Family breaks as mother pressures daughter to conform; 'What is she doing? I was a cheerleader!' AITA + UPDATE
"My (34M) wife (31F) is having a meltdown over our daughter's personality and I don't know what to do. What should I do?"
ThrowRAgirlcopdad
I'm a 34 year old guy, and I have a 16 year old stepdaughter. My wife is 31. In high school, my wife was a "popular girl" stereotype. Pink, blonde chunky highlights in her brown hair, this was the mid-late 2000s.
She was on the cheerleading team, had lots of friends and boyfriends, was well known and liked. She was basically the living embodiment of the picture perfect girl from those cheesey 2000s highschool movies. And then she got pregnant. She doesn't know who the father is, and any potential fathers for the girl up and left way back when. Her daughter is recently 16.
I never wanted kids, I found them annoying. But I fell in love with my wife and got married when she was 20 and I was 23 after dating for 2 years. We hit it off, and I married her and decided to suck it up around the kid.
I never planned to absolutely love being a dad to her specifically. Kids still annoy me, but my daughter (step daughter technically) was different. She was quiet, nerdy even at a young age. I married her mother when she was 5, and we clicked right away.
We went on daddy-daughter dates every weekend. I played dolls with her. Let her paint my nails and do makeup on me. I drove her to and from school in my cop car. We even did daddy-daughter duo costumes for Halloween.
Over the past two years she's developed a darker dress style. I don't know what the proper subculture of her outfits are, but according to her she's dressing like a horror game protagonist and a Monster High character.
Purple is her main color she incorporates into this specific "aesthetic blend" as she calls it. I don't get it, but maybe that's because I'm a man in my 30s, I don't know. She likes ghosts, tarot cards, vampires, zombies, aliens, creepy victorian dolls. I don't get it, but also I don't care because if it makes her happy so what?
She's also an introvert, and prefers to play games on her computer or read fantasy occult novels rather than hangout with other teens her age. She has friends, so I'm not too worried about her being completely withdrawn. I'm just glad I don't have to drive her around since she only has a learner's permit currently.
My wife hates this. My wife always wanted a girly girl. Pinks and pastels and flowers and all that. She wants our daughter to get a boyfriend, be more social, be a cheerleader like she was. Which, in itself is valid. I get it, I'm sure most every parents has preferences for what they want their kid to turn out like, and some disappointment when they stray from that fantasy is valid. Some.
My wife will constantly takes and hides my daughter's darker room decor. She constantly gets pastel dresses for our daughter, tells her to wipe off her dark eye makeup, tries to set her up on dates with jock types from my daughter's school, and convince her to sign up for both school and summer activities like cheerleading or volleyball.
I could have put up with all of that, I really could have. But a few weeks ago I woke up to my wife finally hitting finally hitting her breaking point. I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife screaming and having what I can confidently describe as a borderline meltdown.
She was crying and saying all she ever wanted was a normal daughter who likes pink, and is a cheerleader and has a boyfriend and will give her grandkids. I had to drag her out the hallway after 30 minutes of this. I kept thinking it would stop, but it kept going on and on. My daughter was just staring at this whole thing in the doorway of her room.
What caused this meltdown from my wife? My daughter dyed purple over the blonde streaks/highlights my wife had forced her to get in her hair. Which wasn't even breaking a house rule, as my wife and I have both told her she can do whatever she wants with her hair as long as she doesn't stain too many towels.
It's been weeks, and my daughter won't talk to her mom. My wife is still up with her antics, but now it's in overdrive. Everyday she brings home some type of trendy clothing in pink or pastels and tries to give it to my daughter. My daughter is getting fed up and stays in her room all day, and has confessed to me she can't wait for school to start back up in a few weeks so she can get out the house and be with her friends again.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to "side" with anyone in this situation. I understand my wife wants a daughter who she can relate, and my daughter wants a mom who understands her. I don't know what I can or should do. I need help. I need advice.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
lnctech
My mom wanted me to be a version of her when I was a teenager too. She lost it on me and my father didn’t protect me either. He defended my mom. 30 yrs later I have a strained relationship with them both. Protect your kid and go tell your wife to get help with her trauma.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRAgirlcopdad
The comments have really slapped some sense into me. I'll admit, I didn't think any of this was that deep. I came on here mostly as a way to vent and get some advice, but now it feels like I've been slapped in the face with reality.
I had no idea just how harmful my wife was being to my daughter. I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I really just chalked it up to mother-daughter bickering like all teenagers do. I know I had some pretty nasty fights with my parents as a 16 year old. I want to get both of them help. I love my wife, and I love my daughter.
ArtisanalMoonlight
Your wife is an adult. Your daughter is not. Do not try to keep the peace. Make sure your daughter knows you support her. Step in when your wife goes off the rails. Insist on therapy.
PreparationScared
You need to get a professional involved. You and your wife together, or just you if she refuses. She is doing real harm to your daughter and you have let it go on much too long. Your wife doesn’t get to decide who her daughter should be, and she sounds deeply disturbed.
Even_Budget2078
You need to side with your daughter. Your wife's behavior is controlling, abusive, and deeply inappropriate. She does not get to decide who her daughter is. Her (and your) daughter is her own person. She's not a mini-me of anyone. Does your wife want her to get pregnant at 15? Sorry to be so aggressive, but it's time to be blunt here.
Does your wife want her to be a teenage mom who "doesn't know who the father is"? Really? I don't think so. Do you? Nothing you've described about your daughter is harmful or worrying. Literally nothing. And that's really important because that's the only valid reason to interfere. Not because mom wants her to like a certain color or wear certain clothes. There's nothing "valid" about that.
Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.
"[Update] My (34M) wife (31F) is having a meltdown over our daughter's personality and I don't know what to do. What should I do?"
ThrowRAgirlcopdad
It's been about a week since I last posted about how my wife was having a meltdown over how my daughter chose to dress. Two nights after I posted, I sat my wife down and very bluntly asked her what exactly the problem was.
She kept saying she just wanted a daughter who was similar to her, but after I kept asking she broke down and admitted the real reason why she was having her meltdowns.
My wife feels that her daughter is the only way for her to have more family in the future. She's estranged from her siblings, her parents don't speak much to her, and all of her friends from highschool stopped talking to her after her pregnancy.
She wants a family back, and she's hoping that her daughter will marry a nice boy and give her grandkids so she can have a family again. She said she never brought up having more kids with me because she figured I'd be against the idea.
I don't know how I feel about having more kids with my wife, but it certainly won't happen now. So my wife is in therapy to try and get her to realize that she can't just view my daughter as a way to create a family. She's doing well so far, but it's too soon to really tell.
My daughter is also in therapy. She's been in therapy since she was a kid for bullying issues, but now her therapist is trying to focus on the meltdown situation with her. My daughter actually seems relatively unaffected by this whole situation other than a little annoyed, so I don't know if that's good or not.
I took my daughter to Hot Topic for some back to school accessories and then took her out to eat, just the two of us. She's still excited to go back to school, she misses her friends and her clubs.
My wife and daughter have started talking normally again. They had a long talk, which I was present for, where my wife apologized for being so pushy and extreme with her wishes. My daughter was well receptive to this talk and seems to be back to her normal self, I am keeping an eye on both of them to be sure.
My wife is doing her best to understand my daughter's interests. Last I know the two were watching some slasher TV show on Hulu as a way to bond, and it appears to be working. There isn't any bad blood between the two.
I know things are soon, and that things can change, but so far everything appears to be smoothing over pretty well. Thank you for all the advice, harsh and gentle, that I reviewed through my original post. It definitely slapped me in the face as what could happen if I didn't get both of them help and make them talk it out.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
HomeworkVisual128
Aw. Ok. That ended better than I could have hoped.
EthanEpiale
Just so your wife knows, like, plenty of goths go on to have families lol. I was the kid in high school who wore nothing but black and Tripp pants and spiked leather bracelets, and I'm happily married with a kid.
Some of the most friendly, loving parents I know have very goth-y aesthetics, and you can see examples of that decently frequently on social media if you look into it. Really I think it's an issue of wife being immature and not processing that high school stereotypes from the 90s aren't real.
Beruthiel999
I mean, probably the healthiest and most loving family ever on TV was the Addams Family. Morticia and Gomez are definitely life goals.
Glamonster
Wife's reasoning is so weird, the daughter being goth would not stop her from settling down and having kids and her becoming "normal" would not guarantee she would even want to have kids.
lonely-unicorn77
A lot of people are saying “just because she’s goth doesn’t mean she won’t have a family and kids!” and while that’s true, it’s missing the forest for the trees. The mom is treating her daughter like a future incubator.
THAT is the most pressing issue and that is the one that needs to be addressed by you and by your wife’s therapist. She reacted in this insane way to your daughter being goth/alt - imagine how she will react if your daughter ends up gay, or even just childfree? Please protect your daughter from this pressure, it is very very damaging.
Your wife needs to be able to see your daughter as a fully formed human who will make her own decisions - if she can’t do that, if she can’t come to terms with her daughter being her own person, then you NEED to protect your daughter from your wife.