'AITA for telling my husband not to spend so much time with his exes?'
"AITA for telling my husband not to spend so much time with his exes?"
Down-Sky6
Through a series of choices, my (F36) husband Josh (M38) has 2 children from 2 previous relationships. Jess (F37) has a son aged 9, and Sarah (F30) has a daughter aged 4. Despite separating from these women, Josh has remained very close friends with both of them and has taken an active role in raising both of his children.
When I said that Josh has remained close friends with his exes, I mean really close. He covers all childcare costs for both children and even covers most of the living expenses of both Jess and Sarah.
Last month, it was Jess’s birthday, and he bought her a very expensive watch. Just last weekend, he went out to dinner with Sarah while Sarah’s sister babysat their daughter. There are some other examples of him spending time with them that also come to my mind as well.
For example, this past summer, he took 4 trips. One with me, one with Jess and their son, one with Sarah and their daughter, and one with just his kids.
Beyond this, Josh spends roughly 3-4 days each week with his children. It's pretty common that he spends nights over at their mom's homes. Since I have my own kid on the way (in a few weeks), I am starting to feel a bit overlooked and think that Josh needs to prioritize our needs first.
Josh makes quite a lot of money, and every time I hinted at my concerns in the past, he has always brushed them off and said things like how he is more than capable of providing for his children. But, I feel that he’s missing the point and avoids addressing the time he spends with his exes.
I’ve grown increasingly frustrated with these circumstances, so I confronted him about them this morning before he went to work. I was pretty angry when I spoke with him, and he could definitely tell by my tone. He did listen to everything I had to say and then said that he’d make an effort to spend more time with me and that he was sorry he made me feel this way.
When I mentioned that I wanted him to spend less time with Jess and Sarah and their kids, he became defensive. He said that all of his children were his number one priority, that the time he spent with them was non-negotiable, and that he’d never compromise his commitment to them.
When I mentioned our own kid's needs, he told me that didn’t change anything and that the conversation was over. He left for work shortly afterwards.
I'm honestly very confused and don't know how to approach this conversation later. AITA?
More context: For those wondering, neither Jess or Sarah are in other relationships.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
MoonGladeLadyBug
THE MAN HAS THREE FAMILIES; THREE WIVES, THREE KIDS (soon) He lives a polygamous life without the label. I don’t know who the ahole is.
Pronebasilisk
This is a two part AITA question in my eyes.
NTA, it's a little weird how he goes to dinner with them alone. Paying for everything is fine in my eyes because he's doing far more than a lot of divorced men do for their kids and mother of their children. But, I can't shake the feeling that it's still a bit much.
YTA for asking him to spend less time with his kids. They don't play second fiddle to your kid, and your kid doesn't either to them. You don't get do delegate his time with his kids.
facinationstreet
YTA because:
You knew all of this. You married him. You got knocked up by him. You think something will now magically change? You have been the side chick all of this time.
BWM_Dimples
Something is definitely off here. The children should be coming to his home, not him going over there. Also, if it were strictly a parenting situation - why aren’t you joining him. Idk, I’d say that this type of scenario would be nonnegotiable for me.
It is 1000% not normal for him to be taking vacations with his ex lover or staying at their home regularly without you being there, regardless of having children. Imagine the message it will send the kids “are mom and dad together, or not”, will the kids regard you as a step mom? To me he sounds like he’s living 3 lives and you are now permanently part of that weird scenario.
The OP responded here:
Down-Sky6
'Imagine the message it will send the kids'
Yeah, I'm not sure about this at all. He says that the other two kids act like normal siblings with one another and he wants our kid to have the same relationship with them as they do with each other
BWM_Dimples
But why aren’t you included? Do they come to your home and know you as Dad's partner?
The OP again responded:
Down-Sky6
They have come to our home a few times, and I'm pretty sure that they know that I'm with their dad now.
LeLaLoLe
You are pretty sure or do they really KNOW? There is a difference.
He acts the kids could get the impression that their parents can get together any time or are still together with a non commun way of living.
Again, the OP tried to explain:
Down-Sky6
The older child knows (99% sure), the little one I'm not so sure about.