Wife won't care for disabled 'cruel' husband; daughter finds the post and responds.
"AITA for refusing to take care of my husband after an accident that made him disabled?"
No_Possession9087
We have been married for 25 years and have a grown-up daughter together, who cut him out of her life. The marriage has been hard. I was the only one supporting our family, I worked at jobs that were exploitative and managed the household.
He was at home, refusing to work, because "he is not a slave." He complained about every time that he had to cook. He screamed at our daughter daily and refused to drive her to sports. He insisted she had to do everything and excel because his dream for her was for her to go to the Olympics...
My daughter developed anger issues and became mentally unstable and hard to bear. She moved out at 18 and has since then been on low contact and sometimes on no-contact with him, but she would talk to me.
He had an accident that left him mentally disabled and he is impossible to take care of. He insists he is alright and runs away or gets aggressive. He doesn't listen. I am still the one who has to work and I am just so tired of it all. I can't do this anymore...
Our daughter suggested to just send him back to his home country with his family. She doesn't care at all about him. And I can't do this alone. We have a house in his home country in his name, but I paid for it. I paid for everything.
I tried so hard to be a good wife and mother and I failed everyone. I feel guilty, but I just can't take it anymore. We were poor and a lot of things were lacking, we lived with the bare minimun and never had anything nice. We owe our daughter money at this point... I don't know what to do. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Forsaken_Age_9185
NTB you should have divorced this loser long before he got disabled. Make better choices with your life.
The OP responded to this reader:
No_Possession9087
He is very dependent on me and I felt guilty to just leave him. I worked hard to make things work and just did things without complaining. I am scared of conflict. He on the other hand thrives on it. I was afraid he would have destroyed me if I planted a divorce.
gobsmacked247
So you stayed and he destroyed you anyway... How much longer OP will his needs be more important than yours. You have options.
Wymas123
25 years! Wow that's awful. I feel sorry for your daughter that you kept this abusive a**hole in your life. Send the loser back from whence he came he's mooched enough from you. YTB by the way for not protecting your child from him.
chartreuseranger
OP, listen to me. No amount of self-sacrifice will ever turn a bad man into a good one. No amount of hard work will ever turn a bad man into a good one. No amount of 'good wife and mother' will ever turn a bad man into a good one. Choose what you think is right, but never, ever think the failure is yours.
He was a bad man. He was abusive to you and your daughter. That was his choice, and his failure. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you, and I have to tell you, you sound f*cking miserable right now. Do you really want to be shackled to misery the rest of your one and only life? NTA.
6 days later, the OP's daughter made her own post explaining the situation from her point of view.
"AITA for refusing to take care of my husband after an accident that made him disabled? UPDATE"
YeahSure123_
I am the daughter posting from a ThrowAway since I don't want my mother to know my main account. A friend actually found the post and I confronted my mother about it. Everything I will post here, she can also read.
First, thanks for the comments guys, I appreciate your good effort. But, it is useless. She is back in her "martyr"-role, even more than before, for "speaking ill about her beloved husband."
I am one step away from cutting her out, also. In fact, I suffered a lot more abuse than she described. I was insulted, screamed at, gaslighted, and body-shamed daily. As a kid, he would often burn the food and scream at me until I ate it. I developed an eating disorder, depression, panic attacks and was in a bad place for a lot of years. I went through hell.
My mother would always come in, making excuses for him. It has been like this forever. She loves him, his needs come before mine and hers. I wasn't going to post, but she appeared at my door today, with him, begging for help.
I told her I wanted no contact. She just acts like my boundaries don't exist. My boyfriend had to send them away. So yeah, she can stay in hell with him. Sorry that she wasted your time like this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after hearing from the OP's daughter:
Princess-Flora74
I’m very sorry you had to go through all this. She absolutely should have protected you. I’m glad you have your boyfriend in your corner. Until your mother grows a backbone I would definitely keep away. Best of luck to you.
Librashell
I had my comment deleted by the mods on the original post and mom just proved me right. Hope you have a long and happy life without your toxic parents, OP.
anonny42357
Jesus f*cking christ. Who else called it! Narcissist father, martyr/enabler mommy, and the scapegoat kid. I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. Your story isn't exactly the same as mine, but its still the same story. Narcissistic father, enabler mother, scapegoat kids, emotional, psychological, and physical abuse from a useless loser who could only feel better about himself by being abusive.
Now narc daddy has stage 3 cancer, and I'm sure my mother is wondering why, though I heard about his diagnonsense in July, I haven't bothered to even look at plane fare home. Block them everywhere, and go full NC, and if they dont get the message, file a restraining order.
Your mother made her bed when she chose that dirtbag over you and enabled his uselessness and abuse. Let them both lie in it. I just hope you don't live in a country where you're responsible for the people that spawned you.
The OP's daughter responded here:
YeahSure123_
I wish you all the best, too. Same story. We didn't deserve to get hurt by these people... I will look into the Reddits and the books! Stay well <3 A lot of good things come out from surviving this BS.
laughingsbetter
Sending love to you - I am sorry you had to grow up in that pit.
Stay safe and live your life to its fullest. You are amazing.