Woman complains that BF 'guilts trips' her, readers say 'it's not him, it's you.'
"I’m absolutely crushed and lost. I need kind words and guidance."
pastelyellowlover
It’s been a rough few weeks.
For Valentine’s Day, we went on a drive but I was too tired to go on a walk with him. He knows my health has been in the gutter lately, but still got moody and even suggested we meet up with his friend so that we do something. I told him that it’s Valentine’s Day and that I wanted to spend it with him. The rest of the day was okay.
A few days ago, we went on a trip to somewhere he’s been dying to go for ages. It involved a lot of walking and lots of public transport, which I hated because it was super loud and busy. I was overwhelmed and my feet were tired.
We had to get more public transport in order to get to his car to start the drive home, but he wanted to take more than what was necessary because they were trains and he loves trains and wanted to go on certain routes.
He offered that we only take what was necessary, but he was moping about it, so I said we can take the extra trains to shut him up. He immediately brightened up, and I told him that he’s happy because we get to do what he wants to do. I told him that he was being selfish.
Welllll, last night he decided to let out the resentment of his that has been building up towards me, and he revealed a few things, one of them being that when I snap at him, he has thoughts of breaking up with me (the last time he told me this was when I called him out on something else… sounds like he wants someone who tolerates his BS).
He told me that he nearly paid for a train to take me home by myself. That train would have been multiple hours long and I would have been travelling by myself in the dark.
He also told me that when I express regret over moving out of my abusive parents’ house and in with him, as well as feeling like where we live isn’t homely, it makes him feel like I’m “ungrateful” for everything that he’s done for me. Y’all hear that? Everything that he’s done for me. As if that isn’t the duty of a boyfriend in such a situation.
The whole situation is messy, but basically my uni called social services on my parents because of my younger brothers who are minors, so I had no choice but to move in with him. I have no other family and my best friend at the time majorly stabbed me in the back.
He proceeded to list everything that he’s done for me and how hard it’s been for him. For him. I pay half the rent with my student loan, help him with chores, help him make dinner, etc. I don’t just sit around for him to take care of me.
I don’t need him to take care of me. I’m not just an unemployed burden, I’m about to graduate in a few months. And apparently when I call him selfish it makes him feel like he has to “walk on eggshells around me”…
He also told me that when I wake up late (my thyroid is so messed up that I sleep 12 hours without meaning to, but he told me that he knows it’s not my fault) and he sees me half dressed (I literally just grind on my uni work in bed all day because I graduate soon, I don’t parade around trying to seduce him), it bothers him.
WOMP WOMP. He told me that I need a routine and I told him that I haven’t had one since I moved in with him, so he only wants to help with me one when I do something that bothers him.
And y’all, when I first moved in with him, processing everything I’d just experienced (including my parents stalking and harassing me) and dealing with my messed up thyroid wiped me OUT. And he told me that I needed to “pull my weight more”. That was the first time he’d ever made me cry.
I told him last night that I think he struggles with empathy (remember how he’s a self diagnosed autistic?) but he told me that he doesn’t think he does. Uhhh, so you’re just an ahole then? Although he told me that he never thinks bad things about me.
I told him that we need to have big talks to stop everything coming out like this and he said that he doesn’t have the mental energy for big talks. I told him that this is basically an unplanned big talk, and I’m crying, which neither of us want, and a big talk will stop me crying, at least. He said that it’d be hard because he’d have to sit and think about what he wants to say.
He also revealed that he’s apparently imagined that in the one he’s going to end up with since we were 15 (we’re high school sweethearts) but I think that was just his fear of abandonment kicking in and making him sweet talk me.
We hugged, we apologised, we exchanged “I love you”s, he told me that he’ll never understand my situation truly and that he knows I’m trying. But all of that didn’t stop the hurt.
So, yeah. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up in the middle of the night with the most awful stomach pain twice. At one point, I just cried. I sobbed again, my eyes still blurry from sobbing for an hour straight a few hours before, and reached out to hold his hand.
He held my hand in his sleep. He says he loves me and that he’ll always love me, even if we break up, but his behaviour is so confusing. Although yesterday he added me to his thing where if he dies, I get three months of his wage.
I think I need to look into how guys with autism think or something. I think I need to break up with him once I have a job after I graduate. I know we need couples’ counselling. I asked him if he thinks about how we can go to couples’ counselling before breaking up in his split second thoughts about doing so, and he doesn’t.
Which is good, because they really are just split second thoughts out of frustration like he says they are…But seriously? When he gets frustrated he’s willing to drop us just like that? This lonely, confused, worried, lost, heartbroken woman needs a virtual hug.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
kam0706
I’m not sure how old you are but it feels like you’re too young to be this unhappy with one another. I think you’re not very compatible but neither of you wants to be the one to break up as it sounds like that could leave you in a difficult position with perhaps nowhere to go…
The OP responded here:
pastelyellowlover
That is mostly why I don’t want to break up with him.
He’s told me that he’s scared that I’ll end up living with my parents again because of my regret (which is mostly caused by his behaviour, but I haven’t told him that) and that he could never live with himself knowing that I’d be back in such a situation.
And obviously, I would never go back there. So yeah, I’m very stuck. Although we lived with his mom before moving out together.
kam0706
Ok. That means you need to make an exit plan. Stop wasting time trying to change him. Focus on keeping things pleasant enough while you plan. You can spare some time, but you don’t want to just accept this relationship as a permanent life raft.
darkwitch1306
It’s not “his duty” to save you. If you’re ok to be a duty, you’re not ready for a relationship.
jaimewebb0218
Oh my goodness you sound insufferable! Hopefully he wises up and moves on! You’re an entitled brat!
Coollogin
I don't think the two of your are compatible. Can you find an apartment to share with a roommate? I think you probably need to be single for a little while so you can process everything you've gone through with your family and physical health and so on.
Pugooki
There is always someone on-campus looking for a roommate. You need to seek therapy and get yourself together. This poor guy is living a half life with you, and I want him to find someone more compatible and live a full, happy life. Work on yourself and your health before dating again.