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'My wife keeps telling me she's not my mom. How can I make her see my side?'

'My wife keeps telling me she's not my mom. How can I make her see my side?'

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"'I'm your wife not your mom.' My wife F32 always says this to me 34M and I don't know how to respond. How can I make her see my side?"

u/Onikem

Hey Everyone, so my wife (32F) and I (34M) have been together 18 years but have been arguing recently about the responsibilities within our marriage and we cant seem to agree.

I work full time and my wife is a stay at home mother. We have 2 children one is in school full time and the other goes to preschool 2 1/2 days a week.

Recently my wife has been sending me the stupid TikToks that always say "Your wife is your partner, not your mom" and essentially boil down to men should help out round the house, help with the kids and pick up after themselves. A sentiment I generally agree with.

This usually comes with a side of, "You don't value what I do, to look after the kids and plan everything etc"

Now to be clear, I am not against helping out round the house and helping get the kids to bed, and brush their teeth and cook meals. I do help with this stuff every day.

I feel like all I do is work, because the second I finish work, I have kids to help with because she "has had them all day".

My position is, that she is right when she says kids are work and I can appreciate that after a day of being with them all day, that she is probably tired of kids. But I have also been at work all day too and it isn't fair to expect me to be sole parent as soon as I'm finished.

Then there is the issue of housework. Our house is always a mess, which frustrates me when she complains about having to do all the "unpaid labor" of managing a household and looking after the kids.

Because from my perspective I go to work in a messy house and I finish work in a messy house. (I work from home, go into my office for 8 hours, only coming out for the occasional coffee and snack). Which means that 90% of my mess is contained to a room only I go in. Most days while I'm at work she isn't even home.

I feel that I am holding up my end of the bargain by working full time and then helping with housework and the kids outside of that. But she isn't holding up her end of it by looking after the house and kids while i'm at work.

I could understand that she wouldn't get as much done around the house on days when our youngest is home but on days where she is at preschool, she takes it as an opportunity to "have a break" and go shopping with her mom or go visit a friend.

Whenever I bring this up or question how much effort she is putting in I get "you don't appreciate me" and "i'm not your mother."

I'm not saying she should be waiting on me hand and foot as my personal maid, cook and sex object (not that we ever have sex) because "I'm the man, bringing home the bacon." And I really hope I don't come across that way in this post as that really not what i'm saying.

But I am killing myself trying to do everything, yet am being told i'm the problem for treating her like my mother, because i'm expecting her to do her part. What can I do to help her see my side?

UPDATE: So a lot of people are saying we need to sit down and try to look at things as a team and I am totally on board for this approach and will let you know how it goes.

Also to a few people dislike my framing of "helping" as it's my responsibility also. I agree I used the term helping as that's the word she uses when saying I need to do more to "help" around the house.

Another lot of you either can't read or are refusing to believe that I actually parent my own children.

I wake them up in the morning. I make them breakfast everyday. I get them dressed everyday. I take them to school 2-3 days a week. I know their teachers, I know all their friends and their friends parents' names.

I know their doctors, I know their allergies (none thankfully). I bath them, I get their PJs on and read them the same bedtime story every night for weeks. Because they don't want any of the other books we have, they want George the giant.

I draw with them, I play games with them, I know their favourite disney princesses and favourite superheroes.

As for the household, I do laundry, I load the dishwasher, I cook my own lunches and tidy up after myself. I iron, I fold and put away laundry, I pick up their toys and tidy their play room. I hoover at the weekend and take them to kids parties. I also do all the chores that my wife wont because "Im the man." Like taking out the bins, cleaning the car, mowing the grass, fixing anything that breaks.

Here's how the comments took the story.

T-Trainset

Can you quantify it? Make a list of tasks and chores for the household and list who is doing what, and who is contributing what, and see if you can come to and understanding of the division of effort.

JelloMany9374

I think instead of dividing up chores, they should divide up the free time. "We should each get 40 minutes alone time each day. How can we move stuff around to make that happen?"

OP:

I have suggested this before and I get told I get alone time all day while I'm in my office at work. she can't see why that doesn't count in my eyes.

malYca

It's time to talk in front of a third party because she's not being sincere. Go to couples therapy and work this out there.

TenThousandStepz

You both need to stop looking at it as me vs you. Having kids is hard. Being a working parent is hard. Staying at home with the kids all day is hard. Cleaning up the house and being with your kids isn’t “helping” it’s called being a parent.

You both need to sit down and come up with a plan where you can have certain days/times where you can both get alone time without becoming resentful of each other.

Sunflowerrain1011

“Cleaning up the house and being with your kids isn’t “helping” it’s called being a parent.” Preach!

OtterKhaos

For real. I remember one of my coworkers would take a day off because he needed to "babysit his kids" while his wife was out. I've heard a few other working parents use that same word - "babysit". It confuses me every time.

Like, it's not babysitting if it's your own kids. lmao

Big_Falcon89

I'm very much going to urge people reading this not to get hung up over the semantics of "helping out" and instead look at what this guy is *actually saying* occurs in his household.

The work that he does is *not*, I repeat, *not* invalidated by the fact that he used the incorrect terminology.

If he's the sole caregiver for his kids in the evening, that is indeed not on. Being a SAHM is work, and deserves a break, but do you know what else is work? Jobs.

There very well could be a legitimate issue this guy is having, and I'm very concerned he's going to get bad advice because he calls it "helping"

Spursfan14

If you ever wanted a post that demonstrates the massively different ways posters on here speak about fathers and mothers, you won’t get a better example than this.

420Fps

Cant stand how the tone police always miss the point in these posts

Seatoo

There is an easy solution to this, she can get an out-of-the-house job! That way she can actually be out of the house, get a break from the kids and help pay for the household expenses and child care.

Then when you're both off of work the household chores and parental duties can be split 50/50.

yellowchaitea

Honestly- you both frustrate me. You both see childcare as a job, as opposed to parenting, with neither of you wanting to parent in the evening because you worked during the day.

Parenting isn't something you just decide you don't need to do — it's constant and your kids will pick up being viewed as a burden/hindrance, rather than a blessing.

Figure out a routine- one of you cooks dinner, the other does the dishes. One of you puts one kid to bed, the other puts the other kid to bed.

Rotate who cleans up the kids toys until they're old enough to get an allowance and pick up their own toys.

Khoizie

Harping on his use of the term “helping” is starting to sound like low hanging fruit. This is a word that people simply use in English.

Yes, sometimes the use of “helping” is indicative of a problem. However if you’re posting here just because you saw the H word and decided “that’s a wrap!” you have your full argument, I don’t believe your points are going to be taken seriously by anybody who can critically think.

We get it. We’ve all read the same Emma comic “you should’ve asked“ going on close to 10 years now.

Complete_doodle

Have you actually talked to her? What does she specifically want from you - is it more help with cooking, more help with the kids, more help on weekends?? What is overwhelming her?

TruthorTroll

There's this weird disconnect with some sahp's these days that they think because they had the kids all day that the working partner needs to take over 100% when they get home.

If being a sahp is going to be considered just like a job, then it should be 50/50 parenting and chores when their partner gets home.

You're both working all day and now you're both parenting/doing chores at night.

Now I get that this might mean that the sahp wants a break from the kids when that time rolls around since they've been with them all day, but then they should be looking to do other stuff to help out around the house at that point.

It's just not fair to expect only one partner to work after work. It should be 50/50.

I've been the sole provider, the sahp, and every combo in-between and the only way it works is if both people respect each other's contributions, help each other get breaks, and work together.

Sources: Reddit
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