Terminally ill man wants to break up with love of his life so she can be happy. UPDATE
"Should I tell my gf I’m dying before I break up with her"
Glittering-Sea-4908
Basically as title says. I (25m) found out I have an illness that will kill me. It’ll take over my body and there’s no cure. All the doctors can really do is prescribe sh*t to make you “comfortable.”
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and she’s the absolute love of my life. Always loyal and there for me. I’ve been in and out of hospital many times over the course of our relationship. Mostly due to me racing dirt bikes, the most serious incident was a stab wound and I remember how scared and screamy she got even though I just needed stitches and got to go home the next day.
This is not something where I can just go home the next day. I’m breaking up with her because she deserves to be happy with someone healthy who can give her the life she wants, and children. I’m scared she’ll want to stay if I tell her what’s going on.
Part of me wants to lie and say I cheated so she hates me and leaves. We have lots of mutual friends she’ll find out eventually it was a lie and connect the dots on why I did it. But thinking about her crying from that lie breaks my heart.
I don’t even know if this is the right sub to post it on. I just don’t know what to do. Break up with her and tell her it’s for her own good? Lie? Guess I also needed to vent because it just hit me this morning. I found out last week but it just hit. I won’t see 30.
For people who might be asking what my diagnosis and prognosis is, it’s pancreatic cancer, something like 95% of people diagnosed with die from in about 3 years. I wasn’t even paying attention for not putting that in the post at the beginning, that’s my bad but, as you can tell, I’m a little overwhelmed these days.
Symptoms (for those of you who might want to get tested:)
"Went to the doctors for a checkup because I was losing a weight despite my history of gaining/maintaining my weight. I work out 6 days a week and while I’m no pro athlete I’m by no means out of shape. Doctor blamed it on stress from work (which is true my job is stressful) and said I can follow up with a specialist if I want medication for the stress.
Went on with my life best I could but kept losing weight and everyone got worried. Went back to the doctors and they ordered blood work. Got the results which obviously were not good and got sent to a specialist.
While everyone thought the stressful job was the true reason, I was getting tested and scanned at the hospital where they (and I) realized I have slight jaundice. They then asked what my crap was like and I thought abt it and told them.
Apparently your poop tells you a lot more than just general health. Tests and scans showed I have a growth. Blah blah blah you’re now caught up to where I was told I have cancer and now we’re here."
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Psychological_Ad9872
If you love her, give her all the info and let her make a decision. Just because you are dying doesn't mean that you deserve to be alone. Her heart will be broken either way, so you can either fill your remaining time with good memories or you can waste what precious days you have left making your girlfriend sad because, "it's for her own good."
Christopher_Robinn
Yes. This is the most reasonable answer. Don’t lie and hurt yourself and her as well. It’s hard, and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. But she deserves to know the truth if she’s the one for you. Just lay it all out on the table. Sending you prayers and positive energy.
redskyatnight2162
Why doesn’t she get to decide what’s for her own good?
quesoandcats
THIS! OP this is a decision she *has* to make for herself. I know your heart is in the right place and you're trying to protect her from the heartbreak of losing a partner so young, but breaking things off without telling her will just give her a different sort of heartbreak and guilt when she inevitably finds out that you were concealing this illness from her.
The OP responded:
Glittering-Sea-4908
I realize how dumb I was being for wanting to lie to her. I made reservations at her favourite restaurant and I’ll tell her afterwards. Part of me hopes she doesn’t stay but we’ll see what she chooses.
6 days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: I told my girlfriend I’m dying"
Glittering-Sea-4908
Took her to dinner at our favourite date spot, had some amazing food and some drinks like always. The date continued like normal and we drove down to the beach and started walking till we got to our spot. She spoke first and said that she could tell there’s something I want to say because I have “that look” on my face.
She then made a joke about how it’s too soon for us to get engaged so if there’s a ring in my pocket it better say there. This made it so much harder, she thought there was a ring in my pocket when I’m about to tell her there never will be. Absolutely broke my heart.
I told her she’s right there is something I want to say, and I told her everything. From how I found out to what the diagnosis means to the prognosis. I made sure to not sugar coat it or leave anything out. She deserved to know everything.
For the next hour it was a mixture of asking me if I’m sure and how could this be possible and crying. She immediately said she’s going to stay by me and I don’t need to worry about anything. I told her she needs to take a few days to think about it. I had already arranged for her best friend to be waiting in the other parking lot to take her to her house. I went home alone.
Before anyone calls me names for not driving her home, I didn’t want her to be alone after finding out but I also didn’t want her to see my cry. If she saw me tonight she’d get more scared. It would hit her that I’m terrified and she’d lose her sh*t. I got an update that she fell asleep because she cried so much. I sent an Uber eats of her favourite dessert to her friend's house so it’ll be there when she wakes up.
As soon as I’m done typing this I’m meeting up with my 3 closest friends to hangout. I’ve known two of them for 20 years and the other one for 18. We are very close and share too many TMI details. If anyone has suggestions on how to break the news of this to them I’d greatly appreciate it. In the meantime I’ll be drinking for two; me and this bast**d cancer 🥃🥃
"EDIT: Same Post, Next Day"
Glittering-Sea-4908
Thank you for the kind words. Couple things to add:
1. I’m in Canada so I have free healthcare I’m not worried about the cost of fighting this.
2. I still haven’t seen my girl as she’s still at her friends house. She’ll text me to ask how I’m feeling and gets mad when I say I’m fine or make a joke.
3. TELLING OTHERS.
Couple things you need to know about my friends. Two of them are in medical school and the other in law school. They’re still idiots though. I started off by asking one of them to make a cancer joke, ending it quickly with “too soon man too soon” and that’s how my best friends found out I have cancer.
Medical school friends started telling me about new drugs and treatments while my law school buddy demanded to see my medical directives form and that’s also how they found out I’ve been an organ donor for years.
Parents: Still don’t know
Sister: Can’t even pretend to have a clue on how to tell her, I still see her as my baby sister so it’s tough lol
Boss: Asked for a one on one this morning and told him my diagnosis. He said he’ll help me abuse the companies benefits as much as I want. I told him all I really want is to show up to work like nothings wrong and no one will find out until I pass out at work. He agreed.
My daily is a 2022 R1 (blue crotch rocket for you non-motorcycle folks.) I love that bike and have been asked if I’ll stop riding due to this. Short answer is hell no. I’ve known I had something bad inside of me way before getting cancer, life goes on and so will I. I’ll do my absolute best to keep y’all updated if you’d like. Thanks.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update from the OP:
insertrandommoniker
Mate, I saw your first post… and firstly, you rock. You don’t deserve this sh*t. Secondly, I don’t know if you saw my original reply, but I was in your girlfriend’s position 4yrs ago. Please please reach out if you’ve got any questions or just want to vent. Keep making those happy memories my friend, big virtual hugs.
TheKittenPatrol
Ooof this one hits close to home as the person who was on the other side more than once. I’ve lost multiple people to pancreatic cancer. I’m so glad people talked sense into him and he told her.
Few-Session-2087
First, I’m really sorry you have to go through this, truly, you’re so young 😞 second, great decision to tell her everything, she deserved honesty from the man she loves. Allow her to be with you until the end, she won’t want to leave you now, allow her to support you and love you, don’t be alone in this, you don’t have to be.
The OP responded here:
Glittering-Sea-4908
Thanks. She still hasn’t really talked to me.
GaiasDotter
She will, you took your time processing this before telling her and that’s what she is doing now. Just processing it all. I love how you told your friends, that’s hilarious! They seem like a really solid bunch. You’ll get through this. There is no right or good way to tell people that you are dying. The dying part kind of prevents that.
It sucks, sorry you are in that position. You just have to make the best of it. Try not to push people away to protect them because you can’t. The only way you could have protected anyone is to not have any relationships in the first place and that ship has sailed. One of the worst parts of loosing someone is the regrets of all the opportunities missed.
The best thing you can do for your loved ones is to let them be there as much as they want and can. Otherwise they might have to live with the guilt and the regrets of not doing enough or being there.