Pregnant girlfriend evicted after gambling, theft, and financial lies; father fights for custody of son. UPDATED 3X
"AITA for throwing out my pregnant girlfriend who won’t pay rent?"
ThrowRA5758484
Long story short, my girlfriend and I have been living together for around 10 months. When she first moved in she insisted on paying rent and I was reluctant to charge her if it didn’t work out but she forced it and paid a month.
Then I found out she’s struggling for money, unable to pay for things, is in a lot of debt and lives month to month. She agreed with me that she’d start when she clears the debt.
Fast forward to Christmas I find out she’s been stealing my clothes to give to her family as gifts (another post on here). She lied for 2 weeks blaming me until I showed her footage of her taking the things from the camera in the living room (to watch the dog when I’m out).
I later then discover through letters and texts I’ve seen appear on her phone she’s been doing nothing to pay any of it off, so I confront her. She tells me and shows me messages that her mother and sisters constantly guilt trip her into giving them money and have for years.
They’ll message her on pay day asking for it and she feels bad saying no, despite non of them ever paying it back. Her mum alone owes her over £6000. She has taken a ton of loans out for her family and they leave her with the debt and don’t pay it back.
Luckily her credit is now at the point where nobody will loan to her but she still tries and does it for them. I also find out (I went through her finances, yes I shouldn’t have but something wasn’t adding up and I was being lied to) that in the space of 20 minutes she spent £300 on gambling sites.
All during this time she isn’t paying a penny towards rent, bills anything. She’ll occasionally buy food shopping or trips out to Starbucks. I tell her enough is enough and she needs to start paying her way. If she can give handouts to her family and gamble she can pay for where she lives and she’s taken me for a ride when she should’ve been saving and clearing debts.
I make roughly 5x what she does but I’ve been fair in that the bills are split proportionally to income. She’ll earn £1400 per month and pays £600 which includes rent and her share of the bills. I take on the rest which is substantially more but I believe it’s not fair to take more.
On the 1st of this month she tells me she can’t pay rent. She says she’s paid out too much on our trips to Starbucks, food shopping and I’ll get it when I get it but she doesn’t understand why I need it this month when she’s lived for free the past 9 months anyway.
I’ve asked her to explain where her money has exactly gone but she tells me I’m controlling and it’s non of my business. In fairness she will pay when we go food shopping but rarely in comparison to me.
I’ve kicked her out as of yesterday and told her she needs to find somewhere to live. She is however pregnant and she’s using that card as a way to guilt trip me and make out I’ve thrown out her and my child onto the streets.
In my opinion she is taking me for a ride and prioritising her family that is using her over her own family she’s started? What’s the solution here to getting her to see she’s not treating me fairly?
The OP then provided an update:
ThrowRA5758484
I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum early last week. I explained to her that we are a family, and became a family when she decided to have a baby with me. I told her if we’re going to stay together she’s going to have to be a lot more open, contribute and no more taking on debt she can’t afford which brings it to my door when she can’t pay.
I also told her I want to see her bank statements because I suspect she has a gambling problem and is in some serious debt. She agreed to all of this and committed to showing me the bank statements when I ask and says going forward she’ll pay towards bills. I believe she’s turned a corner and start getting along with her better and she moves back in.
As I was sat next to her phone last night when she went to grab a drink her phone lit up with a text message. It read “loan accepted by X lender, click here to accept.” I immediately called her out and she starts crying telling me she has no money left again for the month and she’s had to resort to payday loans for some money. I tell her she should’ve have come to me and tell her I explicitly said no more loans.
She also tells me she won’t be able to afford to pay towards bills again. She works full time and brings home around £1400-£1200 a month dependant on hours but a lot of the time she phones sick so gets sick pay which is a lot less.
I ask to see her bank statements and she refuses telling me I’m being controlling by asking when she’s told me and I don’t need to see them. That’s the last straw for me. I’m almost certain she’s been giving it away at this point again or gambling. I give her a scenario: “Your baby is starving and needs food and there’s non in the house, what are you going to do.”
She replies “you’ll have to pay.” That’s fine I’ll happily support my son I tell her because the mother is clearly a deadbeat. So I ask to see her Facebook Messenger to see if her family have been hitting her up for free money again and conveniently all of the family members that borrow from her have the chats cleared (she says she deletes them to be tidy, yet mines still there).
I told her this isn’t going to work and she tells me I’m a controlling freak basically and she agrees and I’ve not heard from her since. Moral of the story is she’s too damaged from her upbringing I’m guessing and some people you just can’t change. She still messages me asking how I am but I’m sjust ignoring her except from anything baby related. I need to move on.
I know a lot of people questioned whether she’s pregnant, how stupid I was to get her pregnant (I agree) and if it’s mine. I’ve been to every scan so I know she’s pregnant, as for if it’s mine I’ve never suspected cheating but she’s a serial liar so I will be forcing a DNA test through the courts.
I posted on a couple of different subs to make sure I wasn’t getting biased opinions. The above story is 100% true (I wish it wasn’t believe me) but my focus is now getting as far away as possible from her for my own sake.
The OP then returned with one last update:
ThrowRA5758484
After a couple of weeks of learning she was sleeping around on family members or friends sofas I allowed her back into the house given that she is pregnant. Around a month ago. Out of concern for the baby really given she’s now 8 months pregnant. Stupid on my part and I’m now going to explain why I regret it.
I’ve recently moved house (a couple of months ago) and she was involved in the packaging and unpacking whilst I was out. Mainly unpacking. I had a pretty large stack of cash in the drawer of a cabinet in living room. Around £400-500.
This was a Christmas gift from my parents. During this time I also sold a lot of old furniture including a sofa which she begged and begged for me to sell it to her mother.
I begrudgingly accepted this. She told me her mother had asked to borrow the money from her repeatedly to buy it from me and asked if she could pay a couple of weeks after she took it. No biggie, that’s fine I tell her.
Her mother collects the sofa, giving me £100 cash initially and tells me the rest will be with me in a week. A week comes round and she tells me it’ll be next month but she’s not happy as it’s collapsed and I need to come take a look.
I tell her it was fine was she collected it and I’m not taking a look. Basically if you don’t want it I’ll collect it and sell it to someone who wants to pay. She tells me I’m not welcome in their house. My girlfriend (ex) told her there was nothing wrong with the sofa at all when it was collected and her mother tells her she’s also not welcome.
My ex then flips it onto me telling me I’m controlling and she didn’t need to get involved to fall out with her family. I didn’t make her but I told her it showed where her priorities lie when she’s defending them and not wanting to get involved over them screwing me over. It was left at that.
Back to the money, I went to see where the money went and searched the entire house. It’s not there but everything that was unpacked was there, even pointless stuff like a blown light bulb was packed and unpacked. I ask her where the money is and she immediately gets defensive. Tells me “it’s somewhere” and immediately I think “this is all the same answers as last time.”
It then dawned on me that the money I was gifted, was in £10 notes and the money I was part paid for my sofa was also in £10 notes so my suspicion is she’s stole my money for her to hand to her mother to pay me. I’ve basically paid myself minus what been taken.
I confronted her and she replied “even if I did admit it to try and sort things, I don’t care about you anymore anyway so I don’t need to.” Probably makes sense why she was trying to take a loan out roughly the same time she would’ve taken the money.
So there we have it, I let her stop for a while and this is where it’s landed me. Her stealing again. Whilst I have no solid proof whatsoever it could only be her that took it and if everything else got unpacked then she’s certainly took it.
Shes now threatening to out me to people for who I really am (a victim of theft I guess?) and she’ll tell everyone how awful I am and not to bother contacting her. I’ve thrown her back out again for the very last time and I’m just relieved.
Not sad at all. Whilst I have no proof her reaction is all the proof I need. Now I’m forcing a DNA test at birth and will fight to make sure no child of mine is brought up in a family like hers. She is poison. People like her don’t change. They just take more.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Glass_Ear_8049
Dude your life is a train wreck. You will be forever tied to this mess.
One-Rogue-Star
At what point did you think, hey let's get pregnant. Horrible situation.
VirgoQueen84
Right! Why if you’re already funding most of her life would you impregnate this woman! You both sound irresponsible AF.
PapiKeepPlayin
Your Ex and her family are all nuts. Well, this is a lesson learned for you, never load money to shady people who give empty promises in paying you back and are in debt problems themselves. And to never give second chances to thieves and liars.
It's a wonder how some people can go on living and they're horrible human beings stealing from others. NTA for kicking your thieving Ex out. Let her weasel her way onto someone else's couch. I bet she'll be couch surfing for a couple of years.
Sadly, you're tied to her in some kind of way for life assuming that is your kid. But make sure to get that DNA test cause you can't trust the words of a liar. And in some hopeful scenario the baby isn't yours, then it'll be a celebration because you won't ever have to deal with her then lol.
Two months later, the OP returned with their final update.
A couple of months (approximately) after that post she have birth. Faced with either my (potentially) newborn son being in a house with her family who act abusive/violent to each other and smoke in the house, I made the decision to move her back in for a few months maximum whilst she finds a property that's at least suitable.
It's not something I wanted to do but this is a time when he needs his mother around him and I wanted my child in a safe and healthy environment. Many here will argue this was an utterly stupid decision which I can accept on the surface and this moronic idiot put me through hell for a long time already but I did what I needed to for the baby.
I went in with extreme caution. Personal devices locked down, money locked away or hidden in places she'd never think to look and generally just slept on the couch and kept out of the way.
It wasnt a good time and she seemed under the impression we were starting to form a relationship of some sort, which I very much corrected. I stated this was for him and ultimately you need to put some effort in to finding him somewhere. She agreed and told me she'd also use the time to prove now her son is here she's changed as a person. I didn't care either way, the damage was done.
First up, in the 4 months we co-habited she paid for nothing. I and my family bought the pushchair, cot, clothing, essentially anything the baby needed down to the formula. I stated this to her and she told me as the father it was my job to provide.
If I didn't the child would go without. Logged and noted as were the messages which I ensured we carried the conversation on over. I made sure to get a DNA test and a big part of me as much as I loved the child wanted it to be negative. I got a 99.99999% probability as the father.
Next up, she made zero effort over the 4 month period to actually find a property, meanwhile trying to convince my family I was being unreasonable in wanting her out as she just wanted a stable family after her upbringing and I was taking it away from her.
My family actually bought it for a period and told me I should just take the life sentence for the sake of the child as staying with her and her family meant the baby had no chance in life. I offered to accompany her to meetings with authorities to secure her welfare and housing she declined and told me she had it covered.
She continually pleaded poverty to my parents and they often bailed her out and questioned why I wasn't helping more. I simply replied "more fool you." There belief I was being unreasonable caused great friction and I decided to essentially ignore their input from then on.
Friends and family gifted cash that was intended for the baby along with gifts and cards. I placed the cash intentionally in a cupboard with a battery camera hidden at the back.
Over a period of 3-4 weeks she took what ultimately amounted to around £200. Footage again logged and noted. I was catching her and building a case and she didn't even know it.
Month 3 and she's not contributing, still never has money despite being on mostly full pay during maternity leave and also point black says she's struggling to find somewhere yet again.
She takes the child out and refuses to tell me where, tells me my opinion on raising him is invalid and that I was a failure of a father. I tell her she has 3 weeks to find somewhere and she'll be thrown out.
She tells my family I'm being financially controlling and manipulative but they see straight through the lies. She doesn't take it seriously again. I'm also logging every time she says she can't afford to buy something even basic like wipes and I have to. She tells me family I'm a terrible father and she's doing it all. They believe non of it and essentially cut her off themselves.
Now into month 4 and I tell her it's time to leave. I tell her she is out and I do not care where. I tell her my son is staying but I have absolutely zero responsibility to her. She stalls for 4 hours crying and asks if I allow her to open up and show me her bank statements can she stay and sort herself out.
Now, this was underhand but people like her deserve what they give so I agree. I start voice recording the conversation. She opens up her banking app and I see 12 months worth of statements and 99% of her outgoings are comprised of 100s of transactions to gambling sites, casinos and loan sharks. Literally her entire monthly salary blown in days.
I check her credit score and it's in the 100s. I took photos, and gathered evidence of this. I told her if she was honest and open we could work through (obviously we wouldn't but this was being recorded) and she admitted to stealing all of the cash I'd suspected in the past and Christmas gifts. The statements also confirmed she's been claiming welfare for the child on the basis she was living as a sole parent.
It was then I told her I had what I needed and to pack up her things and leave within 30 minutes. She told me I couldn't put me child and her on the streets so I simply replied that a decent mother at this point would leave him.
She clearly wasn't gojng to as that's her primary weapon to try and get what she wants. She moves back in with her mother so unfortunately my son ultimately ended up there anyway.
Fast forward to today and she still sends me messages almost daily about how I messed her up, didnt deserve her and how she hates me. I don't reply I simply file the messages under the case I've been building.
I'm in contact with a family lawyer and whilst sole custody isn't likely at this point, building evidence over time alongside any evidence of neglect (smelling of cigarette smoke, inability to provide food etc) are all being logged and I will be taking action to ensure my son turns out nothing like her or her freeloading family.
We co-parent (which she's difficult about and often tells me I'll never see him again) and it's now my sole job to ensure he turns out the best as ultimately he stands no chance with her.
She still constantly requests I give her things so she doesn't need to "waste" her money when I have it already. I tell her in polite words to go eff herself. So that's where we are. Not a great situation but at least the child has one stable home.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's posts:
Just keep a record of every single thing. Keep your lawyer apprised of everything. I truly hope you can get sole custody. Your poor child.
Good grief. What a nightmare situation to raise a child in. You have my sympathies.
I like how you are handling things. It took you a minute but you got there. Your child is too young for any real damage done by the crazy lady to stick but hopefully by the time he’s a year or so, you will have full custody or at least primary custody so that your munchkin can thrive in a safe place.
Why did you let her leave with the kid? Kick her out and make her fight for custody.
Keep fighting for your son. You seem to be doing all the right things - building an ironclad case & making sure you are available for your son. All the best and I’m truly sorry that you have gone through this.