'My wife appears to be getting close to a coworker. Hoping for advice.' UPDATED
"My wife appears to be getting close to a coworker. Hoping for advice."
My (42M) wife (42F) and I have been together for 12 years and have two children. Things are generally good. Relationship has had its ups and downs, but more recently things have been fine.
My wife's workplace is quite social and they have almost weekly after work drink activities. The average age of the workplace appears to be early 30's. I've noticed my wife lately seems eager to keep up with the younger ones.
She has seemingly been putting more effort into her appearance and is always very eager to attend any social functions and comes home clearly having had quite a few drinks.
I've always encouraged her being social. But lately I've noticed that she is communicating regularly with a younger male (29M) at her workplace. This guy is only around 29. I'll call him 'A'.
The last two social outings, 'A' picked up my wife from home and dropped her home. The last occasion was last week. My wife came home at around 11:30PM and was quite drunk.
I will state that she did initiate intimacy between us. But while I trust my wife to be faithful, I can't help but start thinking there might be a slight infatuation possibly in both directions between the two.
I've struggled a bit in the past with retroactive jealousy which highly annoyed my wife. My wife is very attractive, especially for her age. I am aware she would receive attention from men.
I'm also aware it is normal and human for her to enjoy this attention, while still remaining faithful. I'm just not sure where the acceptable line is. I don't want to raise anything with her yet, as I would appear as controlling, jealous and very insecure. Which I know are very unattractive qualities.
I guess my suspicions were somewhat confirmed recently via methods I'm not proud of. While my wife was in the shower, I briefly snooped on her phone. I quickly looked at the messages between my wife and 'A', they did appear to be fairly innocent, but slightly playful.
But when I looked at the last messages between my wife and her best friend. My wife had recently sent a photo to her friend of 'A' along with the text "This is 'A'. Clearly, my wife had spoken about this guy to her best friend.
The photo was of this guy working out at the gym. It must have been taken from his socials. The fact that the photo was of this guy working out indicates to me that she must have mentioned him to her friend in a way that suggested he was good looking.
I feel like I can't bring up anything with my wife primarily due to not wanting to expose how I know she sent a picture of this guy to her friend. I know its completely normal for her to find someone attractive and perhaps even enjoy flirting. I genuinely don't believe anything physical has happened. But I'm wondering what other's opinions would be on where the line is crossed?
Aside from my concerns, our relationship is actually in a good place at the moment. We've been having relations more regularly than normal. On the weekend she gave me a cuddle, told me she loved me and actually started tearing up.
But I'm starting to wonder if the increased libido has any correlation to what appears to be a slight infatuation with this younger coworker. Any input from woman would be greatly appreciated.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
The gym pic to her friend is a red flag. Him driving her home drunk at 11:30pm regularly, the increased effort in appearance, the texting add it up.
Bottom line is that married people that I know don’t put themselves in situations that could lead to marital issues. As a man, I don’t offer women who aren’t my wife, car rides home. If my wife got drunk at a work outing, she better get a ride home from one of her female friends or call me. She doesn’t put herself in questionable situations.
You can “trust”‘your wife all you want, but if she loves you, she’s not being transparent then she doesn’t love you back. If you bring it up to her and she doesn’t immediately understand, lovingly reassure you, and talk to you implicitly about it, then she’s not your wife.
Sending a pic that did not come from the same environment she knows him in is a big red flag. Even a selfie of the two of them from one of their office happy hours would be less suspicious.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
Unfortunately, things have taken a turn. Having taken some advice from the comments on my original post. I decided to talk to my (42M) wife (42F) about being uncomfortable being driven home by A (29M) from social drinks with colleagues.
My wife dismissed any concerns I had adding that she likes A as a friend only and that she treats him like a younger brother. I didn't mention anything about the phone snooping. So I was surprised and happy when my wife volunteered that she sent photos of him to a friend.
She mentioned apparently, they were discussing if he was suitable to setup with another younger female friend of theirs. My wife did add that she didn't want it to be the case that she is not allowed to have male friends.
I explained i'm well aware and supportive of male friends. But I felt it was obvious from my perspective that this kid was interested in her and she might be slightly naive in not seeing this. Perhaps inadvertently leading him along. Everything was fine, but I could tell my wife was perhaps slightly frustrated at my views.
This occurred just prior to New Years. I'll add that our intimate life continued to be great. Possibly the best in our entire relationship. This is until the weekend after New Years when the following happened.
My wife had a planned catchup with the friend that she sent the pic of A to. As normal, I took care of the kids and waited for my wife to return home. She'd explained she wasn't going to have a big night. But she then returned home at 1am.
She was dropped at home by her female friend. She explained that after dinner they knew some of her work girlfriends were out at a bar so they caught up for a few drinks. My wife rattled off the names of some of the work girlfriends who were there.
At the time I didn't think anything of it. My wife wanted intimacy and I was happy to oblige. However, it was after we did that I first noticed something was off. My wife went back to rambling about the names of the girls she met up with.
It seemed odd to me. As though, in rambling there was something she was drawing attention away from. I waited until she was back in the room and asked "Was A there?". She paused, uncomfortably and said he was, but only for a short time before leaving.
She added that she had no idea he was going to be there. I pointed out that she conveniently left his name out of the people she met with. So I said to her that I didn't believe it.
I asked if this guy texts her and even asked to see the message. As though she had nothing to hide, my wife quickly showed her messages. The last messages were from A and showed the two of them discussing which bar they were meeting at. I pointed out that this directly contradicted what she had just told me.
She elaborated by saying that she had no idea he would be out until she received the message from him. She further added that when she first heard he was coming out ,she was happy as the younger girl she was hoping to set him up with was also there.
I left it at that. But dwelling on it all night, I woke up feeling like she had completely and deliberately deceived me. I told her this and added that its completely dishonest to suggest to me that she had no idea this guy would be at the bar.
I know all the girls from her work were there and it appears they do socialize in a group. But the messages which were organizing the meeting location were between A and my wife. In my view, this shows that A was there primarily to meet up with my wife.
Since this, its all gone really pear shaped. My wife changed the pin on her phone that night. I'm sleeping in the spare room and it seems our relationship is over. I'm being blamed for blowing up our relationship due to lack of trust and jealousy.
She's pointed out that her work friends laughed at hearing my suspicions because of how ridiculous they are. I'm portrayed as the jealous and controlling husband to her friends and family.
My wife said the only reason that she wasn't directly forthcoming about him being there is because I read into things too much and that she didn't want to ruin the chance of having relations when she got home.
At this stage, my wife feels we should stay in the house together for the next few months for the sake of the kids until we work out whats happening. Now I know that internet audiences seem to love and encourage people to breakup. But I feel like maybe my wife is right. Maybe my jealousy is too much. I'm old and I'll never find someone who I love like my wife.
I don't want anyone else. But when trust is gone do I just lie down and take it? I've been cheated on before and maybe that does make me too jealous. I'm lost and so incredibly upset.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She sounds checked out to the point she’s discussing and laughing about your marriage to her coworkers. That alone would be enough for me.
You did what you could. Obviously your wife doesn’t respect your wishes, you made it clear what you thought about this guy and she’s still messaging him and meeting up with him in secret. Trust your gut and don’t ignore the situation. Either she just enjoys his attention or she’s sleeping with him. I say cut your losses and move on.
The wife is definitely already checked out of this relationship, and I hope OP can check out pretty quickly himself.
They’ll split up. She’ll sleep with Adam. Adam will realize he’s 29 and doesn’t want to be involved with a single mom. She will try to go back to OP. Hopefully OP will have moved on by then.
Honestly it's just not normal to go out drinking and partying every week when you have kids, unless you're trying to get away from your marriage and home life.