Man finds out his wife has been using her 'Annual Girls Trip' as an 'Annual Hall Pass.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
"Wife has been using her Annual Girls Trip as an Annual Hall Pass"
My wiife (Gwen, 31F) and I (Robert, 33M) have been together for 11 years and married for 8. We have a set of 4 year old twins (M/F). Our relationship the last 3 years has been spectacular.
We spend at least one night a week together on a date, intimacy is regular, we discuss everything, have long intimate conversations, and financially we are hitting full stride, both of us have growing careers.
It wasn't always this good, but never has been bad either. We have grown up together. We had a lot of the typical couple issues early on and throughout our 20s. But each challenge just seemed to bring us closer in the end. That's what makes what I found out 2 days ago so much more devastating. My wife has been cheating on me.
Every June, my wife and her best friend, Scarlett, take a girls trip. It's been a tradition they've done since they were 18. It's nothing crazy, they usually just pick a nearby touristy town and spend the weekend shopping, or laying by a pool, or doing spa treatments. Nothing too over the top. She has this year's trip already booked and it's in just a couple of weeks.
The other day, I was looking at our bank account app, and it wanted some mandatory info verification for privacy sake. I clicked the button and it went into 2 step authorization. Clicked okay and it said it had to send me a code via text, but it's my wife's phone tied to the account.
I begrudgingly got up and went and found her phone. I would normally ask but she was napping and I didn't want to wake her. I picked the phone up and hit for the code to unlock since it obviously wasn't going to recognize my face. I know the pin it's the same thing she uses for everything.
Once unlocked she has Snapchat open, and there's a message from her bff in the chat. It says, "Are you really going to go through with it?" A sense of dread washed over me.
I really had no reason to feel this way, but something about the question just felt so off. I thought hard about how my wife would respond, and typed back, "Why wouldn't I?" Scarlett responded, "I'm just saying, 2 guys at once is pretty intense."
My heart dropped, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Knowing I couldn't keep the charade up I stopped responding and began looking through the Snaps. There were 2 guys I vaguely recognized as being from my wife's past.
Unfortunately, it's Snapchat, so when I clicked on them there was nothing there. I went into her phone deeper. Nothing in her texts or email. I look through a oddly named folder and in it is Whatsapp. Here are the messages I was looking for. Her messaging with her old HS boyfriend (Donald 31M), making plans for their upcoming "girls" trip.
No smoking gun, no sexts or pics, but definitely flirty. Definitely making plans to meet at the hotel, and definitely planning on him bringing his college roommate, who was also my wife's 2nd boyfriend (Jon, 32M).
I couldn't believe she would do this. I was also wondering how long this has been going on. There are not a lot of messages, but I could tell that this won't be the first time Donald has joined her on the "girls trip."
I knew since Scarlett would figure out that I sent that last response, I had to confront my wife when she awoke. When she finally awoke, some gruelling 45 minutes later, she immediately picked up her phone. She didn't even notice me sitting in the chair in the corner of our room.
After looking at her snaps, and sending a few back to Scarlett she finally put 2 and 2 together and realized I had been on her phone. She looked over and finally noticed my presence. Her first words, said in a very aggravated tone, were, "Did you go through my phone?"
Before I could even get a word out she starts laying into me about invasion of privacy. I became immediately engaged. How dare she blame me for anything. I tell her I know she is cheating, that she's talking to Donald and Jon, and that her and Scarletts trip is just a cover.
At first she tries to deny everything. Tries to gaslight me. Telling me I'm reading too much into the messages, that she is just catching up with old friends and knew I would act like this, that's why she didn't tell me they were going to get lunch. It was all bs.
I got so mad this whole thing devolved into just screaming and yelling. I told her I wanted a divorce, and she said, "Really, you're going to throw away over 10 years over a couple of nothing texts."
Implying I was the one throwing things away, made me see the darkest red, and I said what I knew would get under skin the far more than anything else, "I'm not the one throwing it away."
Now I knew this would drive her crazy. She HATES that word. She even gets upset when TV characters say it. I've never seen her that mad but it worked. She totally flipped and screamed at me that she "Does this for us." I was mind blown by that statement, but she wasn't done. I'm paraphrasing from memory but basically she just ragingly started spouting off everything:
"WHY DO YOU THINK OUR RELATIONSHIP GETS BETTER EVERY YEAR, I DESERVE THIS. It's my free weekend, it lets me handle all the bs from the year, resets me. If you can't understand that that's your problem. So what if I'm crossing some lines, are you not happy?
We have it great, and all it costs is me getting one weekend a year off. (At this point she softened a little but kept a stern tone). I get it, your pride is hurt, but it has nothing to do with you, this is for me. You can have a great life, I just need this once a year, and you need to make peace with that. We have a good thing going, don't mess it up because you're mad now."
I couldn't believe what I heard. I felt literally woozy in that moment. My chest tightened. This woman was out of her mind. I didn't say a word. I left the room, went to my car and headed for my brother's house. When I arrived I just texted my wife "I'm at Mickey's, please dont message me, I need time."
I've been hanging out here for 2 days just under the guise of generic marital problems. She has texted me each morning asking me to come home and talk. I responded both times "not yet." I don't know what to do, I've never been hurt so badly, or so callously. I love her, but this is too much, I plan to go back home tomorrow and try and sort this out. I don't see how we ever come back from this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
smeeti
I don’t think you can come back from this. She has been cheating and is unapologetic. You deserve better.
silkendick
Have to say this makes me rage a bit inside. Not sure whats worse - the cheating or the fact that she said she needs to do this once a year to make the relationship work with you.
jabbo13
Text her and say you cannot believe she wpuld cheat on you. When she responds with whatever you will have proof of her admission which may help with divorce proceedings if you go that route. Best of luck.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
Well, it's been a week, so I thought an update was due. It's not a good one, and I am beside myself with what to do. So a day after my last post I went home to talk to her. She started off by giving what seemed to be a truly remorseful apology. Just not for what she has been doing, but because I was never supposed to find out, and especially not find out like this.
She kept going on a out how she loves me and didn't want me to be hurt. There was no remorse for the cheating and some blame shifting (telling me I shouldn't have been on her phone in the first place).
She told me she wants our marriage to continue, I started to speak up and she cut me off and said to "just hear her out." She began this like prepared list of reasons we shouldn't divorce. I can't remember all of it but there were basically 3 reasons and all these sub reasons that backed them up.
The Twins, we don't want them growing up in a broken home. They are so young and this is what they know. Neither of us wants to see them half the time. This was the only reason that I consider even remotely valid.
Our relationship is actually great. We compliment each other, have so much fun together, rarely ever argue and when we do it's more a discussion. We indulge each other's likes. We have intimacy often. Just on and on.
Up until a few weeks ago I would have agreed with all this completely. I tried pointing out that infidelity kind of negates all that. This is where I could see she felt no remorse and I could tell she believes all her own bs. She said the "Girls Trip" is what makes all this possible. I was dumbstruck.
She went on to say her yearly trip allows her to get all of it out her system. It's the reason she can be all these great things all year long. That anytime she feels a little resentment about something, or I'm just getting under her skin, or she doesn't feel like being intimate or indulging one of my hobbies, she can always put that aside because she has this. I literally can't believe the audacity of this woman.
Financial stability, wasn't much just her pointing out how much difficult it'll be with us both on our own, as we live so comfortably and get to do so much because we both are good earners. Who cares.
When I finally got to speak, I told her how hurt, betrayed and insulted I was. She did tear up and apologize for hurting me, but at no point did she apologize for the actual cheating. Sticking to the idea that I was never supposed to find out.
I asked how long, and she said 10 years (that's basically our whole relationship). I began to ask for more info but she cut me off again and said that talking about the past is just going to hurt more, she wants to talk about the future and what I needed to work this out.
I told her if you want to reconcile then obviously this trip needs to end. She stopped me there and said, "No, I'm not going to stop, I'm still going this year." I got angry and yelled "Then we are done, I'm leaving and divorcing you." This is when things turned worse. She sighed and said "No you're not, I didn't want to do this but you lose if you leave.
We will split custody, we will split our money, but we will also split our debt and I have more than you, half will become yours. The house is in my and families name, and is a premarital asset. Also, you don't have any proof I did anything, you saw some vague messages that are now gone. I bet you didn't send them to yourself or take pics did you?
This is a no fault state with no infidelity clauses. I'll be really devastated to be without you, I don't want you to think I don't love you, but I'll move on, here in this house, with more free time. You'll move in with your mom or brother, and be miserable trying to rebuild on your own."
I felt so defeated in that moment, and she could tell. I sat there just wishing I could disappear. Gwen seeing the collapse moved in to comfort me, and I just let it happen and didn't respond at all.
She started talking again saying, "Let's just go back to the way things were, you can keep your life, I hate seeing you like this and will do everything to make you happy, you can tell yourself whatever you want for the 2 days a year I'm gone. I understand you need some time so take it, but don't toss us away because of pride."
This has been the most painful week. I don't want all this pain, I want the life I had and I guess it's on the table. But you can't just erase it, the mind movies are brutal and the realization that she feels no guilt, that she actually sees her cheating as a good thing has my questioning everything.
I feel like can't even trust myself or my judgement because I'm the idiot who fell in love with this person. I'm still here at the house, she is love bombing me like never before.
Trying to initiate, making me meals, buying me stuff, complimenting. It's insane. I don't know what to do, is it really possible to put this behind us, to just "deal with it?" I don't even know, no matter what happens, I lose, she wins.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
alicat33133
She is cold blooded. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Honestly I would play the long game. Start figuring out a way to protect yourself when you leave even if you have to put up with her temporarily. Then go scorched earth.
Parking-Slice-6539
Private investigator for her “weekend”. Pictures won’t lie. There is a way around this. You married a pure narcissist. Plan and protect yourself and your children from this monster.
jennypurplethefirst
Exactly this, that will piss all over her “no proof” nonsense. Speak to a lawyer and make a plan to get everything in order so you can leave. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, lots of love to you mate x
A few days later, the OP returned with another update.
Well, she left this morning for her "Girls Trip." I spent the morning taking care of the twins. We did Play-Doh for a couple hours. It's amazing how intent their little distractible brains get when you bust out new tubes and a couple of big play sets. Anyway, it was welcome distraction from the turmoil of the past few weeks, which only got worse the last few days.
I still can't believe she went. It is amazing how crazy her ability to compartmentalize is. I mean everyday she is just the best mom. She also has been trying so hard to make me happy. Even when I'm rude to her, she just says, "I know that's the anger talking, it's valid, but I wont take it, I'm going to give you time to cool off."
Like WTF. She has come on to me every day since DDay, and I'm disgusted with myself because I've given in twice. Each time I feel literally sick. Meanwhile she acts like it was the best time ever.
I am embarrassed to report I have been doing the picking me dance, trying to get her to not go. In the end it didn't matter, she still went. To Hannibal, Missouri of all places, for a craft fair and to hook up with her 2 ex boyfriends.
Surprisingly, I have felt pretty numb today. Like I'm finally ready to accept this is who she is. I should have accepted it last week when I finally got the details out of her about the years of "Girls Trips" that came before.
That was pain staking to do in its own right. Not because I had to drag the info out of her, no, she seemed excited to share her exploits, but because she was so determined to not give me the opportunity to have hard evidence. This woman had me put my phone in the car, then have this conversation in the shower. Like who even thinks of that?
She started off by asking if I remember when her and Scarlet went to Santa Claus, IN? I said "Yeah, we had only been dating like 2 months." She said, "Right. Nothing happened that time, or 5 years ago when I was 6 months pregnant with the twins. But every other time I have been with at least 1 other guy."
"At least?" I inquired. She said, "Yes, at least, the first few years I didn't have a plan other than picking up a guy and bringing him back to the hotel. If he was a lame duck, I'd pick up someone else the next day, if he was good I would keep him for the weekend."
For some reason this was actually worse than it being a full blown affair, the idea that she was just picking up random dudes made my skin crawl. When I asked if she used protection she said, "Sometimes."
While disgusted, I pressed on and asked why she started cheating in the first place. She said, "You remember we were having some serious issues just after our first year together. I had the trip coming up and was venting to Scarlett about it, she was having some problems with Sam (her then BF, now Husband) and said we should cheat on you guys.
At first I was appalled, but then she told me about how her Mom has cheated on her Dad forever. He just takes it, turns a blind eye. She used to get so mad at her Mom, but told me one day something happened. When she was 16, Scarlett got sick at school and was sent home. She drove herself home and quietly came inside, only to catch her Mom in the act.
Upset and crying she asked her Mom why? Her Mom told her because it makes her better. Having this "over" her Dad, let's her handle all the things that she doesn't like in her life, makes her a better mom and wife, and makes her feel alive."
At first Gwen was skeptical of this whole thing and told her she didn't promise she would do it. Gwen did admit though the idea excited her. It wasn't until the first night that she realized Scarlett had invited a classmate to meet her at the hotel.
She was going to be joining him in his room. At that point Gwen said she had some serious FOMO, and while they were out at a local college bar, she picked up a guy. Apparently she picked right, and kept him on "retainer" for the rest of the weekend.
This is when Gwen went into a whole monologue reminding me about how she is all year long, but especially after she returns from the "Girls Trip." It's not untrue, she has always been super attentive and intimate for weeks after, that starts the second she gets back each year.
It's crazy to think how much I used to look forward to her going, knowing that she always came back with her "Battery Charged", now knowing how she's charging it has me absolutely disgusted.
I asked, "So how did we get to you having an affair with your HS boyfriend?" She said, "It's not an affair, we hook up one weekend a year, and message a little bit leading up, that doesn't make it an affair.
But to answer your question, after the first couple years of random guys worked out, the next two years didn't, so I decided to do what Scarlett does and invite someone. The first time was a client and it went great.
The next year, we had just gotten a hot intern at work and he was always flirty, so I invited him. The weekend was amazing, but when we got back he was clingy. I ended up having to threaten him, and I learned coworkers don't make good choices. I ended up reconnecting with Donald at our HS reunion 4 years ago.
He's also married, so I knew it was safer than single guys, he had something to lose too. Don and John are still best friends, John is also married, being with 2 at once has been a fantasy for a long time, so I figured why not, and just asked."
I should have quit then, but I didn't, I did this pick me dance for another week. But now she's gone for the weekend. But I'm about to be gone too, I'm not going to live like this. She thinks she has me, but what she didn't anticipate was me going numb, I might not have a plan right now, but I have time, and I will make sure she sees consequences for this.
Edit: Getting a few questions on the history between Gwen, Don and John. Gwen and Don were HS sweethearts and decided to break up amicably right before going to the same college.
They kept up a friends with benefits thing for the first semester until Don got GF. John was Don's roommate freshman year and they became best friends, so the three of them, and some others, hung out a lot.
When Don got his GF, John asked if it was cool for him to pursue Gwen, and Don had no qualms with that and they all kept hanging out until John and Gwen broke up after about a year. Shortly after that I came into the picture and she lost touch with both of them until the HS reunion.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
senadraxx
You know what you need to do. You need to find the girlfriends and fuck them. Or, y'know, go nuclear and reveal everything if that'd work, provided you're in a safe place to do so.
But for real, you need a divorce lawyer. Now would be a wonderful time to get your documents together, separate your finances. I just read through your other posts and it honestly sounds to me like your wife is kind of abusing you. Think about it this way, if she's hiding this from you, what else is she hiding?
PleaseCoffeeMe
Be strong. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on rebuilding your life. I hate to bring this up, but have you considered a paternity test? Might want to get that done while she’s gone.
ramziyass
Private investigator. Get all the evidence you can get and expose her to everyone in her life. Or threaten to do so and use it to get rid of her whilst keeping the house and the kids, and not taking on her debt.
Ask her to move out. If not, send everything you gather to her parents, her siblings, to don and Jon’s wives, to her work, to her friend’s husband (to expose the friend too). Basically telling her that her life will be turned upside down.
A full year later, the OP returned with a final update.
It has been a long time since I last posted, but with as many people who offered support and advice, I felt I owed you all this 1 year update. I know everyone wanted me to just divorce and move on, and I would have loved too, but I also needed her to have consequences.
It took me months of researching and planning but when I was ready I was going to make her pay for her callousness. I knew I couldn't do scorched Earth. Between my states laws, custody, the fact we both have good jobs, dumpster fire was going to be the best I could pull off.
But you know what, dumpster fire was good enough. I'll never forget the look on her face. When Gwen got back from her "Girls Trip" she tried to be her usual loving self, tried to initiate, tried to tell me about it (WTF).
I played like a broken man while rejecting her. I slowly loosened up this facade, making it seem more and more like I was getting back to normal, and gradually allowed more of her affections. My whole goal was just for her to have a sense of security.
I still remembered the threats she made right after DDay. And I'll never forget her telling me I would be the loser in all of this no matter what. Well I wasn't going to lose, she was. Her biggest flaw was complacency. She expected everything to just tick on as normal, and she was in way too much fog to even think I would pull what I did.
My first plan was to hurt her financially. Not a ton I could do here, but I did empty our joint savings account. I then used that money to pay off my debts, notably the car that was in my name.
I also hired myself a lawyer and got him to draft papers. Right at the end I used a decent chuck to put a deposit and first months on a rental house. I figured timing everything up just right to ruin next year's "Girls Trip" was ideal.
Over the last year I have been slowly collecting any and all evidence of infidelity I could on Scarlett, Don, and John. With the cat being out of the bag, my wife was so much more lax with her phone.
Before, she was somewhat guarded with it, not suspiciously as I always respected her privacy for the most part, but usually she was extra guarded in the months leading up to June. Now, since she thought I was so beaten down I guess, she would just leave it laying around when she showered or slept.
This allowed me to get screenshots, pics, and send them to myself. I discovered Scarlett wasn't just hall passing the "Girls Trip" she was having a full on affair for years. The 2 guys I got enough to rise suspicion with a concerned spouse, especially if there were other red flags in the relationship.
So we finally got to the week leading up to this year's "Girls Trip". She was going to leave on Friday, unfortunately for her on Wednesday the foreclosure notice on the house came. She came up screaming at me asking why I stopped paying the mortgage and how this going to destroy our credit.
I took that moment to remind her that it wasn't my house, my name wasn't on it, she should remember she's the one that pointed that out last year. Needless to say she was extremely angry. She was raving. She was extra angry when she went to check the savings and found out it was empty.
For a few moments there I really she thought she was going to hit me. She probably would have had I not been filming this whole fiasco as it went down. The best part was she then she had to call her parents to cover the cost of stopping the foreclosure. Which I found hilarious.
She put her Dad on speaker who began ripping into me, talking about his name is still on it, and finally yelled, "Why would you do this." I simply replied, "Because your daughter likes to be with other guys." She screamed at me, "You are such a monster."
She turned at that point and went out of the room to deny what I just said. Which couldn't have been more convenient. I took the chaos as my cue to send the infidelity evidence I had collected to the other spouses.
Feeling content in my efforts so far I went ahead and scooped the twins up and headed for my mother's house. We had a nice time, Gwen was blowing my phone up about the house. It was unfortunate she figured out I had stopped paying on her car too, it likely would have gotten repoed any day.
The craziest part was she just could not fathom why I would do this. Kept asking me, "Wasn't she good enough? How could I do this? Why am I being so cruel?" When I finally responded, it was because I came to realize just how far gone she was, she was literally the definition believing your own bs.
I told her, "You cheat on me every year, you were gonna do it again! Why would I stay with you, why would I help you or support you, you have lost your mind." She fired back in all caps, "I DO THAT FOR US." I finally had my clear admission of cheating.
I turned my phone off for the rest of the night. I returned home after work the next day. She confronted me right at the door. I apparently "ruined" Scarlett's marriage. Samuel had left and told her he wanted a divorce.
I guess she is especially in trouble because they had a pre-nup (don't really know the details on that). Gwen had also gotten an angry and threatening call from Don's wife, so I guess everyone got my emails. Well, not totally sure, no word from John yet.
She clearly wanted to fight with me when I got there, but I wasn't having it. I've had a year to process the loss of this marriage, I'm done. When I pulled out the divorce papers and served her she melted into the floor, totally defeated. I had no comfort to give, I just gathered my "Go" bag and returned to my Mother's.
That was a week ago, she has been begging me to comeback, to work this out. She is finally promising to stop the "Girls Trip." But it's definitely too little too late. I got her together enough to work out a custody situation for the twins. That's really all that matters.
As long as we can raise two decent humans I'll be happy to coparent. As for me, I feel like a new man. I got into the house while she was gone and got more things for my new house. I bought the twins new rooms with some money I had been setting aside to do so.
The divorce will take time, I'm worried she will contest it, but I'll cross that bridge when it comes. For now I'm just going to try and enjoy each day, and maybe plan a "Boys Trip."
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final update:
throwawaysadwife123
I'd love to see a snapshot of Gwen in the future, post divorce, absolutely miserable with her life now that she lost her house, friends, marriage and kids! And just howl with regrets 🤣
CobraKaiPhD
Glad you stayed strong and did the right thing for yourself. Things will be even better for you in the future!
Mindless_Ad1503
God bless you and your girls. I hope you can put her and this shit situation behind you as soon as possible.
Comfortable_Bobcat_3
Wow, sorry you had to live this. But you turned it around brilliantly. I need to know more please give one more update.
CptGinyu8410
Hell yeah, man. I know this is a horrible situation to be in, but you're handling it like champ and happy for you. Good luck out there brother and stay strong.