OP outraged spouse told their family they lost their job, 'now that's all they know about me.' AITA?
'AITA for being upset about my spouse sharing my job loss situation within a couple of days of it happening?'
Evening-Room-9619
I lost my job about a week ago under horrible circumstances. Essentially, it was a discrimination-type situation that had to be settled. My spouse has a large family scattered over suburban and semi-rural areas, and for some reason they believe it’s not an issue to share particular personal things with family as my spouse.
They told family members (think uncle, aunt, cousin) to whom I barely talk pretty much two days after it happened. These family members are very surface-level with me. I felt really hurt that they shared my job loss so quickly because of how embarrassing it would feel to have tens of their family members having that as the first thing come out of their mouths when they see me.
Mind you, many of these family members were disapproving of our marriage, and many of them are people that I barely know anything about. My spouse is constantly upset that I’d like certain personal things to be kept private, like the exact name and location of my workplace, compensation rage (which can be inferred from knowing where I exactly work), or having this traumatizing job loss shared so soon.
On the flip side, these people do keep some stuff secret. I might know what kind of work they do but not exactly where, I don’t know more personal info about them, etc. Also, my spouse just seems to not comprehend that whatever depth of intimacy they have with some of their family members is not automatically “inherited” via marriage.
If I don’t know them that much, I’d rather keep a certain distance until some sort of familiarity builds itself over time (unless it’s an emergency or something). This attitude of privacy is one I would also have with my own extended family members, and I haven’t told my own family yet either. (And it goes both ways: I don’t like gossip and knowing things about other people that they wouldn’t want me knowing, etc.)
When I explained how I felt like it was unfair and that I didn’t have time to recover from this major humiliating phase in my life. They got upset because I’m “restricting” their “freedom of speech”.
I found it extremely weird that anybody, including a spouse, would feel entitled to sharing intimate info about me. My best friends that I’ve known for years wouldn’t do it. My mom wouldn’t do it. And I no longer speak to my dad because of this.
For context: my spouse is a US born and raised citizen. I’m not. I did not grow up in the US. I also have a tendency to be a very private person and I do not typically volunteer information.
Note: their main rationale was that it’s something that happened to US, not just ME. I found this absurd. I honestly felt like I was being guilt-tripped for feeling deeply embarrassed. Who’s the AH here?
Here were the top rated comments fro readers:
Raccoonsr29
NTA. The fact that your partner doesn’t respect your privacy and defending it with the corniest fucking line on the planet, “muh free speech!” is really…concerning. Are they inconsiderate of your feelings and boundaries in other ways?
Because that’s an insane rationale for treating your partner poorly. Just because you CAN put everyone else’s business out there, you shouldn’t want to or feel like it’s some inherent right. Extremely weird behavior.
Also, yeah, there’s free speech as a general concept but the first amendment right to free speech just protects you from government suppression/consequences. Not your partner determining that you are an a**hole. You’re not siccing Joe Biden on him. Weird, selfish, and also ignorant, an unappealing combination.
The OP responded here:
Evening-Room-9619
I felt the same. I wrongly thought it might be some sort of American thing, but they have this “freedom”-oriented attitude with many things. They think my desire for privacy is abnormal. I don’t get it. I’ve known other people to get p*ssed about me requesting certain personal things not to be shared. I just don’t understand.
WholeAd2742
NTA. Your spouse is an extremely insensitive and abusive AH. They clearly don't respect you or value your privacy. Get out of this toxic relationship.
The OP again responded:
Evening-Room-9619
The only question I had in my mind was: how much privacy is too much privacy?
bboru2000
NTA. You are entitled to keep things private that you want to keep private. You’ve set those boundaries with your spouse, and she should honor them, just as she would expect you to honor her boundaries. On the “freedom of speech” issue, so many Americans really have no clue as to what that means that it’s ridiculous.
FOS ensures that the government can’t imprison or otherwise infringe upon your liberties as punishment for speech it does not like (hate speech notwithstanding). It does not mean you are entitled to say or share whatever you want without consequences.
majesticjules
ESH He isn't respecting your wishes. Like not giving them details about your job if you don't want to share. But it's normal for families to share what's going in their lives and needing to ask your permission to share any detail of his life with you is going to far. Talking to family about what is stressing them out is perfectly normal.
The OP again responded:
Evening-Room-9619
Except this is not just something stressing me out. It’s a major traumatizing event.
majesticjules
So your husband isn't allowed to be stressed about losing your income?
The OP returned again:
Evening-Room-9619
That’s not what I said. I said that I don’t want them sharing that so quickly with family members who will do nothing to help us and simply spread that info as gossip. Sharing with their mom, understandable. I also told other immediate family members of theirs right away, especially those impacted due to insurance benefits so we could plan accordingly.
But extended family members who can’t help in any way, why? (And this is not an assumption. This is firm knowledge, and this is also a family member that was at odds with their mom until recently.)
blueavole
NTA- no this is not an American thing. Some families, some people live to get and spread stories. It makes them feel better about themselves. I don’t like talking to those people, because if they give you that info—. They will certainly spread your info just as wide.
Not all gossip is bad. If people use it to be kind and supportive. Offer to make dinner or take you out to lunch. There are may ways to support people! But it doesn’t sound like that is what your husband is doing.
The OP then provided a final update.
'Update'
Evening-Room-9619
My spouse said such a privacy request is NOT a boundary because I can’t control what they say or don’t. I then retorted that this is akin to saying not cheating isn’t a boundary and they started getting semantic about it. Apparently a “boundary” is only something they can’t do, whereas other stuff is more of a “preference” or a “deal-breaker”.