Wife finds out husband was 'creeping' on her her for 2 years before they met. + Update
"My whole marriage is built on lies. I don't know who to trust."
ThwRa_Accountant_371
I am using a burner account. I am afraid this will be leaked by him. But I am on my work computer. I am a 45 year old female. My husband is 47 year old. We have 3 daughters (20F, 19F, 15F). What I thought was a perfect family was a lie orchestrated by my husband.
We moved into a new home closer to my middle daughter's college. As I was unpacking some of the stuff, I came across my husband's box. I was just checking if things were missing or not. I opened his box and found some stuff.
Those were, my photos when I was 20 years old, there were pictures of me going to my college, to my gym, hangout spot with my friends, there were lists of the places I used to visit when I was 20 years old.
But here is the thing, I met my husband on my 22nd birthday. So why does he have numerous pictures of me in different places from 20-22? He had pictures of me in my own apartment back then.
As I went into the rabbit hole, I discovered many things. A list of the places I normally went back then, like my gym, my library, my classes. He had lists of all my friends and their names in a diary. He even had the list of all the guys I had dated back then.
I found his diary from 1998. Most of his entries were about me. I didn't even know who he was back then, he didn't exist for me. I won't bore you with details but basically I found out that he staged the day we were met for the first time. To woo me, he took a job as bartender at the bar I usually went. It worked because I was very much impressed by him.
He took me to my home safely which I thought was very sweet. I forgot my purse in the bar, which was my husband's ploy too. He stole my purse so that I can come and get it.
From there we started dating. I do not want to say everything he did was a lie but that's all that was. Now I know why he always brought things that I liked. I thought that we were soulmates but in reality he was just a creep who was watching me for 2 years.
I never felt like I was in his control. In fact he has always showered me with love. He was not controlling or abusive, he had always been there for me. He was so sweet, passionate and caring that I felt like the luckiest girl in this world to be with him.
Even now, when I told him I have to work the day before Christmas he smiled and told me he will handle it. Now this is all a lie. I don't even know the person I married. How can I ever trust him? We have built our lives around a lie.
How can I tell my children that their father is con? I feel like I am going crazy. No one will believe me. He has created this image about himself that he can do no wrong. Please help me sort these feelings. I do not know what to feel.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post from the OP:
oldmercdriver
Take that box and lock it up somewhere safe. Then take it to an attorney. This man is dangerous and may hurt those around him when exposed.
Particular_Disk_9904
I am so sorry about the amount of people who stupidly think this is a joke or is okay. I can only imagine how violated and scared you are rethinking everything as your husband straight up lied to you.
Also for stalkers whose to say he will do this to someone else, or if he just views you as a possession instead of actually love you? He is clearly mentally unwell and you have to be very careful how you go about this. I would act normal, gather all your evidence and talk to a lawyer about next steps. Please up date us and please stay safe!!!!!
Emptyspace227
The fact that you discovered all of this after 20 good years of marriage must make it all the more difficult and heartbreaking. Most of the stalker behavior is weird and creepy but maybe could be forgotten if he was otherwise a good guy. But this is such an awful and selfish thing to do.
If you think this may impact whether you want to stay married to him, please talk to an attorney. But no matter what else you do, please talk to a therapist. I think this is heavy enough that you should consider professional help in dealing with your feelings on it.
BuffaloChedarBiscuit
Woof. Counseling (for you and only you) immediately, as you need someone to speak with this on that is completely removed from the situation. This is beyond my advice pay grade. It doesn't change the lifetime of happiness you guys have had, but this breaks trust in giant ways.
As you said, you guys have had a happy marriage, and you haven't felt unsafe, only the warmth of his love. This is why I suggest counseling: you don't have to break the marriage, but rather find a way to mind the gap this causes. A counselor can help navigate the broken trust to heal the wounds.
You are allowed to feel violated, and uneasy knowing what you now know, but love can make us all do crazy things, and this man has loved you for this long as well as fathered your children and treated you hopefully with respect rather than control in these years, so all is likely not lost. Good luck.
kaffeen_
I’m baffled by the number of commenters who are trying to make OP feel like this isn’t a big deal.
ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OP:
ThwRa_Accountant_371
Of course. He lied and hid the truth from me. God knows how much more he is hiding. I have doubts he even has a second family because of what a psychopath he is. I try to remember good things about him, but the fact that he has staged my entire life starting from when we started dating is scary to me. I left out many many details in case he sees the post.
about the photos:
No, I didn't share them. Those photos were taken by him while he was creeping on me. I hadn't even met him back then. And it is very ironic that you are more concerned about his privacy being violated when he has been violating my privacy for more than 20 years.
On if the story is fake
I am going to make it clear once and for all and people who are interested can read this comment. NO this is not fake. I changed some details to make it less obvious but the main point is unchanged. Why would I attention seek through a Throwaway?
And for those who asking about the diaries, I came across them while setting up our house. Back then he had a habit of journaling. He would keep a diary with him everywhere he went. He stopped after our wedding. He has kept every diary. I didn't read any of those. Just the one from the year when he was following me.
Around three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"(Update)-My whole marriage is built on lies. I don't know who to trust."
ThwRa_Accountant_371
Hello everyone, Happy new year. I just wanted to give you guys an update. Thanks for all the comments and advice. I know many of you are eager for an update. So here it is, short story, we are separated. We are both attending therapy, individually and couple's therapy. We are not getting a divorce for now. But I did tell my girls the truth.
Long version: The day after I posted this, I started to plan how I wanted to approach it. I acted like everything was normal during christmas. But my husband had noticed that I was concerned. It was hard faking everything knowing how much he had lied.
After the Christmas dinner, I sat down with my husband and told him everything. I even showed him what I had found. I asked him to tell me the truth. He didn't deny it. He said that he once saw me at my gym and knew he wanted to meet me. So he followed me around.
Back then all my hangout places, gym, college were in the same area so it was easy for him. He would often be sitting outside my house somedays to see where I go. Then when he saw the bar I used to go with my friend quite often he somehow managed to get a job there. And you know the rest.
At that moment I felt sick to my stomach. I was overwhelmed with fear and anger. I was crying. My husband came to comfort me and I screamed at him "Dont touch me you creep", I can see he was hurt by it.
He was begging me to forgive him. He said that he knows what he did was wrong but the love he had for me was true. We didn't sleep the whole night. I pressured him to tell me everything. How much did he control my life or I will tell the girls everything.
He was honest. He said the night we met was the only thing he orchestrated. Everything else is true. He didn't follow me. He trusted me and begged me to not leave him.
When the morning came I urged my husband to tell my girls the truth. Because I wanted separation. And I do not want to hide anything from them. We didn't tell him anything about the creeping. Just the fact that we will be separating and we still love them.
My youngest didn't take it well. My oldest and middle child were understanding. I told my husband he and I both need therapy to see where do we stand. I was seriously questioning my marriage. Then again, he was the best partner I've ever had. He is a perfect husband and a good father.
I remember those times when we would enjoy the snow on New Years and barely get out of bed. I will always remember the good memories we shared. Our wedding, our honeymoon, the birth of our children, every family vacation. Those were not lies.
I know that he loves me deeply but this is something I cannot get it off my head. Now I just feel guilty about calling him a creep. I can see it broke him inside. I love him so deeply. I know he loves me too.
He never hurt me or did anything that would cause me any harm. He never cheated on me. He could've but he didn't. That's why divorce is not an option. We will see how we can move past this through therapy. This might just be my last update. Unless things change.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
armchairdetective
I feel like there is something wrong with nearly every comment on here. The man is psychotic and anyone who thinks he is a good man who just loves her needs to take a long look at what they think is acceptable behaviour. OP is not safe with him. He should not be allowed near women.
Primary-Criticism929
I remember reading this and some of the comments were disturbing. Some people actually believed that being followed for 2 years is not a big deal. I'm wondering what else this dude did other the past 20 years to keep his wife.
MikrokosmicUnicorn
i feel like people are conflating the "watched her from afar at a place they both regularly attend such as school or work and maybe noticed what she liked to get from the vending machine before working up the courage to approach her" romcom trope with "literally stalked her to use the knowledge she couldn't suspect he had to manipulate her" psychological thriller trope here.
peter095837
Jesus christ, what on earth did I just read....This husband is a creep and definitely a stalker. The fact he has pictures of her before they met and somehow OP didn't think of divorce doesn't make me feel right. But the commenter might be right about OP being a stockholm syndrome victim.