Wife finds out husband is cheating, falls in love with the spouse of his mistress. UPDATED 4X
"I've fallen in love with the husband of the woman my husband is cheating on me with."
Walrus877
My husband (M38) and I (F36) have been together for 10 years. We have one daughter who's (F6). She's everything to me. I found out a year ago that my husband is sleeping with his employee (F30). How? Her husband, let's call him John (M35) contacted me. He was heartbroken and he thought that I ought to know.
He provided me with text messages and dated when they've been in hotels. I recognized my husband's style and I recognized the other woman. I have seen her on multiple occasions when I visited my husband at work. She'd been nothing but kind and pleasant towards me and she always doted on my daughter.
I asked John what he wanted to do and he said that he wasn't sure yet, so I requested that we should meet. He agreed. I told him about my life and that I'm currently not working after the pandemic. I lost my job and now the economy; I haven't really had any opportunity to find job. instead I've been studying these past 2 years.
if I divorce now, I won't be able to provide for my daughter. That would probably put her in my husband's custody as a primary provider. I asked him if he could wait for a few months, hopefully longer. To my surprised, he agreed.
I thanked him profusely but he told me that he didn't know what to do either so he's happy to wait. Also, his wife, the other woman, has 3 children from a previous relationship and he was worried that she would refuse him being in their lives once he confronted her because he is not the father.
We kept in touch, however. He called me a few times a week and soon we started to talk about other things other than our failed marriages. Afterwards, we started going for walks, coffee movies etc. I found myself thinking about him often with a smile on my face.
He was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of before going to bed. For the last 3-4 months we probably mentioned our spouses one or twice. We talk about everything else and he always makes me laugh (he thinks I'm funny too :))
2 weeks ago we were having a picnic and he just blurted out "I think that I'm in love with you". when he then explained himself it just drove the point home that I also am in love with him.
he said that at first he wasn't sure why he was feeling like this towards me and explained it away as two jilted people finding comfort in each other but that he then realized that he wasn't broken anymore. that he even thinks of his wife's infidelity as a blessing because it lead him to me. that was exactly how I felt too. I didn't know what to say.
I told him that I'm terrified that these are false feelings that would go away once we've freed ourselves from those who hurt us. he just beamed at me and said he was willing to take the risk just to find out. he kissed my hand because I thought we were still married and if we did something then how are we better than our SO?
I don't know what to do now. I find myself daydreaming about him. about introducing him to my daughter. kiss him. wake up next to him every morning. I still have one semester left and then I'm probably going to find a job. I've already had some offers for when Im finished with my studies.
I have thanked John so many times for being so patient with me about everything. I appreciate that hes waiting for me to put my life in order before we expose our spouses who aren't really seeing each other as often as they used to do. he told me hes happy to help and he just wants a real kiss as a thank you when everything is over.
my goal now is to secure my job and leave this marriage. am I pathetic for wanting to give John and I a shot and see where it would go? can two broken hearts really find happiness together when their love story started like ours?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post:
CrumbOfLove
do a swapperooni
this is the perfect outcome
lemonlemon67
Go for it. I would love to see both of their faces when they find out you two are together. Why worry about them. They weren't their SO when they were having an affair.
tesslacoil95
You are absolutely not pathetic and I think it's wonderful something beautiful came out of a horrible situation. It's definitely complicated though and won't be easy, so I wish you luck. I hope it works out, op!
10 days later, the OP returned with an update that they say isn't an update.
"John and I have decided not to see each other anymore. (I am in love with the busband of my husband's affair partner.)"
Walrus877
Hi again! This is not an update. Since nothing new has happened in my life. But I’ve been feeling so down lately and my emotions are all over the place. Hopefully this post will help me sort out my feeling. I’m sorry if you find it confusing but this is how I’m feeling right now. Confusion. Also, I’m sorry, but it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride like my last one.
I’m still busy with my studies. Especially now so close to the holidays. Thereafter I’m going to have a break until January 16 and the start of my last semester. I have got two job offers. One with unpaid internship starting in April.
I like this job very much since I would be working from my laptop most of the days the other one is more of an in office job but with better pay. I don’t know how the custody arrangement is going to be but I feel like a job with more flexible hours is a better fit for me.
The reason why I’m writing now is that John and I met yesterday. If you remember my last, we decided not to see each other (at least not as often) since the “I love you” talk. We did good keeping that promise, but we still saw each other once since I wrote here and we continued texting and calling each other on a daily basis.
Yesterday we met on John’s initiative. When I got to the park, to our usual meeting spot, John was already there. He had flowers, coffee and cake (I love cake!) and he told me that we’re going to have a little celebration. He said that today was the day we first met a year ago.
Yes, it was. I remember that day very well, it was raining then too but it was much much gloomier. I remembered how broken and desperate I was. The feeling that my world had ended. We talked a lot about the progress we made and how much stronger we both felt now. He told me he loved me and it was all I could do not to just fuck everything and jump into his arms. He is so lovely.
When I got home my husband had already picked up our daughter and they were just joking around and having fun. I felt so much sadness and pure horror building up inside me. What am I doing? What are we doing? All of us? The guilt that washed over me seeing my daughters happy face playing around with her food. I couldn’t take it.
My husband and the other woman haven’t texted at all this month, and they haven’t met either or at least as far as John and I know. Of course, they work together so we don’t know if the affair has subsided or that they just have learned to be more cautious but my husband has been more attentive at home. Warmer and more present.
He says he loves me all the time and that he misses me. I haven’t been intimate with him since I found out about the affair and even the smallest touch from him irks me, and any beautiful word or compliment from him sets my teeth on edge.
I just want to scream LIAR and I feel like I’m cheating on John accepting my husband’s affection and the disdain for myself becomes unbearable(make this make sense! please!). I looked at my husband and tried to remember what I loved about him but I couldn’t.
All I could see is his texts to her, about how great last time was and what he wanted to do to her next. All the things he once said he wanted to do and did to me that made me feel so special. I tried to think harder about the love, but all I saw was John’s face.
I felt immense rage and hatred towards my husband but also towards myself and John. My husband because he broke us and brought this mess upon us and myself because I felt that I wasn’t trying hard enough with my heart occupied with someone else.
Have I just given up so easily because I loved John? And my daughter? She is the one who’s going to pay the hard price of seeing her home break because daddy is a selfish, greedy cheater and mommy isn’t trying hard enough to save her marriage when she is pining for another man.
I couldn’t control my feelings of anger and resentment and guilt so I wrote John a long text telling him all this and more. He tried to call me but I couldn’t answer him. My heart was swollen in my throat. I told my husband that I wanted sleep in my daughter’s room tonight, something I’ve been doing a lot since this all started. I cried all night watching her beautiful face so peaceful and happy.
This morning John called me again and we talked for over an hour. He was very subdued and I heard the fear in his voice. He said he respected my wishes in taking a break from each other but also to remember that even when I was at my weakest I still knew exactly what I wanted and that I chose to stay to secure a future for myself and my daughter “You’re too close now to your goal just to stumble and fall”.
He said he loved me and that he never felt like this before. And that he will wait. I cried for a good hour afterwards already missing his voice. I know that my marriage is unsalvageable and I that I’m doing the right thing leaving it even with the nagging feeling of guilt that’s simmering beneath the surface, boiling over every now and then waking me up at night but I need to do this alone now.
I want to look back with no regrets. The guilt will probably never going to go away entirely but at least it won’t have John’s face now he’s not in the picture anymore.
So that’s what’s been up with my life. I'm not staying in my marriage. I don't know if my English is this bad or if people don't bother reading long boring rants. I apologize for both but I'm floored because of the amount of comments and attacks on me as a person and a mother for "staying with my cheating husband"
Please tell me where did I say I was staying? I broke it off with John yes, but it wasn't because I'm going back to my husband. Again, WHERE DID I WRITE THAT I WAS STAYING WITH MY HUSBAND?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update:
paperplane25
Please, don't stay in a doomed marriage for the sake of your daughter. You and your child deserve more than an illusion.
ravenlyran
Why can’t you just divorce your husband?! You said: your marriage can’t be saved.
You deserve to be happy and at peace.
PeteyPorkchops
You aren’t the one breaking your marriage. Your husband did that the moment he fvk3d another women. Don’t let guilt tie you to this farce of a marriage any longer. You deserve to be happy.
A little over a week later, the OP again returned with an update.
"John has now left his wife (a short update)"
Walrus877
Hi everyone! I know! I had a dramatic episode last time I was here and swore not to update again but I'm a woman I can change my mind if I want to. Last time I was overwhelmed by the amount of comments and messages about me being a bad mother and I just couldn't take it so I freaked out on you but today I have a little update, it's not about me. It's about John.
John's mom is sick, she lives in another city about 7-8 hours drive away. John went to visit her and he texted me before going (he apologized for texting me because we weren't suppose to keep in touch anymore but he wanted me to know he was out of town). I drove over there on Thursday because it sounded like it was serious.
I arrived to the hospital around noon. He looked miserable. His mother isn't even old she is 58. My heart is breaking. I could only stay for an hour before heading back home. I feel so guilty leaving him alone. His sisters live across the world and they won't be able to fly home before Christmas.
On Friday, John came home and broke off his marriage. I don't know all the details but he didn't mention to her that he knew bout her infidelity. Just that he wasn't happy anymore didn't want to be married to her.
He texted me and thanked me for visiting him and his mother and told me about him filing for a divorce from his wife. He is moving back to his home town to be with his mother. He left yesterday but he will be back once more to get the rest of his stuff. Even though I understand him and even if I wasn't seeing him anymore, the city feels empty and gloomy without him.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's second update:
Mountain_Monitor_262
Thanks for the update. It was still nice of you to be there for him and his mom. Keep us posted because things are going to take a turn with your husband’s AP.
[deleted]
Very nice of you to visit them and show support. you are a kind person.
Total-Ad8346
You need to try and gather evidence if the affair resumed to help with divorce proceedings.
A month later, the OP again returned with an update.
"I have told my husband that I know about his affair abnd that I've been working towards leaving him for the past year"
Walrus877
I have understood now that the internet doesn't owe me politeness and people will say their opinion because I put myself out there and that makes it, I guess, ok for people to say hurtful things because I CHOSE to share my story.
I have learned that I could deactivate all private communication, so if you have something nasty to say, be brave and put it in the comments instead :), Although I'm hoping for less amount of negative comments this time since people were mainly angry that I was taking my time to leave my husband.
Thankfully, while my account is deleted I still, with some digging found my original posts. I have included them here to those who haven't followed my story. I'm still going strong with my studies, and as I said I have secured a job in April with decent salary that will increase with 30% once I graduate 2 months later.
I have also signed a lease on an apartment that is a few blocks away from my daughters school. You can't imagine the happiness I was in when I found the apartment but most importantly that they accepted my bad credit, having not had income for over 2 years now.
My new job contract and "reference" was enough, and I have to pay for 3 months ahead. I get the keys April 1st too! I still need to talk to a lawyer I just don't want to throw my money before it is getting closer and I need the help.
I have found nonprofit org for women that I could call and ask for information and advice. I'm not really in an abusive marriage but they have experience of all sorts of marital and divorce problems.
As I stated, since I found out that my husband was cheating on me, our sex life died. In the beginning my husband didn't seem bother about it, probably, no certainly because he had someone else, someone new but with time.
It has been over a year now and god it has been the longest and yet shortest year of my life. With time, he started to show me affection again, trying to get intimate with me. I avoided him like the plague.
He never pressured me but he was getting upset and I felt him getting frustrated. I think his affair had died out by then, or maybe it wasn't as fun and exciting for them? I don't know, I'm not an expert on affairs.
For over 2 months now he has been trying to open the subject of our non-existent love life but I just told him that I didn't have a drive, or that I was busy, this being my last year of my studies.
I have been able to keep him at bay and while my explanations and excuses were't making him happy they were good enough to keep him away, that until about a week ago when he wanted to discuss this seriously. I told him again that I was busy and that my intimacy is very low (it is), he said that it wasn't just that.
We had no intimacy, he barely is allowed to be near me, I never talk to him anymore, like I don't make an effort anymore. I asked him if we could just wait until after the holidays because I'm too busy (And I didn't want to ruin it for our daughter who loves Christmas). He then said something that triggered every nerve on my body.
Something like it was not healthy for a marriage when one partner neglects the other because then you start looking somewhere else. I just said that it wasn't true because he started sleeping with (her name) way before I started "neglecting him". He was in total shock.
First he tried to know more, maybe he misheard me, then he started to deny it, then made excuses, then started apologizing, then he started asking for details, and what my plans were. When I told him about me getting a job and an apartment, he started pleading trying to hold me.
Now this past week, he's tried to talk to me every day and I have been calm with him. He had so many questions. Why didn't I tell him before, at least he could have explained. She meant nothing to him. The relationship ended. He had no feeling for her. It was just physical. He loved me and nobody else. Think about our daughter.
He regretted what he did and that's why he ended it. Why was I not more upset? I told him that I had mourned us for a year and that I'm over it now. He still thought this was unfair because this is all new to him.
I told him about my job, my new place and I asked him to be patient with me and to think about our daughter and put her first in whatever is coming. He was so angry by that and told me that if I thought about our daughter for a second I would have confronted him there and then.
Be honest. We could have tried to fix it with therapy and some effort because he never loved anyone like he does me and he would drop everything else to try and make it right with me. But I chose secrecy, plotting and planning my life without him while pretending everything was fine (did I though?).
I started crying and begged him that however angry he is with me, not to take it out in a way that affect our daughter. I told him that I did all of this for her, I didn't want her to see us fight, I didn't want to leave without having the means to offer her a good life.
Now he is so angry with me all the time. He barely looks my way. He is still sweet with our daughter though and that is comforting. I sleep in my daughters room most nights. I never meant for it to blow up this soon but you can spend your whole time planning and preparing the perfect exit but life has never been predictable.
I don't regret my outburst. Maybe it was time anyway. I will continue communicating with him about the importance of staying civil to each other. He is angry now and he feels cheated and deceived and I get all that but I need him to put aside the hurt and think of our daughter, just like I did. And just like I did, he will get over the pain in time.
John is in the process of divorce too. He has moved back to his home town because his mother is very ill Im afraid His sisters live in Australia but they have both come home so it feels good that he and his Mother are not alone.
I have visited them 3 times since I heard the sad news but he lives far away so I haven’t be able to stay for long periods to support them. We talk over the phone every morning though. He is devastated.
No, I haven’t told my husband about John nor am I gonna. If by any chance John and I end up together, then everyone will know including my husband but we are not will telling my husband or anybody about how John and I met. We have decided that long ago when we were dreaming about our future together that we wouldn’t tell our exes how we met.
It is for the best for anyone involved. I’m keeping this promise. It is nobody’s business but ours. We don’t know what the future will hold. John lives in another town, 8 hours drive away. We haven’t talked about “us” in ages. We have a lot going on in our lives separately. All I care about now is his mom doing better or at least not suffering.
Here were the top rated comments after this third update:
Strong-Extension-976
You were secretive? While he was, what, open about cheating on you? Ughhh
I'm glad you are getting out of this soon. His audacity of putting the blame on you is mind boggling.
ragesadnessallinone
It’s called DARVO, what he’s doing to you.
Tell him he fucked around and found out, and to get over it.
[deleted]
Wow the audacity to be mad at you when he’s the one that slept with someone else. Smh.
Almost a year later, the OP returned with a final update.
"I don't know if you remember me from about a year ago (I fell in love with the husband of my husband's mistress)"
Walrus877
Hi everyone! I hope you’re doing well. I was here about a year ago with my story. 2 years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with one of his employees who was married at the time. A year ago, I was here telling my story. I deleted my posts but I found them all gathered in one post when I googled myself.
I will include my old story (on my bio) to anyone who doesn’t remember or know my story. Also the usual disclaimer that my English will suck and my post will be long and ranty. My apologies.
I have had the hardest year yet of my life even if not everything has been negative. I have a great job now with a great company and great and supportive co workers. I’m so thankful for that. I live now in my own apartment. That’s where the greatness ends.
Because it doesn’t matter how long you have known a person, how much you have trusted and loved them or how much you thought they loved and valued you, you don’t really know them before you hit rock bottom with them and my ex-husband (still legally married because he is still refusing to sign any papers) has shown nothing but cruelty and vindictiveness towards me and at times our daughter.
It is making me question why I have chosen to rock the boat. I thought I was doing all of this for my baby. I wanted to give her a dignified life and a strong role model in me. A happy and content mother to be her hero and yet she’s the one who suffered the most during this time.
When I told my husband about my plans to leave him, he was in denial at first which was bad but it was nothing compared to when he realized I was telling the truth. He used every mean possible to break me and dissuade me from leaving. He started with threats about taking full custody, then he took all my assets from me.
He got primary custody of our daughter and refused me to see her while court made the assessment that I was fit to have shared custody because he filed a motion that I was broke and suffered from mental illnesses.
I’m being treated for depression and ptsd I couldn’t see my daughter for 8 weeks because of bureaucracy and I thought I was going mad because of that even contemplating just getting back together with him to get my daughter back.
When I finally saw her I was awarded shared custody, she was so angry and broken. Telling me how much she hated me and how she wanted to be with daddy. He told me that my daughter hated me because I am a bad mother while I knew he was poisoning her mind.
Even when we had shared custody and she started to warm up to me again, she still had hard time loving me the first day after she’d been with her father until I win her back and she is almost her normal happy self at the end of the week before she is going back to his place and the viscious cycle begins.
He tried everything too not to divide our assets according to the prenup but that wasn’t any priority of mine. Even if I had to start from scratch, I was willing to give him anything not to make him angrier with me that he takes it out on our baby.
Once he came with a suggestion that I left him everything and gave away all my rights and he gave me full custody. I thought something finally heard my prayers before he changed his mind and filed new motion suing for full custody. He was playing with me. During this whole ordeal I was feeling doubts and resentment towards myself for not just complying and obeying him and stay with him until our daughter is older.
The self doubt and fear were almost paralyzing and one day in the beginning of summer I wrote a very long letter to him reminding him of his love for his daughter and the promise he made to her when she was born to do anything to protect her.
I reminded him that I am just a woman and he can (and had) replace me anytime but that his daughter is his daughter. I begged him not to use her to hurt someone who is replaceable. Don’t use a valuable treasure as a weapon to destroy a cheap target.
A target you easily replaced once before. He didn’t answer me but he stopped texting and calling me in other purposes other than our daughter. She has been happier too and she says she loves me and she loves daddy. I don’t know if it was my letter but he just stopped all his attempts to hurt me.
Once when he dropped her off, he apologized for everything he did back to cheating on me in the first place and said that he loved us and promised not to hurt us anymore. He has since kept this promise.
He has during all this time, since January (while I still lived with him) been having an on again off again girlfriend (25f), who when on I get to see my daughter more because I get her even on his weeks. I find myself hoping for them to get back together so I can have my daughter with me in a stable home.
I don’t know what the future holds and I hope my daughter forgives us for what we have put her through. Most of the time I regret asking for divorce when she is so little and wish that I have waited at least until she is old enough to understand but sometimes it feels like it was the right decision anyway. Of course I will never know.
As for John; He still lives in his home town near his mother. She is very sick and no chemo nor procedure works now. I have visited them as much as I have been able to. He has been great support throughout this ordeal which always made me guilty given what he is going through but he always said he is happy to listen and want to know. We call and text each other every day.
Last month, when my husband had my daughter on a trip with his family, John showed up at my door. He said he just wanted to see me and he had booked a hotel room that he ended up not using. He spent the weekend with me in my apartment and it was the first time I’ve allowed myself to be with him.
He was everything I imagined and more. He said he loved me and it was all I could do not to start bawling pathetically. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone this much. John’s divorce is finalized but we have decided not to make our relationship public until my life is in order. We have waited for 2 years what are a few more months?
I’m so much happier now. And I am hopeful for the future. Not just for me, but for everyone. I hope we can all move on and be happy.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this final update:
realfuckingoriginal
Whenever they get mad at someone not “giving them a chance” or working it out after cheating, it’s just because they expected to be able to cheat and keep their marriage.
RowanMarke
It's amazing how the second she finally explodes on him about the affair he instantly DARVOs her. She is the one destroying the marriage, she is the one with secrets, she owed him the truth, she denied him the chance to make ammends... What a load of BS.
You know what, it must have been pretty noticeable when OP suddenly distanced himself, but he obviously didn't care as long as it didn't affect him. Then, a year later, when he no longer has a bit-on-the-side, then is the moment to find out why? What a narcissistic, selfish monster. May OP remain strong and be able to get what she is due. (May he get what he is due too)
MadameBananas
Wow, you are a true role model for your daughter. You didn't compromise your worth, and used eloquence to talk your ex out of mentally damaging your daughter. I wish you every happiness, OP.
The OP responded here:
Walrus877
I don’t feel like a role model. I hope I do soon ❤️