'AITA for going to my birthday dinner without my husband when he wasn't ready on time?' UPDATED

"AITA for going to my birthday dinner without my husband when he wasn't ready on time?"

It was my (40 F) 40th birthday a few days ago and we had a reservation for a table at a nice restaurant for 7pm. It takes about 20 minutes to drive to the restaurant so I planned to leave the house at 6:30pm to build in time for traffic and picking up my father.

My husband (43 M) had decided to do a bit of work on his car about half an hour before we needed to leave. At 6:30 when the kids and I were waiting by the door, he was still doing it.

He hadn't changed and hadn't showered. I told him to quickly get ready, but it got to 6:50 and he still wasn't ready yet so I decided to just leave without him.

He has a habit of always running late when we go out and he is always the last one to be ready.

Normally I can tolerate it since it only sets things back by ten minutes at the most, but my birthday dinner was important to me and I had been looking forward to it for weeks.

Making us wait for 20 minutes was taking the mick, so I yelled out that we were leaving and left, because I didn't want to lose the table, since we would have arrived about 7:20.

I called the restaurant to let them know we would be late and we luckily still had our table, but my husband didn't show up at the restaurant and when we got home he was mad at me.

I told him that I was tired of him not respecting my time and always making people wait for him, and that he could have made his own way to the restaurant. My father agreed with my decision to leave without him, but my kids were a little upset that he wasn't there to have dinner with us. So, AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

extinctdipolocus writes:

NTA. You were already late when you left. If you waited any longer, you wouldn't have a table and thus no birthday party. When you got home, you should have torn him a new one for deliberately trying to sabotage your birthday party. Put him on the defensive, where he should be, for his behavior.

Really, though, when your husband decided to do some work on his car, you should have said, "No, you're not doing that. You're going upstairs and getting ready to leave with us." This was a totally predictable problem.

In general, you should stop tolerating his lateness. When you do that, it gets worse, not better. ETA @ 20 hours: further information from Op's later comments...Husband used to be on time. Op was a SAHM and this started when she went back to work. Husband is still never late to work or to any of his own events.

MY CONCLUSION: This behaviour is not related to ADHD or anything similar. This lateness is deliberate enemy action.

effectiveseveral writes:

NTA. Tell him clearly that from now on, you are going to tell him when you plan to leave. And you don’t care what he’s doing at that point, because if he isn’t ready to leave you are leaving without him. And then do exactly that. And if he gets upset, tell him that he was well aware of what was going to happen.

And then the next time the two of you plan to go anywhere, tell him exactly when he needs to be ready by and that you are going to leave at that time. And then whether he’s ready or not, leave. After a few experiences like that, he is sure to catch on that you mean what you say.

By the way, how does it work when HE has an important event to go to? Is he somehow magically able to figure out how to get out of the door on time when it’s an event that is important to HIM?

skikilll8 writes:

NTA. Not only NTA but my hero. Your husband disrespectful to not keep an eye on the time to attend a fortieth birthday party for his wife that other people would be attending.. I don't know how you put up with it.

I would make it a habit to remind him half an hour before you have to leave and tell him we are leaving at x time whether you're ready or not. Because who has time for this crap?

And please teach your children being late is being rude. It shows a total lack of respect for the other person's time. It causes all kinds of anxiety throughout your life if you are unable to manage your time.

curiosity60 writes:

NTA. He made his usual power play to make everyone wait for him, on your birthday. Rather than lightening your load getting the family ready, he left all that for you to do.

He didn't HAVE free time to putter with the car. Yet he used that as his excuse to make yet another event all about him. When you went on ahead, he pouted and waited to attack you when you got home.

The whole thing was his creating frustration and delay for you. Then he had to steal any joy you got from your birthday celebration by unloading his anger that you didn't let him steal MORE of everyone's time as soon as you got home. He sounds abusive. Controlling events by frustrating others. Punishing your bit of autonomy and valuing your event by refusing to participate, then attacking at home.

In the comments OP gave this info:

It really upset me but I kept it inside because of the kids. I suppose it wasn't a huge surprise but I've come to terms with it since then. I talked to my dad about a bit which helped. I was a stay-at-home-mum until a few years ago.

He changed when I went back to work, although I don't understand how that would affect his time management, unless there's a different reason for him being late. It's normally things like he hasn't gotten changed or found his keys by the time I want to leave.

There was a time a few weeks ago where he decided to walk the dog and wasn't home in time. The kids are 13 and 11 so they can get ready by themselves, although the youngest needs help with tying his shoelaces.

However, I have to make sure the alarm is on, the doors are locked, the dog is fed and shut in his room, and get ready myself. It's a pattern regarding family plans. He's on time for work and his own plans like meeting his friends. Up until a few years ago though he was normally on time for everything.

I've brought it up multiple times before but nothing has changed. I do admit that I can be a pushover when it comes to waiting for him, but I'm sick of having to put other things on hold in order to check if he is ready and being late to family plans.

He was late for my mother's funeral last year, and after this birthday incident I've decided not to give him anymore leeway and start standing up for myself. Him being late for things only really started a few years ago and it's rarely this bad.

Normally, we only have to wait for 10 minutes max so it was something I could live with. I don't think he has ADHD. He was on time for things until a few years ago, with the occasional exception, and he is on time for work and his own plans that don't include the family.

My husband likes my dad, but the feeling isn't really mutual. My husband likes the restaurant, we went there for his birthday too (which he wasn't late for). Yes, the kids were upset because my husband wasn't ready and because I was stressing.

They thought he didn't want to spend any time with us. They have personally been let down by him when it comes to things like him picking them up from a friend's house.

About a month later OP came back with this update:

Firstly and most importantly, thank you so much for all the support and advice. It really means a lot to me. Since so many of you have helped me out, I thought I would give an update on how things have been over the past couple of weeks.

My eldest had a school football match last week, a few days after I posted my original post. I planned for us to leave at 5pm and, as per my resolution to not tolerate his tardiness anymore, left at 5pm without my husband since he wasn't ready.

Just like with my birthday dinner, he didn't show up. My youngest and I had a lovely time watching the match and supporting my eldest. He even scored a goal and his team won!

Last weekend I met up with a couple of friends to catch-up over lunch, and both my sons were going to their friend’s birthday party the same day. My husband was in charge of dropping them off since my thing began about an hour before the party.

I told him a week in advance, the day before and before I left the house, that he needed to get the kids to the party on time. I even followed the advice of some comments from my original post, and told him that the party began at 12:30 instead of 1pm, so that the kids wouldn’t be late if my husband wasn’t ready to leave on time.

At 1:30, I got a call from the birthday boy’s dad asking if my sons were still coming to the party, and I also saw I had a missed call from my eldest. My husband had not taken them. I rang him several times and he wouldn’t pick up, so I called my eldest and he answered the phone in tears.

He said their dad was doing work on his car again and when the kids asked him to take them to the party, he yelled at them and called them “whiny brats”. I said goodbye to my friends and went home to take my kids to their party. They were an hour late.

He didn’t care that the kids felt humiliated and missed a good deal of the party, which also meant that their friend was upset with them. Something inside me snapped and I decided I was done.

Your comments have put my marriage and my husband's behaviour into perspective and opened my eyes. I've had a look at some of the literature and such that some of you recommended, and have talked to my dad about what to do next. I spoke to the kids as well, about the very likely possibility of their father and I splitting up.

They weren’t completely happy with it, which is understandable, but they agreed that it was the right decision. They said they had felt scared of their father on several recent occasions and didn’t trust him anymore, which was heart-breaking to hear.

I haven't been happy for a while and neither have the kids I now realise. In addition to my husband being late or not showing up at all, there are other issues in our relationship and you have helped me realise the truth about his treatment of our family and given me the strength I need to put a stop to it.

I can no longer justify his behaviour or make excuses for him. Along with being late to my mother’s funeral, he offered no emotional support when she died, to either me or the kids, which should have been enough to make me seriously consider my marriage, but I'm glad it's finally happened now.

A couple of days ago, I told my husband how I felt and sent him my original post. To be honest, I have no interest in marriage counselling, I just want to move on with my life, but I suggested he look into therapy for himself.

I explained that it didn’t feel like he was part of the family anymore, and that our sons and I were struggling with the strain in our marriage, and I’m sure he has too. It's not a healthy environment for me, my sons or my husband, and I can't let my kids miss out because of their father's incompetence any longer.

I told him that I want a divorce, as I’m sure many of you predicted, which he accepted. He told me that he no longer wants any involvement in anything to do with the family and will move out ASAP. My sons and I will go about our lives, and the soon-to-be-ex-husband will go about his.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. You're all my heroes and I will be forever grateful. Thank you.