'Calling me boring for sleeping early was the biggest mistake he ever made.' UPDATED
"Calling me boring for sleeping early was the biggest mistake he ever made."
Sorry for the length and if this is a bit all over the place, I wasn't sure what information was relevant. Tom and I have been together since we were 17 and right now we live together with my dad. I've recently been trying to sort out my sleep schedule so that on the days when I work, it's easier for me to get out of bed and I can get up early enough to cycle to work.
On weekdays, I normally get up at around 5 and if I'm working I will leave at 6 and on my days off I will go for a walk and do some exercise. In the evenings I try to have a shower and get ready for bed around 9pm so I can go to bed by 9:30pm.
I enjoy doing this as it makes me feel more rested, more productive and generally healthier. He is a night owl and doesn't go to bed until anywhere between 2:30 and 4am every night. This means he doesn't wake up until 10am at the earliest.
His sleeping habits don't bother me, and while it would be nice to go to bed together, I am happy with the way things are, especially as we both only work 2 or 3 days a week so this leaves us with plenty of time to spend together during the week. If his sleeping pattern is working for him, that's all that matters, I don't think its my place to try and change it.
He, however, does have a habit of making me feel bad when I tell him I'm going to bed. We have a large room to ourselves and all our consoles, his computer, our TV etc. are in our bedroom.
I ask him to go upstairs (there's another TV and he keeps his laptop up there too) for half an hour while I try to sleep and after I'm asleep he can come back downstairs and game or do whatever as long as he leaves the main lights off and keeps the sound off.
Normally when I ask him to do this he will sulk and last night he told me he doesn't think he can be with someone like this and that sleeping like this has made me "incredibly boring".
I would happily compromise with him and stay up later on the weekends to go out or stay in and spend time together but he works Friday and Saturday nights until 12 or 1 am.
And actually I do stay up that late anyway because he doesn't drive and so I drop him to work and pick him up. Whenever we get back after his shift he still asks me to stay up with him. Last weekend I thought we reached a good solution for the nights he works.
I said I would cook for him so when he came back he didn't have to spend time making food, and we could watch an episode of a TV show before I go to bed. That's all I can do before I can't stay up any longer. He seemed happy with that solution but we haven't tried it yet so I don't know if that'll work.
I don't know what to do, he really seems angry at me and I don't know why. I don't think its asking a lot for him to leave our room while I'm trying to sleep, and the only couple days I would be willing to stay up later he's already working.
I don't think this is something to break up over, because I feel that eventually we will both have jobs that are more similar in hours, but I don't know what else I can do to make him happy with our current situation.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He works 2-3 days a week, lives at your dad's house, and you have to drive him to-from work at odd hours... There are 3 good deal breakers right there, him being a jerk about your sleep habits is the least of his immature actions.
Are you guys in school at least? Also another thing to key in on is your changing your sleep patterns as part of bettering yourself, lazy SO's are going to try and derail this type of behavior. You do you.
What you're talking about is a difference is life expectations. You want a certain sleep schedule & activities & it sounds like he wants another. Would your ideal dream partner have a similar schedule as you & do the things you want - biking, etc?
If yes perhaps it's time to try finding the right guy that fits you better. Your bf is basically saying he doesn't care that you feel refreshed, healthy, & productive with this schedule. Instead, he's not being entertained by you so you should be at the mercy of his whims. Sounds pretty inconsiderate & selfish.
You came here for advice but you keep saying that you are feeling guilty over making normal requests or that it isn't that bad. Well, it is. And since you keep saying that you aren't that much better and mature than him, I think you have some self esteem issues.
Two and half years later, the OP returned with an update.
So my original post is years old now and I wouldn't say it was that popular but I was looking at my post history and can't believe I posted that, it seems like a lifetime ago. I was completely oblivious to all the problems in our relationship and I refused to leave Tom even though it was very clearly the right thing to do.
I broke up with him maybe 6 months after I posted but we got back together even though I was moving to another country to teach English for a few months. While I was away he hardly ever spoke to me, never asked me how I was and grew increasingly disrespectful to me. I came back home early because I felt bad leaving him for so long.
We had plans to move overseas together but he was getting cold feet saying he didn't want to leave his best friend. I broke up with him again and decided to move overseas by myself.
It was terrifying to be alone after being with Tom for so long but it was 100% the right decision. Turns out he had started sleeping with his best friend while I was overseas teaching English. Also turns out I'm a lesbian, so there's that.
Tom still lives at my dad's place and works the same job, I've just bought my first flat and I'm having a wonderful time living overseas and being truly independent. I have grown so much in the last few years and done things I could never imagine doing while I was stuck in a dead end relationship. I know now that being alone is so much better than being with someone who doesn't love you.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
The audacity to call someone boring when all you do is game 😳
So proud of you!! All of that plus moving to a different country? That’s really great and I hope you’re much happier now.
He still lives there!
Really pleased she is thriving without this guy, but also why is her dad letting this loser who cheated on his daughter live with him for very minimal rent?!