'I am traveling overseas to meet my online BF in a week. He just said he had to cancel.' UPDATED
"I [29F] am traveling overseas to meet my online 'boyfriend' [38M] in a week. He just said he had to cancel."
I met someone online through r/penpals about 5 months ago. It started off getting to know each other and it turns out we had a lot in common and were really compatible... I think its safe to say we fell for each other. It quickly turned intense and we shared every single intimate detail about each other.
We both were in serious relationships that fell through but some time had gone by for us. My 7 year relationship ended about a 10 months ago (5 months before we met) and his 4 year relationship ended 4 months before we met. We text all day every day and FaceTime for 2-3 hours every night save for maybe 1 or 2 nights a week.
He lives in Ireland. I live in the US. I found an incredibly priced flight to visit him. We were both so excited and maybe a bit rash, I booked the flight only after 2 months of knowing him. He told his family about me, shared photos of his family, and we planned all that I am going to do and see with him.
At 530 this morning I received a video message and a long text that his ex-GF was in a serious car accident and that he would have to cancel. I've begged him not to and I am trying to be supportive of what he is going through. So far at most I've only gotten that he will try. That he needs to sort this out. I'm freaking out in that 7 days I will be in a country where I don't know anyone.
Do I cancel the flight? I've been telling my friends about going on a trip (not really saying that I'm meeting somebody)... I have no idea what to do now. I feel sick. I feel like a fool. I feel like everything he said to me was a lie. What do I do?
TLDR; Online boyfriend has said he won't be there to collect me up from train station since his ex-GF was in a horrific car accident 7 days before I am set to arrive.
What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:
katastrophe1187 said:
All of this sounds super suspicious. I’d wager this ex-girlfriend 1) wasn’t in a car crash and 2) isn’t an ex. I’d reach out to him and tell him you’re really hurt he canceled after he knew you had booked travel, that his responses to you have raised some red flags, and that this “relationship” is no longer working for you.
Since you paid for the flight and Ireland is awesome, I’d suggest going and making it a solo adventure. Traveling alone can be very rewarding. If you decide to go, I hope you have a great time.
ChilledOutKite said:
In seven days you’re going to a country where you don’t know anyone... and have a fantastic time. We’re you planning on staying with him? Is there a cheap hostel you could book into instead?
If he has to cancel on you... don’t let that hold you back from having an awesome time with the money you spent and the time off you planned. Have a look at some stuff you can do by yourself. Ireland is a great place to visit! Who knows, he might get his act together while you are there. Right now you’re just dealing with shock - calm down, look for positives... take things as they come.
Landros said:
I'll be honest, his ex-gf being in a car crash a week before you come over shouldn't effect his ability to make time for you even if he was to go out and see her. From what I've seen of people in online relationships, there is often one party that bails approaching a meet up date as things are suddenly to become real. This is a big possibility but I'm not saying it's definitely the case.
I definitely wouldn't cancel unless you can get a refund. You could use the time to explore the country by yourself and turn it into a good, empowering experience.
She later shared this surprisingly positive update:
After my post I FaceTimed him to say my what I wanted to say and end things. He tried to get me to post-pone my trip and even tried to give me money to make me less mad at him. I told him whatever we had was over as I could no longer trust him. He cried which made me feel weird. I wished him and his ex the best and ended the call.
I went on my trip and had a top class time. The Reddit community really astounds me sometimes. I received a lot of PMs of suggestions of things to do and see and the trip to Ireland became a trip of a lifetime. In Dublin I did meet up with a very kind Redditor who showed me around the city and came with me to a bunch of museums during my stay.
I saw amazing sights, met a bunch of really cool people through my travels, and met a few really cute Irish boys. (; I learned a lot about myself on my first solo trip abroad. I am pretty self reliant and I did a lot of self reflection. This "relationship" was my first "serious" one after my ex and I split up.
I think in my desire for closeness with someone I ignored a lot of red flags and downplayed my self worth. I am now focusing on making real connections with people I meet in real life and have decided to stay away from anything long distance indefinitely.
My first night in Belfast I did message him after I had had a what was probably too many beers (damn you delicious Irish beers!) and he said he was sorry but it was what it had to be. It didn't really seem sincere and it extinguished any romantic notions I had.
Thank you to everyone who commented and PM'd me. It really made me excited for my trip and it was the best time!
TLDR; Online BF backed out but after some logistical rearranging I still went on my trip and had the best time ever. Glad I cancelled the bf and not the trip.