I (29F) and my husband (44M) have been together for five years and married for two. I met him at the church I started going to when I moved cities to start my career. I work for an insurance company and he’s a pastor. I know that we have a notable age gap, but he was always kind to me and made me feel special.
Anyhow- a week ago he came home and told me we needed to talk. He told me through tears that he had been having an affair with one of our community members (34F) and that she had been pregnant with twins. She had gone into labor; she and one of the twins died and the other was in the NICU.
He said we need to step up and that he wants me to turn my office into a nursery and set up a cot in the room so we can take turns. I became distressed and told him I wanted some time to think. That I was not sure I wanted to do this. He told me that I had made a vow to him in marriage and that we had been blessed with a child.
I just feel so strange. Yesterday I cried so hard I threw up. This woman died, yet I feel bad for myself. I feel so ugly. I wanted children and was saving for IVF because I am infertile. But now that I have a chance to have a child and I do not want it. I feel like I’d be robbing its mother's grave. I pray to God, but if I’m being honest it’s never felt like anyone was ever listening.
I feel like I have truly seen my husband and he no longer looks kind- he looks his age and very tired. I want to abandon him and the child. I’m only 29- I can start over. I have a remote job, I can take a day off when he goes to the NICU- pack my essentials and leave. Neither him nor the child deserve this, and although this is my circus- that is not my monkey.
The only thing that is not a huge red flag in all of this is you realizing that is not your monkey. He chose to be unfaithful, and from that he expects you to ultimately raise another woman's child?! No way. There is only one thing you should do - run.
OP’s husband also preaches about the “vows” she made but what about him? I’m sure there’s something about infidelity in there. Such a hypocrite. If the AP hadn’t of died, did he even plan to tell OP about this second family? To top it all off, he physically abuses her? OP run from this POS, you know what you need to do and what you want to do. Take a deep breath and RUN.
First, your vows to your husband mean nothing since they meant nothing to him when he had an affair with another woman. Second, your husband is the typical POS that does horrible things but hides behind religion. That is absolutely not acceptable and I don’t care what you said first. Leave immediately, divorce his lying cheating abusive manipulative a$$.
Girl, you better love yourself to leave.
That's the hard part. I always have felt like I was never on anyone's radar and just their back burner. He made me feel special and loved, but this last week I feel like I've seen past that. Although I was old enough to decide to be in an age gap relationship, I feel like he had no business with being someone my age.
I'm 29 now and I would feel wrong being with someone 24. I spent my whole life accepting second best and now that the one person who put me first has now put me last- I feel like I just see it all now. I feel used.
I just wanna thank y'all for the support. I'm still processing this all, and I just need a little time. I don't feel unsafe, just unloved- just not enough. My husband did apologize and continues to express regret, but he can't take it back. Just as he cannot take back impregnating another woman which ultimately killed her.
I'm just feeling so disillusioned with my whole life right now, I know I should leave. I know that there is a world out there that will not treat me like this, but I am scared of change. I am working on a plan to leave and getting my ducks in a row for when I am ready to go, but I am not sure when I would leave if I choose to.
Many expressed that I should make a report to the police about him slapping me, and they're probably right, but that would likely cause me more problems than it would be worth. If I leave it might make him want to contest the divorce more, and if I stay it would cause more tension.
I'm not violent myself but I'm down for a tussle, because although I'm hurt; I am angry. I'm not sure if there will be an update- because I'm still unsure. I can make all the plans in the world but the change scares me almost as much as bending to his will. I've been praying about it but I see no clear answers or guidance. I don't know.
Funny thing- I'm jealous of the people saying that this is fake. It's like I want my life to be like it was two weeks ago. I could read a crazy story on the internet and think "wow, that's crazy, seems kinda fake," and keep scrolling and go about my life. Only I can't scroll away in real life because that's just not how life works.
I don't owe anyone proof of my life tragedies, least of all strangers on the internet whom I will never meet. I do thank all who have given support. I wish I could tell you I packed my bags and left, but I'm not strong enough to yet. It's not that easy to do in real life as it turns out. Odd.
The longer you stay, the more he will wear you down. He has lied and manipulated you. He has physically harmed you. That is not going to change. Change is definitely scary. Being abused is more scary. You need to leave that house.
This! Please get out sooner vs later. As scary as change is, imagine this being your life for the foreseeable future. Married to man who treats you poorly and expects you to raise his affair babies. Cause I am sure there will be more. Once you do it one time, he learns you’ll stay despite his actions.
Also, it’s a baby. You may grow attached and care for the child and vice versa which would make your pain worse should you wait to leave. Change can scary, but it can be liberating. He’s laid his hands on you once, likely he’ll do it again. Even if he apologized this time and seems remorseful. You deserve better, know your worth and leave as soon as possible.
I left. If that’s all you wanted to know, there it is. For those of you who asking how the other woman died, (I get it, I invited you into my business), it was an amniotic fluid embolism. I don’t know much about those, but I guess when they happen things go wrong really, really fast. We lived in a more rural area, so they just weren’t ready for something like that to happen.
I didn’t leave right away, as I know now that I should have. It just wasn’t that easy. I stayed for two months. I knew if I did not at least try to make it work I would not be able to live with it. Not because I wanted to save my marriage, but because “what ifs” keep me up at night enough as is. I went to marriage counseling with my husband, but it was ultimately fruitless.
Of course it was Christian counseling, I felt like their goal was for me to forgive him rather than actually trying to help me. I was so utterly alone during that time. My parents and brother are also very religious so even though they weren’t happy with my husband, they kept urging me to do what a good Christian wife would do.
I spent so much time suffering in my own head that I began to realize that I was just going through the motions, doing what I thought people expected of me. I entered a state of derealization for a time, and that was an absolute mind-f. The feeling of nothing being real, not even myself, was horrible.
During this period my husband brought his baby home and while he tried to split the cares 50/50 at first, he ultimately didn’t trust me to look after the baby because I was “lost in space.” So he ended up being the primary provider.
When I was with the baby, all I could think about was how its existence ruined my life, it’d look at me with big blue eyes and I would just wish it would disappear. I would actively spend time resenting a baby, there was a time when I was thinking to myself and I wished it would stop breathing.
That was when I knew that I needed to leave. I was blaming a baby and wishing ill upon it, and that was not okay to do. I don’t remember much about this time besides that, it’s mostly a blur otherwise. I sought services through my work to talk to a therapist, and I eventually came back to earth, she helped me make a plan.
At no point did I fear my husband, I truly believe the slap was a one-off event. However, screw him, he doesn’t deserve closure. On a night he had a long bible study (he always took his baby with him because he didn’t trust me) I packed my essentials and dipped. I met him pretty quickly after college so I did not have much to take as far as furnishings.
I fit everything I wanted in three suitcases, and four moving boxes. It all fit into my SUV after some mediocre Tetris skills. I was able to change my phone number online before I left, but I did leave the divorce papers under his pillow with my lawyer’s contact info. Kind of like the tooth fairy but for
I was the breadwinner, in my state we were not married long enough for me to pay spousal maintenance, at least that is what my lawyer said. I own my vehicle outright, we had our own bank accounts and a shared expenses account, we filed taxes separately, and the church owns the house.
He’s being an a$$ about it all, but I’m hoping it should be done soon. I got a decent apartment in a city a few hundred miles away. I’ve never lived in a city this big before, everything is so expensive, but besides that I like it. I found a new therapist, met some new friends, and found a new church with loving people.
I still have my days but for the most part I’m content. I think it will always hurt on some level, but I’m working on taking my power back. I turn 30 next month, and I am hopeful it will be the start of my best decade yet.
Good. You deserve better.
“Do what a good wife would do”.
And she did. She left her sinful adultery husband and will try to find her own happiness. Maybe with a good Christian husband that won’t cheat.
I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of you. You deserve a beautiful life 🖤
I felt so sad reading this. I also think she was extremely restrained. If any man slapped me, I would find a baseball bat and blow out his teeth.
Here's hoping she can forget all about this terrible part of her life and move forward to better things.
“Like the tooth fairy for adult A-holes.”
Nobody needs to raise the child of their partner's affair. You did the right thing for you.
I have waited so long hoping to see this update.
Good for you!!! Have a wonderful, fulfilled, happy, and safe new life!!!!
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts, I truly believe I could feel the support from wherever you are in the world. May you have a wonderful life.