Wife can't shake the feeling that husband is inappropriate with babysitter. + Update
"Would it bother you if your husband did this??"
throwRAtv
I’m asking here because my mother says I’m justified in feeling uncomfortable with this and my younger sister says I’m not. For background information, I’m 35, female. My husband is 38, male. We’ve been married for 11 years. We have two sons. There’s a young woman (25, female) who rents an apartment down the street from our house.
She and my husband knew each other from years ago, because she used to be friends with my brother in law (who now lives in another state, he lost contact with almost everyone from his past including his family for a while but he’s starting to turn his life around now).
So my husband kind of knew her when they were younger, but they didn’t stay in contact or have any relationship with each other until last summer when she moved into her current apartment.
She’s a nice girl, sometimes she helps out watching our boys when our schedules when something comes up. We always invite her over when we have parties or BBQs, she gets along well with everyone.
The first thing that happened that bothered me (that could just be me overreacting) was one night she had come over to watch our sons when our normal babysitter pulled out last minute, she always refuses payment so we bought her takeout from a local restaurant with the rest of us and she ate over.
She had been swimming with the boys in our pool, and at one point said something about being cold. I was going to tell her I would run upstairs and grab her one of my sweaters when my husband took off the hoodie he was wearing and gave it to her.
It just made me feel uncomfortable for some reason, but again I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not. I talked to my husband and told him how it made me feel, and told him next time in a situation like that it was so much easier to go and get one of my sweaters.
He did apologize (but it doesn’t help that after he gave it to her she kept it for a few days, when she brought it back it smelled overwhelmingly like her, I asked him if he wanted me to wash it and he said no, as far as I know it still hasn’t been washed). Last night, she came over for a graduation party for one of sons (elementary school graduation).
She got a phone call in the middle of it and left for about an hour, my husband went over to check on her and she came back but seemed really upset and said something was going on with her mom health wise, I didn’t get much more info than that because I was hosting the party.
Later on almost everyone had left I was putting the boys to bed, the two of them were talking by the fire pit on this swing we have, she still seemed really upset and he had his arm around her shoulders and was clearly trying to cheer her up.
None of that bothered me. What bothers me is that when I came back outside they were both asleep on the swing with her head on him. I woke them up and they both seemed genuinely surprised and she got up, but they didn’t seem as though they got “caught” or anything.
I talked to my husband again about how it bothered me and he apologized but said that he was just trying to make her feel better and since then relationship is completely platonic I don’t have anything to be uncomfortable about and he asked if I would be upset if she was a cousin, I told him no but she’s not a cousin.
He said ok and that he understood but I don’t know if he really does or was just tired and wanted the conversation to be over peacefully. My mother agreed that if she was in this situation she would be upset but my sister thinks I’m overreacting and she’d be fine with this, but my sister also isn’t married. I’m not completely sure if I’m overreacting or not so I’m looking for some other perspectives.
Last night, she came over for a graduation party for one of sons. She got a phone call in the middle of it and left for about an hour, my husband went over to check on her and she came back but seemed really upset and said something was going on with her mom health wise, I didn’t get much more info than that because I was hosting the party.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Live-Maize6410
Man here. Eh, that’s too close for my comfort. If my wife were in that situation I wouldn’t be outraged, but I’d be like “let’s not be falling asleep together with your head on his shoulder. It’s fuckin weird.” I think you’re in the right to feel uncomfortable.
TyrannoROARus
Exactly! 9/10 times if the other person in these things would simply ask themselves "how would I react if roles reversed" then they would realize how totes inapropes they're being.
DangerousNightsClub
Also a man. The hoodie thing is fine, I see it as just being a gentleman but I can see how OP perceived it as odd. Although in this case she was right to perceive it that way evidently, but usually I’d say that isn’t too suspect. The no wash thing is straight weird.
The secluded talking, the emotion being expressed so comfortably in front of OP’s husband by some new random woman from his past, his arm around her, the fact it seems like he’s spending more time talking to this woman alone than being with his wife.
The falling asleep near a swing set with her head on his f shoulder. Yeah like I said I’m a dude, I know how we think and either homie is cheating or homie’s certainly thinking about it. You should talk to him again ASAP u/throwRAtv.
I don’t really know how to advise beyond that until I hear what he has to say but if you bring up all of this above at once, expressing how it looks from your perspective and how upset it makes you, and he doesn’t see a problem in his actions or make active steps to work with you on this, then you need to reevaluate how he prioritizes you and your relationship.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: Would it bother you if you husband did this??"
throwRAtv
Part 1
Hello everyone. Thank you for all of the words of advice and different perspectives on my situation. The unanimous consensus seemed to be to talk to my husband again, and set boundaries.
I sat down and had another talk with him. I told him I wasn’t accusing him of anything and laid out exactly how everything had made me feel. He seemed genuinely sorry that I felt that way, and said he was happy that I talked to him about it all and was open about it.
But he said that he didn’t understand. He said that if I was secure in our relationship, and his loyalty and monogamy, and that if I trusted her, he didn’t understand why I was upset about these things.
I tried to ask him if he would feel like it wasn’t a big deal if the roles were reversed, and it was a male friend who I was getting close to like that. He said that if there was a male and he knew the feelings were completely platonic he would be fine with it.
But he said that he respected that I wasn’t, and that he was going to be more aware around her, he said he didn’t think it was fair to cut her off or stop inviting her over or having her watch the boys and I did agree.
I’m glad that he respected my boundaries and heard me out, I do wish he had understood where I was coming from a bit better though. Either way, thanks for the advice to talk to him again. I’m happy i was clear about how it all made me feel and he knows now.
Part 2
I wrote the above update, and was going to post it but then we had a fight which I think is worth bringing up here. There were so many people talking about the hoodie. So I went to go get it, and I washed it.
When I was folding the laundry, my husband came in and saw that I had washed it and definitely seemed a little annoyed-he kind of sighed, rolled his eyes and shook his head. I didn’t say anything though.
Later on as he was putting everything away into his closet he held up the hoodie and was like, “I told you that you didn’t have to wash it, if you’re so sure I’m going to cheat on you why does it matter what my hoodie smells like?” and then he took it and threw it onto floor of his closet instead of hanging it up with the rest of them.
I told him I didn’t think he was going to cheat on me, but I didn’t like his clothing smelling overpoweringly like another woman, he said it hadn’t smelled overpoweringly like her she had just already washed it so it smelled like her fabric softener.
He said I was harping on this and that I was behaving ridiculously, etc. I told him that all I had done was wash a hoodie, which was the same thing I would’ve done if one of our kids clothes came back from a friends house.
Today after he got dressed his closet door was open and I saw the hoodie wasn’t on the floor anymore, but it wasn’t with his other sweatshirts either. I asked him where it was, and he didn’t answer, he just said (really low, to himself) “You’ve got to be kidding me, here we go again.”
I told him that I wasn’t trying to start anything, it had been on the floor and now it wasn’t so if it needed to be cleaned again or ironed I would. He turned around, told me to “Let go of the f**^ing hoodie, I’m not talking about it again.”
I was completely shocked because he never talked to me like that before, especially not in front of our kids. He didn’t even apologize, he just left for work and slammed the door. I really didn’t mean to make such a big deal about the hoodie, I kind of feel like he’s making a big deal about me washing it, right?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Creepy-Turnip5345
I wonder where the hoodie went....guess we'll never know ?♀️
Puzzleheaded-Gas1710
We may not know where the hoodie went, but we all agree he is definitely banging the neighbor, right?
Brave_anonymous1
Wrong. He really wants to though. But if he was already banging her - he wouldn't care about how the hoodie smelled. He cared about it so much because he has no access of something more private related to her.
Troubledbylusbies
Yes, I agree with you. His wife spoiled his fun of sniffing that hoodie because it smelled of her. It's definitely creepy to offer a piece of clothing that you've already worn, instead of a completely clean, freshly laundered item. It sends a totally different message, and the husband was trying to flirt with the 25 year old lady, right under his wife's nose. I wouldn't be happy about it.
PennyArena
Am I the only one who would, once alone with my partner, open the conversation with, “Wtf”? I feel it’s common sense 101 that you don’t go snuggling and falling asleep with someone who isn’t your partner.
GlitterDoomsday
"He said that if I was secure in our relationship, and his loyalty and monogamy, and that if I trusted her, he didn’t understand why I was upset about these things."
Dude have her the textbook answer cheaters do, he made her feel guilty about wanting to put very minor boundaries in place. OOP is in denial at this point.