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Wife gives ultimatum to high-earning husband: Be a father or be a bank. AITA?

Wife gives ultimatum to high-earning husband: Be a father or be a bank. AITA?


"AITA for not helping my husband with finances?"


My husband and I are married for 8 years now with a child and we both work. At first we used to split every between us and were helping each other out when it came to finances , household and our child.

However, my husband got this job offer that paid him 2x more than his initial job. Mind you, his initial job was already a good enough payment but he wanted to earn more.

The problem was that the new job required him to be at work from very early in the morning to very late. I told him that getting this job would make him an absent father and husband and that we don’t need it we are good enough. He insisted on taking and he did.

So I told him since he decided to not be present so much in our lives he shall also pay alone because what’s the point of double the amount of money if I still pay with him yet he doesn’t work with me in the house?

I told him that this means that he’ll also not be with his child as much so I’ll be making up for that too so it would only be fair if he made up for my financial part too.

I was saying this honestly to make him go back on his decision but no he agreed on paying alone. Now I am the one who takes care of the house and our child alone and he pays for everything (I still work too).

This been our life for 2 years until now he is saying I should pay too. I said I am down on paying if he is down on doing his husband and father duties.

He said he “can’t” because of his job but I told him that I warned him and that he choose to ignore so now he either bare the consequences or search for another job. He doesn’t want to because he really likes the big income and wants me to pay so that he would save more.

I told him that’s not happening I won’t do my AND his duties all alone while he just pays half the bills. We’ve been going back and forth into this and I am not backing down.

Here were the top rated comments from readers:


NTA. He's asking you to subsidize him. That's just wrong.


You guys might as well divorce honestly. Sounds like youre not functioning as a couple AT ALL, barely functioning as a family and at the end of the day you'll get the same amount of money; if not more if you split up PLUS he will HAVE to take the kid for visitation on the weekends.


NTA. He made his choice and now wants to change the agreement. If he wants to pay professionals to take on the duties he abdicated taking that new job, that might be an option. Expecting you to do it all and pay for the privilege is a F no from me too.


NTA... although I don't love this situation and I don't think your marriage is going to last. There's going to be too much resentment on both sides. However, I can't say E S H because your husband is the one that created the problem.

I think a far better solution would be to split the finances proportionately, plus your husband needs to use his salary to hire a housekeeper... and I'd even go as far as to say a live-in housekeeper/nanny who can fully pick up his slack? Because getting someone to come clean once a month or even once a week doesn't come close to picking up his daily slack.

Was this ever an option? This is where I think there's a small bit of E S H because I feel like there had to be a better compromise/solution than what you proposed... but he's so much more the asshole in creating the situation that it doesn't even register as E S H.


ESH, sorry. Being in a relationship, especially with family, should not be "me vs. you" but "us vs. life." Sit down together one afternoon once all the household chores are done and the kid is napping/otherwise occupied, have a nice non-alcoholic beverage of choice, and have a sensible discussion about finances and your approaches to life and being a family.


OP idk why some people are on your case. You are 💯 correct and fair imo. And I speak from a marriage where I worked part time and did all the house and childcare. Ex cheated and claimed he shouldn't have to give me anything bc he earned the money.

Also I lost some social security benefits. If men don't want to help with domestic work, the partner needs compensation. Pregnancy and childcare and housework makes it harder for women to earn as much over a lifetime.

So, who do you think is in the right here? What would your advice be?

Sources: Reddit
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