsidering how much I actually matter to him?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Ugh. If I were you, I'd say, "Tell your sister I said thank you. She made me realize I was wasting my time. Thanks for being a place holder while I figured it out."
I think the sister was warning OP. Sure, she could have been being catty. Or she could have been doing OP a solid by letting her know the way her boyfriend talks about her behind her back. Either way, it was not a joke. (edited to clarify)
This is exactly where my head went with how it’s explained!!! Also with mom being uncomfortable and awkward? Like, this is something he’s said …. Sister is repeating as a “joke” to see how he and OP react.
If he had defended OP then it would seem like he’s decided she’s NOT a placeholder and maybe it was just nerves or doubt? But laughing and then telling OP she’s being sensitive?
And that sis said it flat, and didn’t have anything else to say about? Would need additional context like if sis has said anything else before to be sure… but yeah. I think she’s trying to put something out there.
What part of that was supposed to be funny? I could never build a life with someone who had such a nonsensical sense of humor. How can you enjoy anything together? If this were me, I’d tell him that his sister made you realize that he’s a placeholder boyfriend and that you actually need the place open for the permanent partner. If he gets upset, just tell him he’s being too sensitive.
Edit: I just wanted to also add about your question if reading into it: your permanent partner will never make you feel the way you felt at the dinner. And when you bring up something that hurt you, your permanent partner would take you seriously. If your boyfriend told you something you did (or didn’t do) hurt him, how would you respond? Expect nothing less for yourself.
Shadie3 (OP)
That dinner really opened my eyes, and it wasn’t just about the joke. it was the way he brushed it off like my feelings didn’t matter.
Now that you know that you actually are holding the place for someone else, why don't you just get out of the way? The right person for you is out there, but you're blocking them by wasting time on him. His sister was probably telling you the truth or just warning you about what is going on. ETA. After 3 years together, this is not a joke.
Can I ask why you didn’t stand up for yourself or called him out in that moment? This is a huge deal. Girl why the hell you’re still with someone who doesn’t have your back. Geezus if you tell your friends this and you see them get mad in his place it shows you all you need to know. You deserve respect.
Shadie3 (OP)
You’re right, I do deserve respect, and I need to stop making excuses for the bare minimum.
What she said wasn't a joke, it was a mean little put-down. It wasn't nothing. It's everything you need to know about him.
Tell him he’s free to go find your replacement now and leave him. There’s more crap from this guy coming in your future. If you like yourself, break up.