'My wife keeps telling me she's not my mom. How can I make her see my side?' UPDATED 2X

"'I'm your wife not your mom.' My wife F32 always says this to me 34M and I don't know how to respond. How can I make her see my side?"

Hey Everyone, so my wife (32F) and I (34M) have been together 18 years but have been arguing recently about the responsibilities within our marriage and we cant seem to agree. I work full time and my wife is a stay at home mother. We have 2 children one is in school full time and the other goes to preschool 2 1/2 days a week.

Recently my wife has been sending me the stupid TikToks that always say "Your wife is your partner, not your mom" and essentially boil down to men should help out round the house, help with the kids and pick up after themselves. A sentiment I generally agree with.

This usually comes with a side of, "You don't value what I do, to look after the kids and plan everything etc." Now to be clear, I am not against helping out round the house and helping get the kids to bed, and brush their teeth and cook meals. I do help with this stuff every day.

I feel like all I do is work, because the second I finish work, I have kids to help with because she "has had them all day".

My position is, that she is right when she says kids are work and I can appreciate that after a day of being with them all day, that she is probably tired of kids. But I have also been at work all day too and it isn't fair to expect me to be sole parent as soon as I'm finished.

Then there is the issue of housework. Our house is always a mess, which frustrates me when she complains about having to do all the "unpaid labor" of managing a household and looking after the kids.

Because from my perspective I go to work in a messy house and I finish work in a messy house. (I work from home, go into my office for 8 hours, only coming out for the occasional coffee and snack). Which means that 90% of my mess is contained to a room only I go in. Most days while I'm at work she isn't even home.

I feel that I am holding up my end of the bargain by working full time and then helping with housework and the kids outside of that. But she isn't holding up her end of it by looking after the house and kids while i'm at work.

I could understand that she wouldn't get as much done around the house on days when our youngest is home but on days where she is at preschool, she takes it as an opportunity to "have a break" and go shopping with her mom or go visit a friend.

Whenever I bring this up or question how much effort she is putting in I get "you don't appreciate me" and "i'm not your mother."

I'm not saying she should be waiting on me hand and foot as my personal maid, cook and sex object (not that we ever have sex) because "I'm the man, bringing home the bacon." And I really hope I don't come across that way in this post as that really not what i'm saying.

But I am killing myself trying to do everything, yet am being told i'm the problem for treating her like my mother, because i'm expecting her to do her part. What can I do to help her see my side?

UPDATE: So a lot of people are saying we need to sit down and try to look at things as a team and I am totally on board for this approach and will let you know how it goes.

Also to a few people dislike my framing of "helping" as it's my responsibility also. I agree I used the term helping as that's the word she uses when saying I need to do more to "help" around the house.

Another lot of you either can't read or are refusing to believe that I actually parent my own children.

I wake them up in the morning. I make them breakfast everyday. I get them dressed everyday. I take them to school 2-3 days a week. I know their teachers, I know all their friends and their friends parents' names.

I know their doctors, I know their allergies (none thankfully). I bath them, I get their PJs on and read them the same bedtime story every night for weeks. Because they don't want any of the other books we have, they want George the giant.

I draw with them, I play games with them, I know their favourite disney princesses and favourite superheroes.

As for the household, I do laundry, I load the dishwasher, I cook my own lunches and tidy up after myself. I iron, I fold and put away laundry, I pick up their toys and tidy their play room. I hoover at the weekend and take them to kids parties. I also do all the chores that my wife wont because "Im the man." Like taking out the bins, cleaning the car, mowing the grass, fixing anything that breaks.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

T-Trainset

Can you quantify it? Make a list of tasks and chores for the household and list who is doing what, and who is contributing what, and see if you can come to and understanding of the division of effort.

JelloMany9374

I think instead of dividing up chores, they should divide up the free time. "We should each get 40 minutes alone time each day. How can we move stuff around to make that happen?"

OP:

I have suggested this before and I get told I get alone time all day while I'm in my office at work. she can't see why that doesn't count in my eyes.

malYca

It's time to talk in front of a third party because she's not being sincere. Go to couples therapy and work this out there.

TenThousandStepz

You both need to stop looking at it as me vs you. Having kids is hard. Being a working parent is hard. Staying at home with the kids all day is hard. Cleaning up the house and being with your kids isn’t “helping” it’s called being a parent.

You both need to sit down and come up with a plan where you can have certain days/times where you can both get alone time without becoming resentful of each other.

Sunflowerrain1011

“Cleaning up the house and being with your kids isn’t “helping” it’s called being a parent.” Preach!

OtterKhaos

For real. I remember one of my coworkers would take a day off because he needed to "babysit his kids" while his wife was out. I've heard a few other working parents use that same word - "babysit". It confuses me every time.

Like, it's not babysitting if it's your own kids. lmao

Big_Falcon89

I'm very much going to urge people reading this not to get hung up over the semantics of "helping out" and instead look at what this guy is *actually saying* occurs in his household.

The work that he does is *not*, I repeat, *not* invalidated by the fact that he used the incorrect terminology. If he's the sole caregiver for his kids in the evening, that is indeed not on. Being a SAHM is work, and deserves a break, but do you know what else is work? Jobs.

There very well could be a legitimate issue this guy is having, and I'm very concerned he's going to get bad advice because he calls it "helping"

Spursfan14

If you ever wanted a post that demonstrates the massively different ways posters on here speak about fathers and mothers, you won’t get a better example than this.

420Fps

Cant stand how the tone police always miss the point in these posts

Seatoo

There is an easy solution to this, she can get an out-of-the-house job! That way she can actually be out of the house, get a break from the kids and help pay for the household expenses and child care.

Then when you're both off of work the household chores and parental duties can be split 50/50.

yellowchaitea

Honestly- you both frustrate me. You both see childcare as a job, as opposed to parenting, with neither of you wanting to parent in the evening because you worked during the day. Parenting isn't something you just decide you don't need to do — it's constant and your kids will pick up being viewed as a burden/hindrance, rather than a blessing.

Figure out a routine- one of you cooks dinner, the other does the dishes. One of you puts one kid to bed, the other puts the other kid to bed. Rotate who cleans up the kids toys until they're old enough to get an allowance and pick up their own toys.

Khoizie

Harping on his use of the term “helping” is starting to sound like low hanging fruit. This is a word that people simply use in English.

Yes, sometimes the use of “helping” is indicative of a problem. However if you’re posting here just because you saw the H word and decided “that’s a wrap!” you have your full argument, I don’t believe your points are going to be taken seriously by anybody who can critically think.

We get it. We’ve all read the same Emma comic “you should’ve asked“ going on close to 10 years now.

Complete_doodle

Have you actually talked to her? What does she specifically want from you - is it more help with cooking, more help with the kids, more help on weekends?? What is overwhelming her?

TruthorTroll

There's this weird disconnect with some sahp's these days that they think because they had the kids all day that the working partner needs to take over 100% when they get home.

If being a sahp is going to be considered just like a job, then it should be 50/50 parenting and chores when their partner gets home. You're both working all day and now you're both parenting/doing chores at night.

Now I get that this might mean that the sahp wants a break from the kids when that time rolls around since they've been with them all day, but then they should be looking to do other stuff to help out around the house at that point. It's just not fair to expect only one partner to work after work. It should be 50/50.

I've been the sole provider, the sahp, and every combo in-between and the only way it works is if both people respect each other's contributions, help each other get breaks, and work together.

Later OP came back with this second update, "after the talk":

So, I arranged for the in-laws to have the kids Friday night. Me and the wife sat down and had a talk. A LONG talk, probably one of the deepest and hardest talks we have ever had in our 18 years.

I told her my side, that I felt overwhelmed and underappreciated. That I felt I was doing more than my fair share and that she wasn't. I told her that I could understand that while I may be doing plenty around the house and parenting, that I was guilty of letting her take the majority of the mental load but that still didn't excuse her behaviour.

I felt I was firm but fair and to her credit instead of fighting back she listened.

We discussed her feelings and she admits to not prioritising housework and trying to make the most of her "free time" and agreed that we will sit down and come up with a schedule for cleaning that we are both accountable for.

She told me some issues that I wasn't aware of that her mother had been dealing with since retiring and the passing of her father (wife's grandad). loneliness & depression, issues relating to my SIL ( she's a mess and constant headache). which was why she had been going to see her so much.

Other feelings she had been having about feeling lost in kids, not having anything for herself and some depression related to weight gain since having our second child. She has put on 40-50lbs and no longer feels attractive. I told her that I still think she's beautiful but she doesn't. Hence our DB. There were hurt feelings and tears from both of us.

So we are taking steps to help.

1. We have both agreed to switch out mornings and evenings. I get the kids up, breakfasts, teeth, dressed and take them to school. She does Dinner, bath, bed etc. the next day we switch. this gives us both some mornings/evenings free to do what we want.

2. We are both joining the gym, I too have put on some weight and lost muscle since our second child. hopefully this helps with her body confidence.

3. We are also arranging with the In-laws to have babysitters once a week for us to start going on regular dates again.( for context the in-laws are our only support, I'm an orphan of abusive, raised by my grandmother, now passed.)

4. We have found a cleaning schedule, where you do certain chores throughout the house everyday but pick one room to "deep clean" everyday too. With me doing laundry, dishwasher etc things that take less time. Her doing the deep cleans and general tidying.

5. Most importantly she is looking to get a job part-time so she can start helping financially, give her some income that isn't from me and give her something to focus on outside of being a mom.

As all my wages went into the joint account, I felt like I never had any money as I didn't want to spend and there not be enough to pay the mortgage etc. So I never spent money and resented that she did.

So when she gets a job both incomes are going into the joint account, then we are getting a budget together.

Making sure there is enough to cover direct debits, then dividing the remaining into accounts for savings and personal accounts for each of us to have our own money that we can spend how we want guilt free.

6. I'm going to pick up a hobby that gets me out of the house and commute to the office once a week. One thing we discussed was that I was always at home. I didn't do anything other than work and be at home. So we didn't have a lot to talk about, because I didn't go anywhere.

It also meant that she never got any alone time at home away from me and the kids and she felt like a nuisance being at home while I'm at work.

We took this weekend to spend some time together as a family, took the kids to the park, went to a nature reserve for a picnic and bike rides. Took the kids rock climbing followed by ice-cream. It was really nice and we both feel like a weight has been lifted. it's obviously not going to change overnight and we need to work at it. but we have a plan and both seem to want to put in the effort.

To everyone who gave me good advice, recommended therapy (we can't afford it until she starts work but we are looking for when she does.) commiserated with your own stories or just had a kind word to say. Thank You So Much, there were comments that made me cry and so much insight that I hadn't considered. Thank you.

To those of you who clearly didn't read my post but instead assumed I was entitled and entirely to blame because I used the word "help". Or that I probably didn't know my own children's birthdays and allergies. I feel sorry for you and hope that you get the "help" you so sorely need.