Husband's obsession with 'deep conspiracy' leads wife to breakdown; 'Do I need to help him or do I need to escape?' UPDATED 2X
"My (30 F) spouse (35 M) has been acting incredibly strange. Do I need to help him or do I need to escape?"
Top_Manufacturer_620
My (30F) spouse (35M) has been experiencing behaviour that has only become increasingly concerning. In the past two months now, he has been talking about things that he claims are happening but he’s never mentioned before.
As some background info, when his behaviour first starting getting concerning, I managed to convince him to go the hospital to get checked out for his mental health. He wasn’t even seen by a doctor and he was told he just needs to take a certain medicine to help him sleep.
The issue is he also smokes weed so this medicine does not mix well with that. He won’t quit smoking. We also have two very young kids. Back to the weird recent behaviour, he claims he had an old email with an inheritance that got hacked and he needs access to it.
I tried helping him get on it but he hasn’t used it in literally the 12 years we’ve been together, I only knew of its existence previously when I helped him switch his Facebook login and that was an email attached.
Another example is that he believes everyone is talking about him to me and everyone else, I mean literally everyone else. He thinks there’s some sort big thing planned to hurt him or do something horrible to him soon and that we’re all on it.
On a few other separate occasions he’s asked about a “show” that “we’re on” and asked how much money I’m being paid to keep a secret. He also thinks I’m having secret phone calls and that I’ve apparently left the room to accept these calls, which then results in me coming back crying about something I’ve apparently discussed on the phone.
Whenever I try to explain to him that none of this is happening, he fights back saying that I’m just lying to him and to tell him the truth. That I need to tell him the truth or something bad is going to happen. It’s gotten so bad, he ended up getting fired from his job because he was barely showing up. He kept going to the cop station to make a report instead of going to work.
After he got fired, there was some sort of tense situation where they ended up calling a wellness check for him, because they were afraid he’s going to come back and hurt someone.
The cops showed up while I was also home and he said he wouldn’t hurt someone, he only acts in defense. In the recent weeks, he’s gone from screaming at me demanding answers to just not talking to me at all. At this point I’d rather he just not interact with me.
The reason I’m writing this is because of what happened today. It was a nice day out and I asked if he would come with me for a walk with our kids, to which he agreed to. He barely spoke a word to me or the kids on this walk, and when we came across a playground, I asked if we should take the kids there for a few minutes of play.
He then got upset at me for suggesting it and said I always control everything and I’m the “queen of the decisions”. I didn’t even tell him we were doing that, I just asked. When I mentioned this he just said “do whatever you want, like always”, so I figured why not.
So I played with the kids at the playground and he did his own thing. Someone left a couple various balls there and he was throwing them around. He then picked up the football and threw it in my direction, it flew past me a couple feet from me.
I asked why he did that and he said “why are you upset, it didn’t hit you” to which I responded “well what if it did?” He then said “if I wanted it to hit you in the head I would have thrown it that way”.
Then he started on a rant about how he’s going through the same thing with everyone lying to him. After which he sat down in the corner of the park and was doing literally nothing.
I was getting upset, so I packed up the kids and started walking to leave the park. I said to him “we’re going home” and started walking away. Apparently he tried to yell out to us but ended up taking a different way home than we did.
He told me this when he met me on the street when we were almost home, saying that “next time I want to be an idiot and walk away maybe stop and listen for him calling out”. I didn’t hear him but honestly he could have easily caught up to us.
I was getting more and more upset and said I wanted to go for a drive to get coffee and he said fine. I said I wanted to take the kids and he asked why. Then I said fine, you stay home with them and he said no they can go with you and started putting them in the car.
I got in the car, and he got in the passenger seat, to which I asked him if he’s coming with. He said yes and to drive. I told him I didn’t want him coming with because he’s being mean and he said he could be a lot meaner.
As I started driving away he kept going off on the usual BS he’s been talking about lately and I told him I don’t want to hear it, he started screaming at me to keep driving and shut the eff up. I stopped the car and told him to get out and he made a motion like he was going to punch me but punched his hand in front of my face.
At this point I started crying and yelling at him to get out and he yelled back no just drive. I then said I should just drive him to the police station for that and he said he would choke me unconscious before we even got there.
I was crying even more at this point and said I don’t want to be with him anymore and I want him out, he said no. He continued to be a dick for the rest of the car ride, where I pleaded with him to not treat me this way, especially in front of our children. It’s not fair to them, or to me. He said to not bring them into this. I said how couldn’t I, they are literally in the car!
Anyway after I drove us home, he asked how long I’ve been waiting to break up with him and who I’m replacing him with. I told him I haven’t been and there’s no one else, which of course he doesn’t believe. When he got inside he even taunted me saying “I should take you to the cop station” in a girly voice.
He’s outside smoking and I’m inside with the kids writing this. Of course I’m shook up currently but I don’t know what to do. We only have the one vehicle which is in both our names, the place we rent is actually my moms so we don’t have a lease but we both have our addresses attached to this place on our licenses.
He wasn’t always like this, literally only the past couple months his behaviour has been this bad. I miss the person he used to be, I miss that he would spend time with me, with the kids, but he spends all his time by himself now. I don’t know if he’s going through some sort of manic episode or what’s triggering this change in behaviour but I really don’t know what to do.
Is there something differently I can do to help him? Every time he talks to me about whatever “situation” he doesn’t accept any answer I say and also won’t accept if I say nothing.
EDIT: I just wanted to update and let you all know we are safe. I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner. I’m a bit overwhelmed with how popular this post got and will give an actual update later.
Thank you for the advice and comments as well. I will mention a couple things. We are not in the US. Where we are, marijuana is legal, so my spouse does get it from government run dispensaries. I don’t think there’s a chance his stuff gets laced aside from the fact he mixes cigarettes with it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
ynattirb_xo
I just wanna say, I was that terrified kid in the back seat. Absolutely traumatizing. My mom always came up with an excuse as to why we couldn’t leave the house or leave dad. Made me suffer for many years of my life and I’m 28 years old trying to deal with the trauma it has given me. Please stop making excuses and leave. Get OUT for the kids. My mom never did and it truly has ruined my mental health.
CoraCricket
Wow this is way more urgent than everyone seems to be acting. It sounds like he's having some kind of psychological break, the paranoia and being convinced everyone is part of some conspiracy against him is not abnormal there.
Glittering-Try-3998
A good friend had a similar psychotic break. Her doctor said it was a rare side effect of weed, so she can't smoke anymore. You and the kids are in danger.
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
Top_Manufacturer_620
Hello, first of all thank you all for the comments, messages, etc. on my previous post. Obviously it got a bit too much to keep up with responding but I just want to say I really appreciate the help.
To give an update, I left the house the night I made the post, but went back home the following day. I wanted to be able to collect some sort of evidence I could use, because my spouse has been really good at downplaying his symptoms to any authority figure.
I want to mention that I had been present at most doctor and hospital visits prior, so I know what they did recommend for him. I felt at the time that they did not give him enough help for the crisis he was obviously going through.
Anyway, continuing on, the couple days after the Sunday post, he did not really engage in much conversation with me or our children. Every time he entered the room, I set my phone to record.
I did not get anything until Thursday, when he finally started talking to me again. He was questioning who I have been talking to about him and who has been trying to sabotage his life.
Obviously I denied everything, because there is no one talking to me about him (aside from this post, which he didn’t know about). This started to anger him, which included him yelling at me and saying if anyone is talking to me about him, to bring him to the house so he can “take care of them himself”.
I tried to not to engage any more. This made him more upset, as he was continuing to demand answers from me. He would then say “oh I want to hit you” or “don’t make me slap you” when I was either not answering or just saying I didn’t know what he was talking about. I got this on recording. After he ended up walking away and leaving the room, I took the kids to bed, locked us in our room and tried to sleep.
The following morning, he insisted on driving me to work. I told him I wanted the car, to which he disagreed with me and said he needed it. After dropping out kids off, he started going off on me about how I am stupidity, dumb, a b-word, etc. for keeping his “inheritance” (again something he is clearly having delusions about) from him.
I tried to disengage completely, keeping myself to far side of the passenger seat, which caused him to grab me by the back of my neck and pull me closer to him, where he told me to listen to him. I obviously reacted to this and was super upset, telling him to please focus on driving and not touch me again.
After he drove me to work, the last thing I said to him as he was still going off on me with the car window open, was “you desperately need help”. Once I got in, I called my boss and let her know what happened. She came in, cancelled her appointments for the day, and took me to the police station.
We made a report, although the sergeant we initially spoke to seemed to be against us making a report (he kept saying he will be homeless if I report him, like he’s the victim in this scenario).
I told him my safety and the kids safety should be more important, and he brought in a different officer to make the statement with me. Once I completed that statement, they let me know to stay away from the house as they were going to arrest him, and will call once he’s out of the house.
About 5 hours later, he was arrested. Apparently he was very compliant, and with all the information I provided, they actually took him to the hospital, and he is currently on a 30 day psychiatric hold. He will be going to court at some point for uttering threats and assault, but seeing how he doesn’t have a criminal record, I’m sure it will just end up being a slap on the wrist.
So as of now, I am home, safe with the children, and we are getting our locks changed. I will also most likely get a protection order, but in an ideal world, he gets better and that’s not necessary. I guess we will see in the future.
I want to again thank every one for their comments and assistance. A lot of you made some excellent points, and although I know some of my decisions probably seemed like dumb ones, I was trying to figure out the best solution logistically for us. Any other future updates will be on my profile.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
aturatedregulated
Your husband is starting a very long road, and a lot of mentally ill people struggle with keeping straight down that long road. I'm not saying you should remove him from your life, but I am saying you have the best chance of healing and raising unaffected adults if you do remove him.
Your love for him and the family you've built cannot sustain mental illness, and love is not all you need. Sometimes it becomes way bigger than you and the kindest thing you can do is bow out. I'm really sorry you're all in this situation.
sikonat
I swear to god I can' believe the police and that sergeant trying to talk you out of it. Gee I really wonder why she doesn’t go to the police. What a mystery. Good luck OP.
Top_Manufacturer_620 (OP)
It makes me extremely upset to think about how he reacted when I wanted my spouse charged, like I needed to do him any favours and not go through with it. I wonder if this how other victims are treated when they have way worse injuries and report it to the police.
RaiseIreSetFires
I'm very proud of you for taking the first step towards a new healthy life for your kids and yourself. To continue on this path you need to quit hoping for the best and start preparing for the worst. It's a long road but, you've shown the intelligence and fortitude to successfully see this through.
Four months later, the OP returned with another update.
Top_Manufacturer_620
My spouse is doing a lot better. He received the treatment he needed in the psych ward of the hospital, gets a shot every so often instead of taking pills, and only smokes cigarettes now.
He’s back to his normal self, engages in conversation with myself and our children like he did before this crazy stuff happened, has a job, and honestly, is being a better partner overall. It took a lot of time for me to feel like I could trust him again, but we’ve taken a lot of time to work on things and get back to how we should be.
I know a lot of people wanted me to leave and never look back. But you have to realize how he acted in my initial post was nothing like how he is as a person. Obviously he had some sort of weird psychosis happening, which could have been a result of a high intake of marijuana, plus a couple added stressors.
I don’t want to go into too many details because it will give away where we are, but basically something traumatic happened under 10 years ago that happened again a month before he started acting strange. It was one of those types of events that forces you out of your home for undetermined amount of time.
Anyway, that’s all the detail I want to go into that. Obviously he was affected by it more than I thought, because when this event happened, I was the one having a difficult time and he was my rock. But after we were able to go back home and have some normalcy, that’s when things started changing for him.
It started with him randomly needing to gain access into an old email, to thinking he was being recorded all the time like he was on the Truman show or something, to thinking that everyone (including me) was out to get him. This is when the threats of violence started happening.
I was obviously in disbelief because in the entire time we’ve been together, nothing like this has ever happened. I never once felt like I was unsafe. I never felt scared. Until the threats continued to come, and he started to escalate.
After he made excellent progress in the hospital and I had many reassuring conversations with the psychiatrist, I allowed him to come home when he was discharged. It was so hard not having him around, I cried all the time, our kids really missed their dad, and he really missed us. He needed to get help, and I’m so thankful I was able to find an effective solution.
This will most likely be my last update. I don’t really think I’ll need to add any other details, but again, I just want to thank everyone for their messages and comments, even the ones who called me an idiot lol.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:
Creepy_Addict
I only wanted you to leave if he refused to get help. He got the help he needed and seems to be back to his normal self. Just keep an eye out for any changes in behavior.
Top_Manufacturer_620 (OP)
I appreciate that. Definitely not letting my guard down if anything changes behaviour wise.
Sparkpulse
Needless to say, I am farting as I type this. "Blah blah blah blah blah, we can’t make our own unique content" was far funnier to me than it had any right to be. That said, I'm glad they were able to get to the root of the cause and actually find a solution that worked for him. This must have been absolutely terrifying for both of them.
crutlefish
The problem with health issues like this, is that they will always be there. There will not be a day where she doesn't wonder if the reaction she is getting is a standard reaction, or echos of the psycosis.
It's got to be brutally hard. I wish them the best, it's easier to climb a mountain as a team, and it looks like, after time apart, that is what works best for the both of them.
TatteredCarcosa
Him being willing to get help is great. Psychosis is always a nightmare but it's an even worse nightmare if the person, even when stabilized and lucid, doesn't want to continue to get help.