'I think my husband and my sister are too close now that they work together.' UPDATED

"I (31F) think my husband (29M) and my sister (28F) are too close for comfort?"

8 months ago, my sister (28F) moved back into town. A small backstory: She has not lived here in 10 years, as she originally left for college and never came back. We grew apart, we talked maybe once a year, and I haven’t seen her physically in 4 years.

I’ve (31F) been with my husband (29M) for 8 years, married 3. She has met him twice in the entire duration of my relationship with him. He’s a quiet and serious man, who only opens up in front of me and a few of his select friends.

She was struggling to get a job here, so I thought I’d be a good person and ask my husband if he could maybe help her find a job at his company since they work in the same type of field.

Fast forward to current times, they actually work in the same department now. He’s been acting more closed off towards me lately, but he claims everything is fine when I ask him what is wrong.

We had our traditional family Christmas meal yesterday, and at first he tried to get out of it. This is not something he’s ever tried to do, and I was very confused by this. After some convincing, he finally agreed to come along.

My sister pulled him aside a few times, and they were in a very deep conversation, as if the rest of us didn’t exist. When I approached them every time, they both would jump a little and when I’d ask what they were talking about they would say “a work project that’s near deadline”.

I was feeling a little off about their behavior, but the one thing that got me the most was at one point he got up to go get himself another drink…she was sitting in a chair that was next to the kitchen door, so he had to pass her to go to the kitchen.

When he was near her, she put her hand up / reached towards him, and he caressed her palm and lightly grabbed her fingers as he walked past her. She looked up at him with a big smile, he looked down at her and nodded his head. As soon as he was out of sight, she turned her head towards me and smirked at me.

When it was time for dinner, there was a main dining table that seats most of the guests. There was a second table that could seat an additional 4 people. She sat down at the side table, away from everyone else.

I got my plate and sat down at the main table, but saw that he sat down at the side table with her. I told him there was a seat next to me, and he told me he wanted to sit where he was at. I decided to join them, and they went from actively talking to each other to just sitting in silence while we ate.

I later asked him what that hand touching was about, and he said “It’s just a high five”. I said it didn’t look like a high five, and he said that’s all it was. I’ve never had any reason to suspect him of cheating, but this has me feeling on edge.

I’ve been battling with myself to investigate further… another thing is that he doesn’t focus that strongly when he and I talk, it’s always just short answers and lighthearted. They were having some intense conversations, where he was hanging on her every word and giving her in depth responses. Would this make you feel like something is going on?

There were several instances where they were both on their phone texting at the same time as well, and glancing at each other sometimes. That could be nothing, but after everything else - it made me feel uneasy.

TLDR: I am starting to suspect my husband and my sister may be having an affair, or are beginning to think about doing so. I can't decide if I'm being paranoid, or if there's really something suspicious going on.

I don't know if I should talk to him (or her) more, set clear boundaries, or investigate further. What are some steps I can take?

Here were the top comments on the original post:

intoon

Op I’m so sorry. They’re having an affair, and she wants more. She wants him to choose her. That’s why he didn’t want to go. This is why she smirked at you watching him caress her hand like they’re in a gd Jane Austen novel.

Go through the phone records and see who he kept texting during dinner, I’d bet my kids college fund it was her.

Hire the PI. Consult an attorney. He’s going to try to hide as much as possible since you showed distrust earlier.

thomasedmund84

While the touch was the disgusting icing on the gross cake (so sorry OP) I think the fact your husband was desperately trying to get out of family dinner (they knew it would be hard to hold up the façade) it pretty much a dead giveaway, there is zero reason for them to have been trying to avoid and yet also be so in depth in convo

celera314

Lawyer first. Don't let on that you are concerned until you have reviewed your position, protected assets, etc.

savagetaco

You have already gotten some great advice in this thread. All I have to say is be analytical about it. Remove the emotion as best you can. Don't confront him about it, get evidence, confirm your suspicion, and seek legal counsel.

If you have shared accounts, prior to dropping the bomb, take your share. Get absolutely everything in order before letting him know that YOU know.

I'm sorry you're in this position. You'll get through it, just be smart. Good luck OP.

funnysillyperson

Your own sister? Well you know her best. My sister would throw my husband out in the cold if he ever came onto her. She'd probably divorce him for me. If your sister is sleeping with your husband, she sucks. I am so sorry.

About three weeks later, OP returned with an update:

I apologize for not updating sooner, I’ve been busy getting things sorted out. After my first post on a Tuesday, I had asked my husband if he’d go on a little weekend getaway with me. We went to a cabin up in the mountains, neither of us had cell phone service.

I planned for that, as I wanted to make sure I had his full attention. The first night went fantastic, and I almost forgot everything about my concerns with my sister.

When we woke up the next morning, we cooked breakfast together but he was rather quiet. I asked if he’d go on a little walk with me, which he agreed to. When we reached the lake, there were some large rocks that you could sit on.

We both sat on the same rock, and we sat there in silence for what felt like forever. I finally got the courage to bring up the concerns I had with my sister and him, and his face went white.

He admitted to falling in love with my sister, he said that it all started because of how much they have in common. They spend more time together at work, than he does with me at home. He said he feels like he can talk to her about anything, and it never gets tiring.

He said he’s never felt more alive than he does when he’s with her, and they started having a physical affair in October. The emotional affair began in June (after working with her for a couple of months since the end of April). He apologized for hurting me, and deceiving/betraying me.

I asked him what he wanted to do about it, and he said that as much as he knows it will hurt me to say - he no longer is in love with me.

The most painful thing I’ve ever heard in my life is when he said that the way he feels for her, made him realize that he’s never once felt that way for me even at the time when he loved me the most.

He said it’s not comparable by any measure, and he doesn’t feel right staying married to me.

We are splitting in agreement that the marriage is over, but yes I am heart broken. They have both applied to transfer jobs to a different city with the same company, and he offered to let me keep the house. I told him that I didn’t want the house, because it reminds me of him/us.

We have split the finances, and he is giving me more money than he is taking. We are getting ready to list it for sale, and I have been packing and doing odds and ends like painting.

He said I could keep the full amount of the house sale. New carpet/flooring comes tomorrow, and the movers come this afternoon. I found a small house for myself to start fresh, but I know it will take some time for me to not be so heart broken.

My sister on the other hand is not handling it as kindly as he is, and she is gloating. She even “accidentally” sent me a photo of both of them where you can tell she is in heaven because she won him away from me.

She changed her profile photo to a picture of her taking a selfie of herself smiling very smug, as he is kissing her forehead. I unfollowed her on TikTok because now she’s posting videos and photos of them together, some of them are from months ago and it kicked me in the heart.

I asked him if he could please ask her to stop, he said he’d talk to her about it but nothing has changed. I have removed myself from social media for now, except for reddit.

My mother is favoring my sister's side, saying that she’s not posting those things to “hurt me”, and my sister deserves to be happy. My mom said it’s my fault for looking, and I need to stop being so petty.

My father is taking the white flag, and said he’d like to stay out of it. He said it’s not right what my sister did, but she’s still his daughter. He said he won’t accept their relationship, and he is here for me for whatever I need - but he won’t be in the middle of this.

I respect his decision on that, I’m sure it’s not an easy place to be in.m Thank you all for the kind words, and all of the advice that was given. I probably didn’t add everything, but my brain is kind of foggy at the moment.

TL;DR: My husband admitted to being in love with my sister, and having an affair. He asked for a divorce, and they are pursuing their relationship officially.

Edit: For those thinking that this unrealistic because it was magically resolved in 18 days, it is far from resolved. They are moving to a different office because he said he feels guilty, and doesn't want to be near me.

They have not transferred yet, because they can't for a while due to lack of openings. I worded it wrong, which is my fault. I wanted to update as much as possible as to try to put closure to this for those asking for an update.

Also, I am NC with all of them except my STBX at the moment and will be for a long time, if not forever. I will be NC with him after the divorce.

The comments on the sobering update:

yellowlinedpaper

My sister likes to steal men away from other women too. Trust me, it’s not going to last. She’s going to get bored once she realizes it’s not ‘getting’ to you. I give it 4 years max.

I warn men I’m in a relationship with how unfortunate she is, only one has ever fallen for it. Her friends don’t always realize it soon enough so she’s gotten a few of theirs. The best revenge is living a good life. Don’t let her see you sweat.

jrodshibuya

Woah. I’m so sorry. That is just awful, from all of them.

fjordgard

The fact that your (ex-)husband isn't shutting your sister's behavior down shows very much that he isn't "handling this kindly". He is giving you the money for the house for himself, to absolve himself of the guilt he might feel or to look less terrible in front of the people who might take your side.

It has nothing to do with you. If he had any love (even platonic love) or respect for you, he would have broken up with you before starting a relationship with anyone else, no matter with whom.

Your sister is more open about her not giving a shit about you (or even hating you), but he isn't any better. We are the company we keep and this woman is the one he has chosen.

I think you need to take a big, big step away from your whole family, including your parents, after you're done with the divorce and thus not needing to stay in contact anymore. It sounds like none of these people really love and support you - quite the opposite.

Please find yourself a good therapist and a healthy support network in form of great friends who have your back.

Tasty_doughtnut_9226

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this and clearly your sister takes after your mother, as your mother doesn't think her daughter being a POS is any concern and you should just get over it.

Is she just expecting you to be happy at family gatherings, but I can guess that you'll get the ultimatum from your mum, they're always going to be welcome and you come or don't. Way to parents not holding their children to account for shitty behaviour.

Your ex is also a huge POS. I wish them paranoia and a lifetime of itchy genitals on your behalf.

You do what is right for you/your mental health. At that may also mean going LC with your parents as it doesn't sound like they support you at all.

OP

I'm currently NC with my parents at the moment, and I don't plan on changing that any time soon. I let them know that I would not be attending family events in the future, even if my sister and my ex-husband don't work out. I'm appalled by all of them! I have been seeking counseling through all of this, and it is helping so far.

giag27

My heart sank. I felt the heartbreak, and the betrayal not only by these 2 vile people but from her family as well. I’m so sorry Op, I can’t imagine.. I wish I was your friend IRL.. no one is fighting for you. People make me sick.

overwitch666

God, this. Not only is she losing her marriage, her relationship with her family is never going to be the same, if it's even worth having a relationship at all (that's op's decision to make.) Wish I could give op a big hug. She needs people in her corner rn.

bellwetherr

this is brutal, OP, i am so so sorry for what you're going through

i hope you can find some peace and really take care of yourself! you deserve it!