When this woman may have upset her sick husband, she asks Reddit:
AITA for telling my husband I don’t care he might have a degenerative disease? My husband (35) has been complaining about the muscles in one of his arms twitching for a week and he’s convinced he has ALS. He came home from work today and said his mouth was salivating more than normal and informed me that’s a symptom of ALS.
When he first told me he was concerned, my immediate reaction was, obviously, fear and concern so I asked him if he would please call a doctor the next day. He jumped down my throat for not having any sympathy so I shut up and walked away.
He has a history of complaining about his health and not doing anything about it. He complained about groin pain for the first ten years of our relationship and I got sick of hearing about it so every time he complained I would ask if he had called a doctor yet. The answer was always no.
We were on a hiking trip three years ago and when we got back to the cabin he was laying on the sofa and said he felt a bulge in his groin. I immediately knew it was a hernia and told him to make an appointment ASAP. It took withholding se% before he would finally go to a doctor where he was diagnosed with “massive” bi-lateral hernias.
So yeah, my sympathy for his health complaints is gone. I feel like he should seek the advice and guidance of a professional if he thinks something is very wrong because I’m as far from being in the medical field as one can get. I’ve tried making his appointments for him in the past but he either just wouldn’t go or would cancel them.
Back to the ALS concern: Tonight when he got home and informed me about his watery mouth, I asked him if he had called our healthcare provider today. He said no. I calmly asked him why not and then said I was concerned that he thought he had a serious degenerative disease but wouldn’t do anything about it.
An argument ensued and he called me a see you next Tuesday for not having any sympathy for his ailments. I told him I really didn’t care if he THOUGHT he had a serious disease, what I do care about is IF he has a serious disease, knowing that we will tackle it once there’s a diagnosis. I’m not remotely interested in coddling his hypochondria.
So… am I the asshole for telling my husband I don’t care he might have a degenerative disease because he won’t seek medical help? AITA?
NTA. Some people have a mental thing where they assume that the ritual of getting other people's sympathy is all they need.
They can't imagine enjoying actually getting better, by going to a doctor and finding out what is wrong and following the doctor's instructions in order to solve the problem. It sounds uncomfy.
They also can't figure out that if they go on applying sympathy to a steadily worsening medical issue, that medical issue may well kill them, and then they won't be able to follow their ritual anymore.
Source: Parent who died after refusing to do the work to get better, because immediately feeling better was just so important to her. You have my permission to show this to him if you think it'll help.
NTA. You can't force him to stay alive for your family. You've made doctor's appointments and begged only to be called names. What he's doing is selfish and cruel and no, you don't own him any sympathy anymore.
He is putting your family in a really vulnerable spot and holding you hostage to his complaining about an ailment with the power to end his life, with absolutely no intention of doing anything about it. At some point, it's just a big fuck you to you and your family for him to be so abusive to you about his own cowardice.
Stop arguing with him. Just say, "okay," when he complains about his health, change the subject or excuse yourself from the room. But make sure the insurance premiums are paid up and that there is life insurance.
Women live much longer than their husbands because of bullshit like this. If he's determined to die prematurely, make sure his death only breaks your heart, not your ability to survive financially without him.
NTA. I feel for you so much. I lost my husband almost 7 months ago. He'd complain all the time about certain things. But no matter how much I tried and begged he didn't take care of himself.
His meds were put out daily, I tried to get him to deal with the sleep apnea, i made several drs appts for everything. I tried in general every single way possible for him to care for his health. In the end they need to want to.
And unfortunately by the time my husband really wanted to and tried it was too late. Please don't hold any guilt in your heart, you've tried. You're nta in my opinion.