Wife beats cancer, asks hubby for 'hall pass' to hook up with coworker. AITA? UPDATE
'I am at a loss as to what to do with my (54M) wife (51F) request.'
My wife and I have been married since 2001 and together since 1999. She is the most intelligent, thoughtful, caring, loyal person I know, and I have always thought of myself as fortunate to have met and married her.
She is, even today, aesthetically beautiful and men have told her this throughout our marriage. She has always shot them down.
Earlier this year, she was diagnosed with uterine cancer, stage 1 and had a full hysterectomy. I was never concerned about the cancer, it was diagnosed early, dealt with quickly and she made a full recovery.
I took time off work to look after her after the surgery and all seemed well. There were some to-be-expected emotional instances on her part and although I am not an emotional person, we dealt with them together.
After her recovery, she was insistent that we start “living life to the fullest” and took a 10 day trip to Europe, followed by a trip to Belize. We also have a trip to the UK and Spain/Portugal later this year.
I am fine with these things, building memories and crossing bucket-list adventures off her/our list.
I also understand that these are a result of feeling fragile on her part. She also took up Yoga, Swimming and healthy cooking classes. I was fully onboard until last week.
Last week she came home from work and told me she wanted a “hall pass”. A one-time opportunity for her to have s*x with someone else besides me.
She said that since her cancer diagnosis her outlook on life has changed and she doesn’t want to be handcuffed from doing things she wants do.
She explained that there is this guy at her work that she has always had some attraction to. He is leaving the company and she will never see him again, so this is the perfect opportunity to sleep with someone else.
She said that I could say no of course but that she would “be mad/disappointed at me for an indeterminate amount of time and that it would be confirmation of my male toxicity and insecurity.”
I don’t consider myself to be toxic and if not wanting your wife of 20+ years to have sex with someone else is insecure than I guess I am insecure. I told her that I appreciated her talking to me about this but approval via coercion is not approval.
I also said that I do not appreciate her language in describing my, as of yet, unknown reaction to this very large issue that could affect the rest of our marriage/life.
I got up in the morning and she basically said that she was sorry for putting such a large decision solely on my shoulders and that to “help” she was taking the decision away from me.
She booked a hotel near where her coworkers are having a party/send-off for this guy and she would spend the night there, with him and hoped that I would be here when she got back. That she would answer any questions I have about the night after it happened but not before.
She will not tell me who he is or anything about him “because she knows me too well and that I will dwell and obsess over him” and that would make it “too real for me” which is pretty accurate.
Her POV is that the less I know the better which contradicts the offer to tell me anything I want to know after it happened. I think she knows I wont want to know/ask anything or she simply will not tell me.
Part of me thinks, at least she has been honest with me and she has been through a lot since finding out she had cancer so maybe I should just let it happen. I certainly have no concept of what she went through so I cannot dismiss how this affected her mental state/outlook on life.
Part of me wants to put my foot down and say this is not going to happen and deal with those consequences when they happen. Her BFF called me callous for even suggesting that I wouldn’t let it happen, because I have no idea what she went through.
I find it hard to believe that she is OK with the possibility of throwing away 20+ years of marriage over some guy that she has had no relationship with outside of work and that I should just call her bluff.
Maybe she thinks similarly that I won’t throw away the marriage because of one encounter. I just don’t know what to do. I empathize with her and then an instant later I am angry with her.
Part of me wants to know who this guy is? What does he look like, what has he got that is so enthralling for her. Is he just a safe option? Is he married? Does his wife know?
Would I be a callous asshole for saying No? What can I do besides walking away?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
This is sad..
I'd tell her this.... Let me be clear, you have taken away no decision from me that is mine to make. You are free to decide to abandon your vows on your own. Your willingness to preemptively insult any negative feelings I might have about this is a clear indication that you are all out of f*cks to give where I'm concerned.
Let's just say that 'I hear you'. My announcements of my own decisions will be forthcoming on my own timetable. Oh, and just so you cannot ever argue to the contrary, you most certainly do not have a hall pass from me.
I will consider cheating to be cheating, and more so because this is willful and pre-planned.. it's cheating in the first degree. While you may think you get moral credibility for honesty, that's not how that works. You don't credit for being honest, you just get dinged for being dishonest.
Kinda think this is the way your marriage will be from now on. With her epiphany, she wants to relive her life and she is going to do it regardless of your feelings. I think she is being rather selfish and probably only threatens this because she thinks you are beaten down and will simply put up with it.
Perhaps not the best time for trips and frills. She wants the single life- let her see what that means.
My dad was diagnosed with Cancer last year. Instead of wanting a hall pass from my mom, his wife of 30 years, he wanted to spend time with family more.
Just because she got a diagnosis doesn’t excuse this. If she is asking for a “hall pass”, I would “expelled” her and move on from my life.
She is gaslighting you by saying she is “disappointed”. If she is speaking this into fruition, she WILL do it. She gave you a heads up.
I’m sorry.
You're not callous or insecure - changes to the marriage requires two yesses, and if there's one no, either that item doesn't happen or you get divorced.
Unfortunately, your wife has decided that she wants to be single and is doing this so you will leave but she won't take the blame of being the one choosing to end the marriage because she gave you a heads up first. That's why her friends are on her side about it.
Four days later, the OP returned with a heavy update:
'Update my cancer survivor wife wanted a 'Hall Pass' UPDATE'
I received a ton of advice that I couldn't possibly respond to. I do appreciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM. It has been an exhausting couple of days.
I was hoping that my opposition to her plans would give her pause, but unfortunately that did not happen. I said I am a hard no, and I am not sure how I will feel about you, if you go ahead with it.
I was met once again with “this is for me, it will be one time, what can I say to help you deal with it, you’ll get over it, we were meant to be regardless of the situation” remarks leading up to Saturday.
She left Saturday, ostensibly to meet her coworkers, but in reality to f*ck the guy. I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did I asked her if she was really going to go through with this.
After her response “I am not answering anymore questions tonight, I will see you tomorrow.” I blocked my wife. Then I did something either stupid or brilliant.
I went to the bar where the get-together was happening. Well not the bar but a transit bench across the street. I waited for a long time.
It was running through my mind, leading up to this event, that I need to know who this guy was. Maybe to compare myself against him, to see what he had that I do not. It was driving me crazy not knowing who he was and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for.
After what seemed like an eternity, a woman that I recognized from my wife’s office left the bar and got in a cab. Soon other people started filing out and a whole group came out and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand.
I assumed that I had my guy. I didn’t see my wife and had a brief thought that maybe she called it all off. I unblocked her and there were no messages.
Everyone said their goodbyes and left. Dude was standing outside for a few minutes and then my wife came out. She looked around, took his hand and they started walking away together.
Of all the emotions I went through, trepidation, sadness, anger, it was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me. This guy was short, fat, and bald, all the things I cannot compete with.
Ultimately, I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance. I followed until they got to the hotel, and then turned around and went home.
I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door. I moved her things to the spare room and left a note asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible. I visited another friend who is a lawyer and he gave me some sage advice and a couple of recommendations for divorce attorneys and made the introductions.
My wife had been calling me numerous time since around 11 or so. Once blocked the calls go to voicemail. I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction when she couldn’t get through to me and she was obviously becoming concerned.
I didn’t want to go home but I left in such a hurry that I didn’t plan an overnight properly. I got home around 9 and as per my buddy’s advice, I recorded the interaction.
I was halfway up the stairs when she came up from the family room asking what was going on? Could we talk? I thought we talked about this?
I just answered with 'I am not interested in discussing this tonight,' and went to bed. After not getting a response from me through the door she left me alone.
I feel kind of like a child for not talking with her and shutting the door on her but I just couldn't look at her. Monday I got up and ready for work, she was waiting for me and asked if we could discuss getting back to normal.
I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work. I have an appointment with the attorneys my friend recommended for this week.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
“You have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue”
I'm so proud of him! That last line was perfect, chefs kiss!
But she was doing him a favor by taking such a hard choice out of his hand! /s
That has got to be some next level justification.
This is one of the most infuriating BORU posts I have read.
Firstly, wtf was she thinking?
She said that I could say no of course but that she would “be mad/disappointed at me for an indeterminate amount of time and that it would be confirmation of my male toxicity and insecurity.
'to 'help' she was taking the decision away from me.'
How on earth did she think a unilateral decision to cheat on her husband go on to lecture him about how he is being toxic about it would work out?
She got what she wanted. I hope she is ok with the inevitable price.I guess she thought that she had him over a barrel.
But to make it even more infuriating - there is no conclusion. Omg OP you monster!
Edit to add: I realize now that I didn't read the dates of the posts. Given how recent this was, it is unreasonable to expect a conclusion when the OP is still right in the thick of it. My bad.
I agree with the commenter who said this is how his marriage was going to be from now on, and i do think he did the best thing to get a divorce. If his wife has a newfound sense to live her life, that's good for her i guess, and surviving a serious illness is definitely life-changing, but OOP has every right to walk away from this, instead of staying in a soon-to-be toxic marriage.
The casual disregard for a life partner of 20 plus years is shocking.
'I'm going to do this thing to betray you, I look forward to you getting over it.' That's not a relationship. That's not mutual respect and caring and understanding. Cancer sucks. There is no better way to put it. But it doesn't give you a pass to disregard the people in your life.
Show of hands who believe the soon to be ex wife is going to regret sleeping with the 'hall pass' from the office when she finds out how much better life was with OOP?
Her friends sound awful, too, who encouraged her to do it. To toss 20 years of marriage down the drain.